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Old 10-05-2008, 10:18 AM   #1
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Hamilton92 HB UserHamilton92 HB User
Severe depression and anxiety

I have suffered from anxiety problems for many years and in recent years depression and stress.
I have suffered anxiety attacks that started several years ago but I managed to keep them under control and know when one is coming on, especially when I'm away from home in an unfamiliar or very crowded place by myself.
Depression started maybe 1-2 years ago and I feel its only getting worse.
My family completely relies on me for everything, my husband is disabled and has mental health problems of his own, and so do my two young teenage children. They rely on me to be the wage earner and the homemaker. We have been fighting social security for 3 years now going on 4 to get my husband approved for ssi and there is no end in sight yet.
I work full time, go to college full time so that someday me and my family can have a better life, I come home and am fulltime homemaker, cook, laundry, dishes, clean house, the works. I understand that because my husband is disabled mentally and physically he can't help me like he wants to and getting my kids to help around the house is like pulling teeth so I'd rather do it myself and save from arguing.
I also have frequent nightmares. Like this morning I had a nightmare and woke up and came gave my husband a hug. He was on his computer because he also can't sleep at night and he asked me, he said you had a nightmare didn't you and I said yea how did you know, he said I just know. I don't tell him about my nightmares because I usually can't remember them and plus I wake up paranoid and embarrassed. Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all and something bad has happened or is going to happen.
On top of everything else I lost my job friday and haven't told my husband yet, it will only make us argue and be more depressed. I don't know what to do. Would meds help me? I am scared and don't know what to do. I just want to go back to living a normal life. I don't like this. Any advice from anyone is so much appreciated.

Last edited by Hamilton92; 10-05-2008 at 10:58 AM.

 
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Old 10-05-2008, 12:50 PM   #2
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SusanGene HB User
Wink Re: Severe depression and anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamilton92 View Post
I have suffered from anxiety problems for many years and in recent years depression and stress.
I have suffered anxiety attacks that started several years ago but I managed to keep them under control and know when one is coming on, especially when I'm away from home in an unfamiliar or very crowded place by myself.
Depression started maybe 1-2 years ago and I feel its only getting worse.
My family completely relies on me for everything, my husband is disabled and has mental health problems of his own, and so do my two young teenage children. They rely on me to be the wage earner and the homemaker. We have been fighting social security for 3 years now going on 4 to get my husband approved for ssi and there is no end in sight yet.
I work full time, go to college full time so that someday me and my family can have a better life, I come home and am fulltime homemaker, cook, laundry, dishes, clean house, the works. I understand that because my husband is disabled mentally and physically he can't help me like he wants to and getting my kids to help around the house is like pulling teeth so I'd rather do it myself and save from arguing.
I also have frequent nightmares. Like this morning I had a nightmare and woke up and came gave my husband a hug. He was on his computer because he also can't sleep at night and he asked me, he said you had a nightmare didn't you and I said yea how did you know, he said I just know. I don't tell him about my nightmares because I usually can't remember them and plus I wake up paranoid and embarrassed. Sometimes I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all and something bad has happened or is going to happen.
On top of everything else I lost my job friday and haven't told my husband yet, it will only make us argue and be more depressed. I don't know what to do. Would meds help me? I am scared and don't know what to do. I just want to go back to living a normal life. I don't like this. Any advice from anyone is so much appreciated.
>>>>>>

I have had the experience of pouring my heart out on the msg boards and I've been ignored so I thought I would give you at least some reply. Long posts are often treated like poison. So the people who need help the most are often not helped at all.
The first thing I would do from a therapeutic standpoint is to tell all adults in your family that you may hate your life and you've been thinking about that. I think it's good to express your true feelings and not let anyone tell you, "you poor thing." Because you ARE a poor thing and should say so.
I'd like to know the ages of your "children." My granddaughter is FOUR and vacuums. With your kids' attitudes , you can forget help or sympathy. So what you have to do is be tough and MAKE THEM do certain things that, if they DON'T do them, THEY will suffer. For instance, do NOT wash ANY of their clothing. Tell them how to do it. Step by step. If they don't do it, they wear dirty clothes. Period. Only wash Your clothes. They can wash daddy's clothes. Ignore any and all complaints. Next, make deals with them. "if you want this and such, then YOU must do this first." Do not give them a dime spending money unless certain things that YOU decide must be done are done. DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF as often as you can. Life is meant to be ENJOYED. If I were in Your shoes, being the brat I am, I would escape once a month to an UNDISCLOSED , nice hotel. And have breakfast in your room. If that is out of the financial question (you could save up for it secretly), then just do the movies. Go alone. Or take a friend you can trust. Isn't this pathetic? But you owe it to yourself, sweetie. YOU CAN DO IT.
THE "FULL TIME" thing bothers me. It sounds like you imagine that if you have no life that you'll receive sympathy. NOT. I would force the kids into making money and go to school part time instead. If they want a piece of electronic equipment, make them pay for it OR tell them, "you earn half of the price and I'll pay the other half." Get ready for Major Guilt Trips but do Not accept them. You have given these people YOUR LIFE. Enough, already.
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Susan Gene

 
Old 10-05-2008, 03:07 PM   #3
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ringtail98 HB User
Re: Severe depression and anxiety

Good lord sweetie! I sure do feel for you! You are very overwhelmed and it's no wonder! I wish I had hard and fast answers for you, but the truth is that I'm struggling mightily myself --- and with so much less on my plate. My heart truly goes out to you!!!! I wish I could give you some advice that would make it all better, but the best I can do is say that I understand and offer my friendship. I would love to tell you how to contact me directly, but I believe that is against the forum rules. I did it before and almost got kicked off.

Please know that you are not alone! Try to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. That is all that is keeping me going currently.

 
Old 10-06-2008, 12:56 PM   #4
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Miss_Chris428 HB User
Re: Severe depression and anxiety

Wow! You have been through a lot lately! I know it can seem overwhelming, but you will get through it. I'm right there with you right now. I lost my job and separated from my husband in the same week. Now my parents won't speak to me and my friends are sick of me bringing them down, so they are dropping like flies...

You mentioned losing your job last week. Call a hospital in your area and ask them for the ER mental health professional on duty. Ask them if there are any options for free care in your area. This is what I have done. I've qualified for some kind of free insurance from the state. I go to a state funded mental health facility, where I can see doctors, get my medications for free, and have access to an amazing counselor who is really helping me get through things, and the best part is that it doesn't cost me a dime. I will warn you that these places are a little depressing, in that you will see everyone from drug addicts to homeless people, and a lot of others that are in really bad shape, but at least it's an option.

The social worker at the clinic suggested that I start journaling my feelings, both good and bad, that way I can figure out what my depressive triggers are and what I can do to avoid those situations. This may be a good idea for you, as well.

My therapist suggested that I get a notebook to carry with me at all times to write my "grateful list" in and look at it often and constantly add to it, that way, when I'm feeling down, I can look at all the things that are good in my life and the things I have to be grateful for. It sounds kind of corny, but it really is helping me. I look at it at least 10 times a day and add lots of little things to it, like I'm grateful for the sunshine and the rain, and I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat... You might try that, too.

I know it doesn't help when people say, "It will get better". I'm so sick of hearing that, but deep down, I know it's true. Things certainly can't get much worse. I don't post often, but I've been coming to these boards for years and they have helped me so many times, both when I'm sad and when my docs have put me on new meds and I want to research other people's experiences with them.

So, in closing, I will not tell you that "it will get better". What I will say is, "Put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time." Look for things that make you happy, or did before you became depressed, and remember how they made you feel. Also, set some short term goals for yourself and celebrate in your successes, no matter how small they are. Picture what you want your life to look like and then start with the small things that you can control and work toward them. We are all here for you whenever you need us. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted so that we can celebrate your successes with you.

 
Old 10-12-2008, 02:33 PM   #5
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Hamilton92 HB UserHamilton92 HB User
Re: Severe depression and anxiety

I found another job and started monday of last week. I am just glad that I was able to find something so quickly.
I've known for a long time that I have been depressed. My husband suffers from depression, bipolar and ADD, I pay $75 a visit each month for him to see his psychiatrist. Since we don't have insurance for me to see him also a new patient first visit is $150 and that is a fortune for me right now. Plus the cost of medication.
Something has happened to me about a year ago that I've never been able to forget. About a year ago I had a sleep walking incident. My husband said something fell off the nightstand either I stretched and knocked it off or it fell off by itself. He said I got up and went in our kids room to wake them up for school. He said I walked back in the bedroom and went back to sleep after that. He said he tried to talk to me but I was zoned out and had a blank, glazed look. He said he asked me what I was doing and I murmurred something and went back to sleep. I can't forget that, I've never slept walked ever in my life. I wonder if it could be due to years of this stress and anxiety. I hope it never happens again, this really scared me and I can't seem to let it go. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

 
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