Re: Is it me or him
I understand how you feel. I've dealt with depression issues my enntire adult life and have been on and off at least a dozen meds over the past 12 or so years. I got married about 2 years ago to a man that I barely knew. We met five months prior to getting married. He quickly became emotionally abusive, mean, snappy, hyper-critical, etc. He took away every bit of self esteem and dignity that I once had. I used to be vibrant, strong, and courageous, but then I became this scared, worrying, shell of who I once was. About a year ago, (after my second suicide attempt) he was diagnosed as bipolar. He went on the meds and started counseling and his moods began to even out, although he said he couldn't feel anything, anymore. So, he stopped going to his counseling and quit his meds. He thought that the doctors mis-diagnosed him and blamed our insurance for the reason he quit counseling. Everything went right back to the way it was.
My point is this: You do sound depressed, but it reminds me of myself. I used to be even keeled and never had very high highs or very low lows, until I became the target of abuse. Now, I'm like you. I don't feel like cleaning the house. I just want to stay in bed all day and cry.
I suggest that you try counseling first. If money is an issue, a lot of churches offer free counseling programs, and you don't even have to be a member, or, like me, go to a state run free facility. You need an outlet for your frustration and someone to talk to. I would hold off on drug therapy until you know for sure if this is a situational thing that you can't control on your own. A therapist can teach you a lot of coping mechanisms and even ways to talk to your husband to explain how his actions are affecting you and your mental health. If you do decide to see a medical doctor, please go and see a psychiatrist. Your family doc will want to help, but can sometimes do more harm than good, since it is not their area of expertise.
Definitely keep posting here. This is a great place to learn, get things off your chest, and just escape for a while. I love these boards. I have been coming here since 2002 and they have been a big help when I'm feeling down, or when I want to research how people react to different meds that my doc wants to put me on.
Please keep us updated on your progress. We are all here to help and support you in any way that we can. When you are feeling down, just remember who you used to be, before the snappy hubby became that way, and picture that as your future and take small steps to get there again.