| | Looking for some Answers
I deleted what I originally had here, because it was simply getting to long and I didnt know how to word what I was saying. Insted, Ill ask a few questions which I think will help me get the answers im looking for.
Anhedonia... what is it actually, and not the medical definition. I understand that its a lack of pleasure, but what is it like to actually live like that? I ask because I think ive suffered this from birth, despite only being a symptom of depression and not an actual condition. I feel no interest in doing things. Very rarely do I actually want to hang out with friends (its always been like this). I get no enjoyment out of games or winning or being recognized for something I did. When I think of family or food or anything, its nothing but a memory. Nothing brings me job. I also am not sure if Ive ever truely loved, because it never feels different. I never have anticipation (just nervousness) when going out on a first date. With a steady GF, its always the same bland feeling. I have no interest in sex, but I do engage in it, I think out of instinct rather then choice.
I just hear people say they enjoy something, or have a passion for something, and Ive never had such a thing. Maybe im just lazy or a slacker, but I find it hard to believe that I could become an Eagle Scout, graduate from a college engineering program, etc as a slacker.
Ive also always had a fascination with death. Mostly my own, however not particullary suicide. More of the heroic laying my life down kinda fantasy where I die for the cause. Im not sure if this meets the requirement for depression either. Im not suicidal, although there was a time when I was really down in college and the thoughts were often there about it.
Like its really wierd. I still cry when I see something touching on TV, I can laugh at a joke or someone being stupid, but they are fleeting feelings. If I understand happyness correctly, its supposed to last longer then the joke. I guess "content" is the word im looking for. I never feel content with anything.
Yet again, I have a GF, Friends, a nice family, and a well paying job, and no one seems to notice anything wrong, so maybe what Im feeling is normal? i just really dont know, but as far back as I can remember, Ive always felt like something was wrong. I remember riding the bus, thinking to myself "if I dont feel love (or even attraction to anyone" by the time Im 18, Im going to get medical help". I never did, and I never did get help. Like I will look at a women and see a beautiful figure and stare like any other man, but it ends there. I have no fantasies about her, no longing for her. I guess I have had my fair share of crushes tho, so I dont know that means.
I apolagize for the long post, but Im out places too look for an anwer and I dont want to waste a doctors time if this is just how life is and Im not able to handle it. I just do not feel normal, and I really hope thats its me and that life isnt like the way I percieve it.