I'm not a daily poster on this forum but I had a deep need to talk about this. Past:
Generally people find me an extremely helping and loving person. They always thank me for willing to help everyone in need, even if it takes from myself. I'm always open and there for help. I'm almost NEVER upset or EVER cry. And I mean never. My friends use to tell me how such a strong person I was, how mentally, emotionally and physically strong I was and how my little sister and her little friends sort of looked up to me. Present:
Currently it feels like I'm crumbling. I'm now a senior in High school and it feels like my life is turning into nothing but an unbearable task. in the past week I've found myself caving in more and more every day.Horseback riding is my true PASSION and I mean it. I'd do ANYTHING for it and have giving up sooooo many opertunities just to ride. Last week I was in a horse show and I dissapointed myself quite a bit in my performance and I went back to the barn after it all and balled my eyes out as soon as I left everyone's sight. I hate letting people see me cry, yet I balled my eyes out on my horse's shoulder. One of the younger kids did walk in and give me a hug and leaned on my shoulder for a bit till I settled down a bit. I couldn't bring up the subject of my poor performance without choaking up.
After that, my parents told me about how they wanted to sent my dog to a farm because he's hyperactive and needs more space than I can give him, living in a medium sized house. I couldn't give him up he's like like a part to me.He's always been so loving and caring to me. I then went to my room upset and cried again and I cried even harder then I really had to but the reason I cried so hard was becuase I was upset that I was crying sooo much....
Then my horse wasn't feeling so good so I had to ride another person's horse and was told I had to show him for a bit till my horse felt better, yet again I choaked up because I wanted only to not show, I don't know the real reason but maybe I just missed my horse. Yet I loved riding and I was upset that I actually had the idea of turning down the horse offered and I became even sadder since I felt I was turning on my passion.
Then my parents started to fight a bit about my dog and saddly a bus hit my dog's back leg. I balled my eyes out, after fighting back the tears for so long, right infront of the vet. He turned out to be find but his hind leg was swolled like a balloon and he's now on meds for a fiew weeks. This led to another fight between my parents about the vet bill of 500$.
I also started to loose my drive to work. In school I start to drift off in my head and loose attention. I've dropped in the class ranks because of this. Homework became impossible for me to consentrate on. I've also lost the want to DO my homework. I wake up each day dreading school were beforeI use to love it.
There's no one in school that I don't get along with, infact I have a lot of great friends and two of them even came over and hugged me and talked when I was waiting for my dog to be done in the vet's office. Yet I've also started to feel the need to lash out at little things that annoy me. I hold back the want to be mean yet it spins that fire inside and I just have to walk away for a bit before I can settle down.
Now I've learned that I can't enter a big show with my horse tomorrow and I didn't think I was doing good enough on the new horse to even bother. So I ended up telling my teacher that I didn't want to show. I also figure'd it'd save money after that vet bill. Yet I'm sitting here's wanting to cry because my friends all are showing tomorrow because they could afford more expensive horses were, even though I'm in dead love with my horse, he becomes unridable for months due to bad allergies. I don't own my horse though, he's on a loan that I spend all week working that money off at the barn.
I know my friends are tring to help and all but their constant asking 'are you ok' seems to trigger the negative wants to lash out. I've been able to smile and tell them I'm fine yet everyday it becomes harder to do so. I REALLY REALLY DON'T want to have everyone worry about me and feel the need to baby me and support me, I guess I just don't want them to think of me as weak. I don't want everyone to pull away from their lives to fix mine. Yet college applications and all that work are also killing me!!
I don't know what to do and it's so overwelming and so unlike me!!