The Downward Spiral: This is my story - Depression Message Board

BreathNoMore · 12-04-2008, 08:03 PM

I'm new to this message board, so I figured I'd post a thread explaining why I'm here. Although I was just recently diagnosed with severe depression, I feel as though I have been suffering from depression for the majority of my life. I never met my father and spent a good chunk of my life bouncing around from house to house with my mother and whomever she was dating at the time. I had a very rough and lonely childhood to say the least. When I wasn't in school, I was alone, most of the time hiding in a closet crying while I listened to my mom get the crap beat out of her. If I lucked out, he would leave me alone. After countless trips to the hospital, my mom finally escaped the abusive relationships, but only after having her neck broken and my eye blackened..and I was only seven. She got married about a year later to a man she barely knew, who despised me, and who she is still married to today. He wasn't physically abusive, but was emotionally abusive, especially towards me. By the time I was 10 ,I can honestly say I hated myself. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I felt alone, ugly, isolated, and unloved. My little brother was born in 1997, but died shortly after birth, which only caused a bigger rift in this so called family. My grandfather came to live with us shortly after and it was such a relief to have him here. He was my best friend and the only person I felt I could confide in. He died on my fourteenth birthday. After his death, I became severly depressed. My depression combined with my lack of self esteem set the stage for many painful memories during my high school years. When I was 15, I began cutting myself. I wasn't sleeping or eating and my hair was falling out from the stress and anxiety. When I was sixteen I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with depression, but my mother doesn't believe in psychiatric medicine and refused to pay for treatment. (To this day she's still living in denial) Not too long afterwards, I began using drugs. When I met my now ex boyfriend, I thought that I had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. I quit using drugs and cutting myself and for the first time in my life I was happy. We broke up about eight months ago, but not after he cheated on me. I tried to pretend that I was okay by hiding behind a mask of self destruction. I quickly began the downward spiral towards a life of alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex. I began dating an abusive, alcoholic who only catered to my soul crushing lifestyle. I felt like I was a zombie: I couldn't function without drugs. Since then I have seen the error of my ways and have attempted to straighten myself out. However, I'm still forced to live a life filled with anger, sadness, and regret. I struggle everyday to pick up the pieces...I began taking Celexa and Trazodone for depression about 2 weeks ago. I've seen some changes but I still think it's too early too tell. I also plan on going to therapy, if I can afford it. I'm trying to start a new path but I don't really know where to begin. I'm not going to give up hope though, afterall, I am only 21. One day I hope I can find the light at the end of the tunnel...

Winterstorm · 12-06-2008, 01:31 AM

Breath
You are already on that path which you speak of and trust me the light will get brighter at the end of the tunnel if you keep pushing yourself to make positive decisions! Life isn't always easy there will always be road blocks along the path to self discovery but the one thing I can tell about you right now is that you are a very intelligent young woman with a good head on your shoulders.
We all make mistakes in this life no matter what our up bringing was like, its the things we do to improve our lives and the positive decisions that we make this second that really count in the end! Don't think about the past think about the future and the dreams you once had and focus on making them a reality. Have you ever thought about writing, you made me feel so much from what you wrote about your life, if you enjoy writing take some classes at a college. Before you get into another relationship it would be best to find yourself first and then when you meet your prince you will find exactly what you're looking for and you won't settle for less. I found that out a little late in life! I was in my thirties before I realized I needed help, your young and have your whole life ahead of you. I don't know why I'm writing this but I have a feeling you're going to do something amazing with your life and I wish you much luck with that! I know its hard but try not to think of the past, look to your amazing future!
WS

Gia029 · 10-04-2009, 05:18 PM

Thanks for sharing your story. Winter Storm couldn't have said it better. Making the right choices is what counts. You can't get back your yesterday but you can always make the next day a brighter one. It sounds like you are on the right track now for creating a great future for yourself. Beleive in yourself as your grandfather surly beleived in you. I have a grandma like that and she is in her early seventies, slowly deteriorating from a serious health condition. She has been my rock all my life and I am scared of falling apart if I have to watch her die. Although I will stand by her till the end. Anyway this isn't about me or my problems.....
Keep Smiling
Gia

jynn0629 · 10-07-2009, 08:36 AM

There should be a mental health center in your county that offers help. Therapist and medication assistance. Dont give up. Some churches have therapist too. Having someone to talk to is vital. Try to find a support group.
You have value and your painful past needs to be delt with inorder to move on. Forgiving them not for the sake of them but so you can move on is vital. It is hard, I too had an abusive father. Dont repeat the past, look for any signs that a guy has anger issues. You cant fix them.
You have value and a purpose it just takes time to find it. Sometime I think the things I went through were there so I could help someone else. But get a hold of yourself first.

Pittsburgh_Flye · 10-07-2009, 01:59 PM

If it's one emotion you should cut out it's regret. It sounds to me like since you were a child you did the best you could - the best you knew how to do - with what you had in front of you. Let the regret go and forgive yourself for the errors in your ways that you see NOW.

Despite the story you were telling, it's obvious to me, a reader, that you are working very diligently to find that light and there's the smallest glimmer in your life of it right now...keep walking toward it, keep trying, don't give up.

My therapst gave me a wonderful piece of advice that I ask you think about:

"You make decisions based on what is in front of you."

We do something at the time because we are in the moment and it's the best decision we can make with the information before us. We can't look back after the fact, after it's all played out and condemn ourselves for the way we handled something.

You are very young and aware of what you want to be and do - go for it. Take a baby step each time you can and even though those steps take longer, you'll still make it to the same place you want to go.

Good luck to you and stay positive (even if you have to lie to yourself every once and again to stay that way)!!!