Crippling Fear Dilemna - Depression Message Board

snowluver · 01-03-2009, 08:35 PM

Hi,

I've never posted anything on the internet before. Not a blog, not an **** auction, not a chat room post, not even an IM. Please forgive me if I ramble.

Background:

When I was young, my Mother and Father decided to pull all 5 of us kids out of public school and homeschool us. The education was decent, but we were ultimately left socially inept - at least to our peers. I was a naturally outgoing child and this severely depressed me as I went through my teen years without any friends.

I met my husband when I was 19. We were friends for a while then a spark happened and we developed a relationship. My parents hated it for two major reasons: 1) he was 26; and 2) he was not Catholic.

I fought them. I eventually had to move out. They abandoned me and I became emotionally distraught. Eventually I married my husband anyway.

We've now been married for 3 years and my parents have come to accept and even love him. We are all now very happy together.

The Problem:

When my parents abandoned me they left me with what I would term as a cripling fear of abandonment.

I have come a long way with trusting that my husband won't do the same thing my parents did to me.

The residual problem I am dealing with now is a fear of not being good enough for those I really care about, especially my husband. It comes over me like a great big fog in my head similar to that feeling you get when you're drunk but without the fun buzz. It prevents me from being able to say exactly how I feel on a subject for fear that it will make that person stop liking or even loving me. It prevents me from being able to deal with it when my spouse needs me. Instead I get scared that my efforts will never be enough and find every excuse not to help or comfort him.

He's going through some depression now and I really want to be there for him, but I just can't seem to get over the fear that my efforts will not be enough.

Now:

So here I am, trying to fix me so that I can be there for the one that I love the most. I'm already on Citalopram to help with mild anxiety. I'm kind of scared to go on anything stronger. I'm a little scared to do talk therapy, plus I don't really have the money to pay a $30 co pay every visit.

I thought that I would try to talk via message board. I would love some thoughts on this.

Sorry if my story was so long.

Sincerely,

snowluver

BreathNoMore · 01-06-2009, 09:35 AM

Hello and welcome to HealthBoards!

I definitely think you've made the right decision by posting on here. Having the opprotunity to express yourself and recieve positive feedback is very theraputic and beneficial. Knowing you aren't alone can really be useful in the recovery process. Your husband needs your love and support more than anything now; and that can never be 'not good enough'. Distancing yourself from him when he needs you the most will only make his pain worse.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck and all of the happiness in the world. Keep on posting..I really think it will help you a great deal.

*~Krystal

catlover82 · 01-20-2009, 11:12 PM

I have a similar experience. Although my fear is not of abandonment, I grew up with a psychologically abusive father which left me anxiety ridden with severe panic attacks. One time I had such a severe attack that I ended up in the ER, where I was given an emergency referral to a psychiatrist who told me I have a sort of "post traumatic stress disorder" type link in my brain that when I come across confrontation I revert back to a 9 year old child when I was afraid of my father and afraid of getting in trouble. As a result I was put into talk therapy with a wonderful psychologist.

I've recently gone back on medication because I was still having underlying anxiety, which my doc suspects is physiological due to a hormonal imbalance, but with the talk therapy I've been able to start to break the link between being afraid of "getting in trouble" and having an anxiety attack follow and conflict. My stressor was being deathly afraid of my father growing up (he was never violent, but he had a definite rage problem, and was and still is very volatile/psychologically abusive) and I was always afraid of getting in trouble. Your stressor is being afraid of being abandoned by your family. I really think talk therapy will help break the link you've developed in your brain and help you get over this. If the co pay is an issue, maybe you could go on a monthly basis (or as frequent as you can afford?).

Best of luck to you. It's tough, but you'll make it through!

Seraph · 01-20-2009, 11:29 PM

You are dancing to a tune that this abandonment started up in your mind. It is up to you to change the tape to one that is more functional. Only you can do this. Talking, writing, therapy are all tools for you to use in this process, and you must avail yourself of some of them at least. I have a strong belief that language affects our reactions to life as well as reflecting them. For example, you say at one point..."it prevents me from..."; change this to "I stop myself from..." It is just as accurate, yet it points the way to the possibility that YOU can change this. Change "can't" to "won't", you can feel a shifting of power from helplessness to unwillingness (I do not mean that you do not want to progress, just that you are holding yourself back). Have you talked to your parents aobut their abandoning of you. This may reframe the whole story and give you means to get past it. Please keep writing, whether her or in a journal. Let your husband tell you whether your efforts a enough or not. Confide your fear to him and tell him to ask for things from you that he needs, not to leave you guessing. Sera.