Am i a robot in denile or is there a real problem? - Depression Message Board

ashlinim · 01-19-2009, 09:27 PM

i really don't know whats going on with me anymore.
alot of people say that i have no reason to be depressed, but i say there are alot of reason. i mean i can't be happy, this has been going on for a very long time, and i am anti-social especially at school,
all of my teachers think i have no friends, i have a few close friends
and a best friend, i just don't have anything to say and i really just don't like people in general. i just went to the doctor about a week ago and she put me on prozac, so far for 2 days it made me extremely happy and peppy just like i used to be and that was a great feeling, now one minute i am happy peppy
another minute i want to chew someones face off and the next minute i am shaking and crying and i feel like i am about to pass out, i don't know whats going on..are they side effects that will pass or are they just there because
thats "natural"? i am a straight "F" student, my teachers are evil i dont like people i am stressed out constantly with everything! i really feel like i was to be took completley out of school for a homebound education then i beleive i would do alot better in school, i have big plans for my future, i want to be a tramua
surgeon and i can't do that because i have all "F"'s!! and that absolutely breaks my heart...i want to go to a great college and succeed in life but i know that i won't be able to do that...i will be stuck in kentucky living with my parents working a job that pays minimun wage for the rest of my life because i did absloutely terrible in school..its not that i don't try..i really
honestly do...i just feel sick...i have lost soooo msuch weight in the last 2 months..i can't eat no matter what..i can't sleep all i want to do is cry..
or for weeks at a time i will be like a robot...absolutely emotionless. i won't come out of my room, i don't assoicate with people. then ( i hate to go all
"teenager" on you but then there is my boyfriend..he doesn't help,
he keeps breaking up with me, i can't trust him, he has hurt me emotionally so many times i can't really trust anyone.this has been going on for about 3 or 4 months so therefore i always worry, then i have to help my friends with
their problems...and put on that same fake smile and laugh that fake laugh
just to make people happy so i don't have to hear " oh it will get better" or "everything is going to be ok"...whenever i know its not...its not normal
to cry yourself to sleep at night because you don't want tommorow to come,
i am tired of wishing my life away and waking up every morning miserable,
i am tired of pressure i am sick if people, i want to be left alone,
i want to be at home all day knowing that i don't have to spend every day of my life in a buliding with a bunch of people that i hate...i want to know
that i am going to succeed in life, that i am smart...and not worry about
my boyfriend breaking up with me or how my grades are terrible or worrying that i am not smart enough. i don't want to be an emotionless robot or a sad
sleep deprivated non-eating person. i want to be a confident happy person.
i don't want to have to put on a fake smile anymore..i don't want
everytime i laugh to be a fake laugh.

Aarch · 12-23-2011, 10:57 PM

You are a hybrid. Embrace it human.