What happened to life?
what happened to life?
No more dreams, they are all gone, nothing is worth it anymore and I don't know how to fix it.
Many years ago, somewhere in the early 90's I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Prescribed Paxil and it seemed to work well, at least I thought so. My husband thought I didn't
really need it but I say he just didn't understand. As time went on I expressed how unhappy I
was and asked him to leave. I feel like that was truly a big mistake in my life, I really still loved
him but just wasn't happy in life. But life went on and we stayed friends. I moved to another state
and he moved closer so we could still visit on occasion. I had purchased my retirement home and
took on the duties of trying to help raise my two grandsons with my son who worked nights in the
resort industry and I worked days in the school district. That all worked well until 911 occurred. The
resort industry took a hit and so did the budget. Two years later I'm unable to hang on to my retirement
home, and even my car. I've lost it all, my son getting into drugs and choosing a different lifestyle, I
desperately attempt to carry on and again tell myself, life goes on. I get an apt, a used car, a second
job to help make ends meet and I'm still on Paxil at this point. I feel I'm doing well and could not survive
without my paxil. A year later my doctor tells me my hepC is causing some real problems with my liver
and recommends I do a round of treatment. All of this works out well and fast forward to 2004 now and
I finally feel well enough to wean off the paxil, the hepC is gone and life looks good. I took a 3 month
recuperation trip over the summer and was all ready to get back to work and a normal life when school
started. I make plans to buy an rv, get parked in a senior community and start having dreams of retirement.
By this time its 2006, I'm loving living in my rv and in 2007 even buy myself a new car, life is good, the budget works and I have it all planned out financially, everything will be paid for the year before I retire.
Now, tell me what happened? Here it is 2009, the economy takes a dump, I have no retirement, no
dreams and life really sucks. I need a second job to help make ends meet and I'm recognizing the signs
of falling back into depression. I've struggled for months with this fact of life. I think I need to get back on
my paxil. I hate weekends and can hardly wait till Monday to get back to work. Isn't that a weird thought?
Most of the world can hardly wait til Friday so they can enjoy their weekend. I tried to get into gardening,
which I used to love to do, but everything died cause I couldn't get out there and tend to it. The house is
getting really dirty and I do good just getting the dishes done on occassion. I'm thinking of rehoming the
dog cause I just want to sleep all weekend but the dog is the only thing that loves me so I think that would
be a bad decision, I really need my dog but retirement is totally out of the picture. I'll be working til I'm 80!