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Old 05-17-2009, 07:35 PM   #1
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Azalea3 HB User
Unhappy Looking for a bit of support

Hi!

I'm a 23 year old female graduate student just looking for someone to chat with as I find it hard to talk to people in my life about these issues. I found out recently that I'm depressed whilst trying to seek help for anxiety (who knew it wasn't normal to be sad all the time?!). Since then, I've started taking Celexa, and so far I'm feeling ok. The only thing I notice are that I remember my dreams very vividly, and that my motivation has decreased somewhat...but overall I feel like it helps me be able to self-talk myself out of being sad.

Anyway, I've had a on-again, off-again relationship recently that has really done a number on my self-esteem. This guy has somehow roped me into liking him, but more often that not treats me like I'm not worth his time. I had held back from speaking to him for a while, but recently with some frightening health issues that have arisen, I've been feeling low and began talking to him again. Today, he and I had plans to hang out, but when it came time, he didn't call and hasn't been picking up his phone all day. This is not unusual behaviour for him, but every time it happens my heart gets broken...again and again and again. It's quite obvious that he doesn't like me (at least not when it's inconvenient for him), so I know that I need to move on. But I'm just having a hard time being alone. I think I'm drawn to him because of the positive things he tells me that I just really need to hear at a time like this...girl friends just don't dole out the compliments the same way boyfriends do.

I'm writing this partly as a kind of therapy to be able to share these feelings with others, but also to try and make myself see how silly it is that I still like this man. *sigh*

Hope you're all having a nice long weekend!

Ellen

 
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Old 05-18-2009, 03:10 AM   #2
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blue dream HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

Hi Azalea! I was reading your text and thought i had to reply since i've been through something like that in the past (in what concerns that relationship with that boy). It is hard indeed to get away when you know that if he's there for you he'll make you feel better. It's like you forget all the times he made you feel bad and sad and like crying because you know he'll make you feel better, unfortunetly, only when he feels like to. That's not healthy at all and i know how i hard it can get. I remember that in the past the only thing that helped was really getting away from him. No more talk, no more meeting here and there. It was tough yes and the fact that i went on holidays to another part of the country helped a lot. That was the only thing that helped me, getting away. Maybe you should try to do the same. I hope you feel better soon, i hope we all feel better soon *

 
Old 05-18-2009, 07:10 AM   #3
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fossilapostle HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

This guys seems to like you, but is obviously not interested in a serious relationship. You either need to accept that and decide whether that's enough for you right now, or decide that it's not enough and cut it off.

 
Old 05-21-2009, 08:33 PM   #4
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someboddy HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azalea3 View Post
Hi!

I'm a 23 year old female graduate student just looking for someone to chat with as I find it hard to talk to people in my life about these issues. I found out recently that I'm depressed whilst trying to seek help for anxiety (who knew it wasn't normal to be sad all the time?!). Since then, I've started taking Celexa, and so far I'm feeling ok. The only thing I notice are that I remember my dreams very vividly, and that my motivation has decreased somewhat...but overall I feel like it helps me be able to self-talk myself out of being sad.

Anyway, I've had a on-again, off-again relationship recently that has really done a number on my self-esteem. This guy has somehow roped me into liking him, but more often that not treats me like I'm not worth his time. I had held back from speaking to him for a while, but recently with some frightening health issues that have arisen, I've been feeling low and began talking to him again. Today, he and I had plans to hang out, but when it came time, he didn't call and hasn't been picking up his phone all day. This is not unusual behaviour for him, but every time it happens my heart gets broken...again and again and again. It's quite obvious that he doesn't like me (at least not when it's inconvenient for him), so I know that I need to move on. But I'm just having a hard time being alone. I think I'm drawn to him because of the positive things he tells me that I just really need to hear at a time like this...girl friends just don't dole out the compliments the same way boyfriends do.

I'm writing this partly as a kind of therapy to be able to share these feelings with others, but also to try and make myself see how silly it is that I still like this man. *sigh*

Hope you're all having a nice long weekend!

Ellen
Hi Ellen,

Firstly great comment about not knowing sad was not normal. I had that same problem for many years. I thought how I felt must have been normal so it just went on and on. Eventually crashed of course. But I know exactly what you are saying. How can we know it's not normal?

Re Celexa, unclear how long you've been on it but the vivid dreams thing is quite common with many meds. As long as they aren't always the same thing or scary it's normal for meds, some of at least. Valium is another one that does that, do you take valium as that may be the dream causer.

I see anxiety as being the start of a depression, the thing that kicks it off and makes it grow and keeps it going. I say treat the anxiety as first priority and then the depression if you are making a choice. Many meds do both, deal with anxiety and depresiion syptoms at the same time as both need attention to have success. But anxiety I feel is definitely the first part or beginning of it all.

Re this guy. You mention some health problems. Yours or his?

You say that face to face he helps you a lot. You also say he roped you imto liking him and it's obvious he doesn't like you.

A lot of contradiction in those statements and maybe you can think that through and work out what it is you are feeling.

He often seems to disappear or not answer his phone etc.

Several reasons for that. Could be asleep and turned it off. Could have problems of his own he hasn't told you yet. Depression for example would cause him to hide and nnot want to talk, to anyone. Could be he has a job you don't know about, or, nasty thought, a drug problem. Who knows? The point with these things is I'm totally guessing and it sounds like you are too.

When we guess we assume the worst and the best. We don't know so we make it up and usually we conclude we are the problem. Ergo you decide he doesn't like you. So why does he talk to you and so on? Ask him, don't guess else you'll come up with what I have.

You should know how reluctant you are to contact people if you are worried about how they'll react. He could be going through exactly that. When we are depressed we also have a tendency to overstate contact with others. We cannot judge what they intend and assume it is interest in us. Which it may very well be. So ask and find out. Find a way to ask that he can answer without offending you by saying NO. Like you could ask "Do you like talking to me?" as a first step. Then extend it to phone contact by saying "I can never seem to get you on the phone."

Just some thoughts.

 
Old 05-24-2009, 02:50 PM   #5
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lostmymind2 HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

hey there....i can relate....i have been there and probably always will...i have been depressed since i was a child only i never knew it... if ever you need one on one comunication please feel free to email me http:// * email address removed by hb-mod, moderator *

I also need a sounding board at times and we can all use a friend who really understands right?

all my best and please feel free maybe we can IM some time.

Last edited by hb-mod; 05-24-2009 at 03:22 PM. Reason: Please don't post contact info, such as email address, per Posting Policy.

 
Old 06-01-2009, 10:13 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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MatthewW HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

I'm male and used to behave towards my girlfriends in a similar way to the guy you mention. Eventually, one girl friend made it crystal clear that although she liked me, she would not accept my behaviour. I honestly think that caused me to grow up finally (I was 25) and we've now been together for 27 years, married for 23. However - I do agree with an observation by "someboddy" (earlier post). Because I'm an introverted depressive, sometimes I just cannot communicate with even my wife - so please give your guy a bit of benefit of the doubt, it's very hard to explain when that happens to me (perhaps you know that full well) and doesn't mean I don't love her.

Best wishes for your happiness.

 
Old 06-03-2009, 09:03 AM   #7
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uro1234 HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

there are a million guys out there who would treat you like you deserve to be treated, like you matter.
it seems to be a pattern with younger girls mainly, they love guys that play games with them. who knows why, but thats usually how it works out..
dont let anyone run your life.. its YOUR life... if hes half the stud he thinks he is.. he wouldnt come back to you each time. it sounds like you are his "safety girl" , being a guy i know how it is, and know LOTS of guys do this same thing, they have one girl they know they can ALWAYS go to, that will be there for him when he needs them, and it wont be a challenge, turn the tables on him and stop picking up his calls and see how fast his attitude and demeanor changes, or better yet, go hangout with another guy who treats you good, and watch him squirm and kick himself in the ***. one thing i found is that life is too short to let someone play with your emotions, take control, no one deserves to be played

 
Old 06-03-2009, 09:12 AM   #8
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Angel127 HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

I know it's a clique but there are other fish in the sea.. Maybe it's time you went swimming?

 
Old 06-07-2009, 04:49 PM   #9
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Arggg HB UserArggg HB UserArggg HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

Azalea, I'm going to be blunt. This guy sounds like a JERK!!

OK, I'm sure he's a charming, handsome, sexy jerk. Hormones can make our brains go to mush.

I'm just glad you don't live with him. If I were you I'd just cut him off, and tell him the following:

"I need a guy who:

1. is proud to be seen with me in public
2. wants to be with me alone, no other girlfriends
3. answers my calls within reason
4. NEVER stands me up
5. acts nice to me
6. thinks I'm pretty and says so"

If he thinks you're asking too much, tell him maybe so, but you're going to look for a guy like that. And keep looking! Believe it or not, there are men out there with good manners.

 
Old 06-08-2009, 08:09 AM   #10
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Azalea3 HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Reading through these makes me feel a lot less alone.

I'm happy to say that I've been feeling a lot better about everything lately now that I have completely cut my ex-boyfriend out of my life. Even though that still hurts me and I do miss him terribly, I know the pain will eventually numb and better things always come along. I absolutely loved that list of requirements by "Arggg" - that's a great way to look at things, and also something for me to keep in mind in how I treat others. I'm happy to say I'm out fishing again for someone new, and have a few prospects It's funny how things happen when you're least expecting it, and when you start to think of yourself with more respect.

Even though I've been experiencing illness and the loss of this relationship, you guys have really helped boost my mood and confidence. Just knowing that other people care (even if they may be strangers), and may be experiencing similar situations is incredibly therapeutic. Thank you again for posting your perspectives, and I hope you all have access to the support you need.

Cheers!

 
Old 06-08-2009, 08:16 AM   #11
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staceyvz HB User
hi i know exactly how you are feeling.

i have woken up for the last 2y now feeling depressed i wake up hating my life i wake up crying each morning jst thinking of the day ahead. and it only gets worse. i hope everything goes well for you and that this will go away.

 
Old 06-11-2009, 08:17 AM   #12
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Azalea3 HB User
Re: Looking for a bit of support

Staceyvz,

It's definitely not a fun way to go through life, huh? I know that feeling all too well. But since I've started taking Cipralex and seeing a counsellor, things are looking up (I sound like an advertisement, I know). It's funny, I look at my life and see that nothing externally has changed, but there is a little sunshine in my heart now (not a whole lot, but I'll keep working at it) and it changes my perspective on things. I don't think I could have done it without seeing a counsellor, which I was able to do for free through my university. Do you have access to a counsellor, if you're not already seeing one? And have you thought about anti-depressants? I was so against both ideas until I finally realized that I couldn't remember the last time things got better, and that it felt like things were only ever getting worse for me. I'd highly recommend you talk to someone who knows how to and wants to help. We can all benefit from a little borrowed hope, and good counsellors love to lend hope.

All the best to you, I hope this message can instill a couple rays of light in your heart and make today look a little brighter at least. We all deserve to be happy, and you are no exception.

Cheers!

 
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