mochi*

Hello all,
I have had problems with depression, OCD (my primary diagnosis) and anxiety most of my life, since the age of 15. But more or less it was managable, with the exception of some seriously difficult "episodes," which rarely lasted more than a few months.
Anyways, after REALLY painful a break up with a long-term partner about 6 years ago, I underwent some seriously intense feelings of anxiety, ended up getting so physically ill that I had to be admitted to the ER, acutely, I was a wreck and had no idea why my emotional and physical reactions were so intense and so seemingly beyond my control; the anxiety morphed in and out of depressive stages, but manifested mostly as insomnia and anxiety about sleeping (weird I know)
I also developed a phobia of travelling and of sleeping away from home (because I was afraid of insomnia, as I believed insomnia would be my ruin)
anyways, I won't go into all that. Somehow I managed to get though school and my day to day life using alcohol to quell the anziety and intense sense of dread that the break uo left me with (not good, I know.)
After 8 months or so I met another man and we dated, very cautiosuly at first because I was still very messed up over the first break up and had lots of anxiety provlems. My confidence was still more or less in tact, hpwever, by some miricle. and this allowed me to date and even get very close with this man.
We fell in love, and were togethet for two years, during which i still struggled with anxiety and insomnia, but not to the degree i did before.
He broke up with me, rather abruptly, just after we had planned on moving away together and building our lives together. It was a complete shock and I againn was riddled with INTENSE, inexplicable anxiety and dread...this lasted for a few months, many maybe, and eventrually I fell into a DEEP DEEP depression, one which i let fester for about a year before i sought help.
I have been in therapy for about a year now, and it has helped me understand why I am totally destroyed by these break -ups, by the loss of someone i am very attached to....i still have very intense feelings of loss, intense sadness/dread/anxiety that comes and goes, usually at keast one or two weeks out of the month i am battling these feelings to the point that i can barely fucntion, let alone plan the for the future.
Am i making any snese here, sorry...
I am not feeling so great today and my thoughts feel flurried.
Anyways,
What I am trying to say is that I am worried, worried because I am only 29 years old, but I feel somehow doomed.
Prior to this last break-up and seriously long depression that has followed, I was the type of person who was goal-oriented, confident and always working tpwards something new.....
After the break up though, I sunk into some kind of black hole, trying desperately to grab on to something: a branch, a root, anything to keep me from plummeting backwards into the abyss (how to explain it, I don't know?: It felt/feels like an inexplicable, terrifying dread, a terrifying nothingness maybe. Hard to describe.
Anyways, this period began about 2 nd half years ago...and I should note that things with this ex were on and off for a LOOOONG time afrer we intially broke up, so it only really ended about 8 months ago, or mayve even more recently. Obviosuly this did not helkp me to move on with my life, adn the repeated abandonment by him made it cumulatively much worse.
So, during all this time I made some poor life-choices, mostly career-wise, adn other...but I quit my "respectabe" job abruptly and took a job hostessing at some stuoid restuarant, which was my get-rich quick scheme (i thought i would become a waitress and save a bunch and then move abroad) but needless to say, that didn't pan out and i wasted 8 months at that crap job, and ended up getting an injury as well, or at least exasperating a leg condition I already had. Oh, I should mention that MUCH of why I stayed in that job for so long was that the schedule allowed me to go to therapy twice a week (i was trying desperatly to get better) Anyways, because of my leg, among other things I left that job about 3 months ago and am now living at home with my folks for the first tiem sionce who-Knows-when and attempting to put my mess of a life back togetehr.
I am terrified though that now, because I have neglected so much over the past almost 3 years that no one will employ me, no grad school will want me, and no love is in my future.
Am I done for?
I know I made some poor choices, and now because I left my good job for one without insurance my medical bills are piling up dealing with this leg issue (I may need surgery) and I feel like I have tried DESPEARELY to understand myself and to heal from all this, really, I devoted the poast year to it, but now that it is time to take action, make changes, LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, I feel inept. I mean, fianlly I am feeling more empowered emotionally to go after what i want, and now my leg is a mess, adn I can;t afford to move out of my parents house because and it;s impossible to get a job....ahhh!! I can;t take it anymore!!!! is this how life is going to be>
I neglected so much when I was depressed, and I feel like I am waking up to the total mess that I made my life, and I just need something to look FORWARD TO!!! But is that it? Is this what my life is going to be?> Will i never get a good job, into a good school, get married>>>I mean, how do you explain to a school or a potential employer that there's a huge gap on your resume because you were horribly depressed and could barely function for two and ahlaf years???? You can't!
How do i move on if i have to constantly pay for what i neglected because i was in so much pain i could not deal with life????? i guess what i am saying is that how do you recover, take your life back if you are always catching up to everything you've missed...bills, work expereince, everything@@! I'm 29 and I feel like my life is over, or that I have no second chance.