Just a bit of info on me - i'm 20 years old, female and have had severe depression now for 5 years. I left school when i was 15 due to being bullied - which has left me practically as a recluse. I have no friends, boyfriend and no job. I am attempting to return to college this year (i've tried twice before to go but froze and refused to leave the car) I've been trying to repair myself but am totally unable to go anywhere without my mum - i panic when i'm on my own.
I'm on prozac which helps somewhat but not as much as i would like it to. During school i got called a lot of terrible names (aswell as being pushed around and punched daily) about my appearance which mentally scarred me to this day. If you had told me when i 12yrs old that i would be this way - i would of thought 'absolutely no way'.
I used to be extremeley bubbly, confident and most of all - never cared what people thought about me!
I wear a lot of makeup (and i mean full makeup) on the rare occasions i do go out, i am obsessed with my appearance. I always want to look "perfect" (if that even exists!) - and feel that i'm not remotely attractive without it, even though people compliment me and have had a lot of men show interest in me - but i put that down to my make-up and absolutely PANIC at the thought of never having it, as i feel nobody would even touch me without it. And that has ruined any potential chance of having boyfriends. I constantly feel i am not good enough, and a lot of the guys ive been with compare me to other girls. I also feel that they would leave me if a more attractive female came long, which ultimately drives them away - its ruining my life and most of all, messing with me mentally.
People often make nasty comments now about how much cosmetics i wear, which i can't help
- but this whole situation is messing with my head. It's ruling my life, i have this unattainable image in my head that i want to look like. I feel that because i don't look like the models/actresses thatr men obsess over, that i'm ugly and disgusting. I get so upset by it that i hurt myself, because i hate myself so much - so much that i just want to die.
I'm sorry for going on like i have! But i'm at a loss of what and where to go. I always had ambitions of going to college, then uni.... or even just being like a normal 20yr old.
My obsession with my appearance is killing me mentally and disabling me in making the steps to go forward in my life. My parents are sick to death of me and think i'm lazy. The truth is i have become so unmotivated i feel like there is no point. I just feel like crying all the time because i hate how my life has turned out and i want to change it now, i dont want to be 30 years old and in the same boat. I also want to be less obsessed with my appearance. My family view me as a nobody, and when i do speak to other girls, i have nothing to talk about as i'm doing nothing with my life - no wonder i have no friends.
I really need some help, i want to be how i used to be before i became this way.
If anyone could help me, it would be greatly appreciated!