Severely depressed, I am at the end of my rope! New here..
Hi! I am new to the board and just do not know what to do anymore... Sorry for the long post, if anyone wants to take time to read this...
I will give you a bit of background on me.. I was the oldest of 3 kids and grew up with an alcoholic father (and a mother who was severely depressed). As the oldest child I feel I got the brunt of my father's daily anger. I was married in my 20s and always had depression issues and self-worth issues. My mother passed away in 1999 and I was severly affected by her death as we were really close and I feel she always tried to protect me from my father. I oftentimes said that I wished it had been my dad instead. My husband did not know how to help me and it caused problems in my marriage. He "left me" and we divorced in 2004.
Shortly after I started dating another man who was also divorced with 2 children. I moved in with him in December 2005. I finally sought help for my depression and went to counseling for a year in July 2006 - Aug 2007, once a week. This particular counselor was great to talk to and I feel we connnected. However, I feel that he did not "help" me. I did not feel cured I guess. He also did not believe in meds, so I did not take any during that time. During my counseling sessions though, I began to forgive my father and did work through some of those issues which was good.
My father then passed away in November 2008 and following his death, I was highly depressed again. I did not sleep or eat for a month. My relationship with boyfriend has always been somewhat challenging with kids, ex-wife and just daily stresses.. In the last year and a half I have been even harder to deal with (I can admit I have been very irratable and crabby) and I complain about everything. I have had problems at my job where I have been employed for 10 years, with my siblings as we had to settle the parents estate and sell their house, had hurt a few friends/relatives and have had problems home. I think I take most of my anger and agression out on my BF at home however. For the last year when I argue with by BF he asks me to leave and then a few weeks later all is "okay" again and I have gone nowhere. I think he feels so bad and can't fix me, so he does not know what else to do.
In February I went to the doctor and he put me on Zoloft. For the first few months all seemed "well" and I thought it was doing the trick and helping me. I felt more energetic, was happy, wanted to get out of bed etc.. The last 2 months I feel like I am back where I started. I have been highly depressed (suicidal at times), irratable, crying and sad. My BF asked me to move out 2 weeks ago and said he can not do it anymore. He loves me but he can not deal with me. Because of our history and the fact he has said this before, I do not believe him and do not want to. I feel like I am in no position to move out and to add more stress to my life. I also can not deal with the fact that my anger and complaining have brought me where I am today...
I did go to the doctor again and explained my situation and they switched my meds to Celexa. She suggested that maybe I should committ myself but didn't also said that I don't sound that suicidal to her, because I did not have a suicide plan.. To make a long story short, I feel like she was in a hurry and just wanted to get me out of there. She suggested I start counseling again and to call the number on the back of my insurance card.. I just feel frustrated as I feel have been "trying" and I want to help myself. I know it is an uphill battle and not easy, but I would like to take that "correct" next step. I really love my BF and I am sorry I have hurt him and I dont want to leave.. I just wish he were more supportive and still believed in me.. I just want to feel alive and happy again. The way I once was and know I can be. I just dont know how to get there. ??