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Old 09-28-2009, 09:06 PM   #1
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to be happy HB User
Unhappy Depression: "And how does that make you feel?"

I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am just constantly unchangeably unhappy. I have been this way since I was fourteen. Before that, I was a happy-go-lucky teenager. For the last six years, I have terrible bouts with depression, anger, social withdrawal, non existent self-worth, and anxiety. I have tried everything. Therapy, life changes, removing unhealthy relationships, St. John's Wort (my doctor didn't want me on prescriptions), and I even relied on God. I can find band-aids for the internal unrest, but never a cure. My therapists have all agreed that I do not have a chemical or hormonal problem. My blood work revealed a vitamin D deficiency, but that's it. They have all agreed that I have a fear of rejection and failure. I am not even sure how to approach that. How are you supposed to fix that?

I love to write and, sometimes, I am can write well. I have journals upon journals trying to pinpoint what is bothering me. I have no lucidity about the cause. My childhood wasn't great. In fact, it was horrible, but I like to think that I have moved on past that. Not only can I not communicate with myself, but I cannot seem to form any connection with people because I am so consumed with this depression or whatever it is. I wish someone just had an answer. I wish that I could just be happy or peaceful or just me. I haven't felt like myself in ages. Has anyone went through this? Any sound advice?
Words of encouragement? Medical answers?

 
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Old 09-28-2009, 11:07 PM   #2
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Matt321 HB User
Re: Depression: "And how does that make you feel?"

3 years

awesome losing everything, including looks . i have major depression disorder, donno
just posting, wish you well

Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 09-29-2009 at 09:35 AM. Reason: removed quote

 
Old 09-29-2009, 07:25 AM   #3
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Titte HB User
Re: Depression: "And how does that make you feel?"

I can totaly relate to how you are feeling, I have tried to communicate my feelings, to my ex, my mother, my friends, anybody!!, but it feels as though no one really understand. They tell you things, like pull you self together, get a hobby. I really would like to pull myself together, but I feel as though I was in this huge accident, and that I am unconscious trying to communicate to the people around me, but nobody seems to realise that I am there and that i want to be helped. By the way I am from south africa and live in a town called Plettenberg Bay. I am a lecturer at the local college, before that I used to work for Absa bank, which is a part of barclays bank in london. Please contact me again, I really need to chat with someone who can understand this deamon we struggling with. I must really go now, but i will logg in again soon!! Love from Africa

 
Old 09-29-2009, 08:49 AM   #4
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captnanny HB User
Re: Depression: "And how does that make you feel?"

I also can relate to how you feel. Well I can understand and have similar feelings. I also can't seem to get people to understand how I feel. I have been told that I don't have a chemical imbalance and that most of my depression and PTSD is due to my environment. I guess this means that I "talk about all those feelings" with my therapist. How does that make you feel? and What comes to mind about that? I don't like those phrases because I'm the type of person who needs direction and to be told what to do. I've lost my friends, can't hang on to a job and my mom is constantly telling me to get up and do this and that and I will feel better. I can't stand that, tried it her way before and it got worse.
Well just thought I'd let you know I understand what you posted and am here on and off depending on my energy to post.

 
Old 09-29-2009, 11:56 AM   #5
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hopeforpeace70 HB User
Re: Depression: "And how does that make you feel?"

Have you ever considered taking medication? Many folks frown on it, but we are so fortunate these days to have medications to help us. Maybe you should try another therapist. I’m not a doctor, but to me it sounds like you may have a chemical imbalance and may be clinically depressed. I suffer from severe OCD, anxiety that also translates into depression. Medications have been a Godsend. They do not cure the problem, but they definitely provide a helpful tool to deal with psychological ailments. I never understood why some doctors steer away from anti-depressants. For some who are simply going through a stressful time that is considered to be a “regular” obstacle of life, I agree that anti-depressants may not be the answer and that therapy should be the primary treatment. However, for those of us suffering from a psychological illness it is a chemical imbalance and our brains are lacking certain chemicals. Just like a diabetic needs insulin, we need those chemical to help our brain. If I were you I would seek out another doctor that is more flexible. Not saying that your current doctor is wrong, because I agree that there are some that are prescription happy and just want to find a quick fix. Your situation is different I think.

Also, I think it is great that you enjoy writing. This is a God given talent. You are still young and you should consider using your writing abilities to your advantage. I am 39 and have had OCD symptoms that started write after my parents divorce when I was 9. Be glad that you have sought out help for your depression at such a young age. I wish I had nipped it in the but when I was younger. But I’m trying to now. However, I have been taking meds for a number of years, but the last few years I have been seeing a therapist in conjunction with the meds. This is what I should have been doing all along. Okay, I am babbling and have to go, but hang in there. You're young and have a lot going for you. Do not be afraid of anti-depressants they have helped millions and millions of people. And remember there are many of us in the same boat you are. Oh, and regarding your childhood – I have supportive, loving parents but after my parents divorce and my mother remarried my step father he drank A LOT. Although, he is a wonderful person (when he wasn't drinking) it was hard when I was young being around an alcoholic. It was very dysfunctional at home. I love both my mom and dad and my step father, but it was tough growing up and I think a lot of my OCD stems from this. He no longer drinks and he himself is on anti-depressants. My therapist tells me that all families are dysfunctional in one way or another. There is no perfect person or perfect family. Perhaps your rough childhood has made you stronger than you really think you are. Hang in there…..

 
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anxiety, communication difficulties, depression, self esteem, vitamin d



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