I desperately wanat to talk to someone, people who have some idea of what goes on in my head, all the time, every day, because I fear that it will get the better of me otherwise and I don't want it to as I'm a mum. I don't know how to start so I'll just start with the only thing I ever did right; I have a beautiful 7 year old son, he is the most wonderful child - kind, loving, thoughtful, clever, oh so gorgeous looking - huge brown eyes, black long eyelashes and fair curls. He helps me when I ask, he says hi to strangers on the street when we're just walking along - he must make their day - he is wonderful; any parent would think that they were blessed to have him as a child. So why am I putting this post in the depression area? He's the reason I can't "check out". I can't leave him - I think he'd be better off with someone else but the point is I can't let him think that his mum didn't think enough of him to stick around. So I'm trapped in this whatever it is.
I had a breakdown when he was 11 months old - it was coming a long time before that but I was silly and stubborn. When it finally came I saw pixies dancing in my kitchen, the crying was way out of control and I was sedated - it was lovely. I went through a range of anti-depressants but after the initial feeling of improvement I didn't feel like any worked. When he was 3, my partner and I separated after having been together 12 years. We were never suited, my fault for going along with it entirely, I just wanted the security of what I thought was right - get married and have kids. I had a adodgy upbringing - I thought it was quite idyllic for a time bbut as we got older my dad became violent and my mum started having affairs. They were very respectable - teachers, and so it was difficult to convey as we didn't really fit into that category and it was hard for people to come to grips with so they didn't. People just seemed to pretend it wasan't happening. When I was 14 my dad gave me the worst beating, he beat me up like I was a big bloke then wasahed my face and sent me off to school - because he read my diary and found that my mum had taken me to see her most recent
So I hated both of them. She wasn't even bothered enough to be there, she'd moved out.
got on the bus anad got an almighty bollocking off my sister for telling my friend what dad had done. It all went downhill from there. I went out drinking every weekend, I had a one night stand when I was 16 and was an embarrassment. I hate to think of myself then, I made such a fool of myself. I know I just wanted someone to hold me and love me but people experience much worse things than I did and don't end up slapper.
Anyway, hence I met my husband at 21, he much older and that wass that. Then I had the breakdown. As a aresult I was directed to go to counselling which uncovered my father having done worse than beat me -we couldn't deduce and exact age but the buried memories came from around the age of 6/7. More to deal with. Sister disowned me because "how could she say that abaout our lovely daddy". He also beat her - about the head with an encyclopedia, took a door off its hinges one time in his rage to get to her. Terrifying man.
So, left husband, and I had a lovely year on our own then I met lovely man - bit fond of the drink though, problems of his own there but unacknowledged. Very mild mannered but with baggage - an ex who was convicted of assault on me two years ago and a 6 yr old who's mum has eventually successfully persuaded her to tell anyone who'll listen that she doesn't like me and is scared of me. Strangely, when she's with me she tells me she loves me and cuddles me...The ex continues to make my life hell wherever possible. The assault wasn't a straightforward whack, she smashed a window to get into our house at 7 am and ran screaming up the stairs to "get me". Black eye is all but scary experience and much much worse - She spent a good couple of minutes trying to kick the front door in first - hideous sound. Police got there as she fled but she was arrested that day. I suppose I should add that they were well separated before I came on the scene. More anger stems from the fact that she is a kick boxing instructor and she was NOT struck off upon conviction. ?? . Ex so unstable that flouts the court order all the time, this week she came and snatched daughter from in side the front door - in a short nightie, 7.30pm - FREEZING! I'm saying this so it gives a taste of what we're up aginst I suppose. Some such incident will occur every couple of weeks. Course I worry about the damage it is causing daughter but that is in hand elsewhere. I have to do the right thing now and look at what I can do for my child - that's why I've decided to do this.
Several external issues I guess I don't know how much longer I can put up with her in my life. I don't really know what to do about the childhood thing - a good friend asked if I would consider counselling again but it struck such fear into me after the revelations of the last lot , I don't want to know. But I do know that I'm so angry most of the time, not when I have a drink but then that lasts a few hours and leaves me even more down and paranoid the next day. I try to believe that I'm doing the best I can and he really is a wonderful human being, oh I know I'm biased but others say what a pleasure he is. But, I do shout and I don't want to - I scare him and I really don't want to - it nearly breaks my heart, it's not often but I hate it. I was terrified of my father, he struck as well and I never have/never will, but I (literally) used to wet myself just when he shouted.
I think I'm rambling. I have sat and cried and cried this morning, I felt scared and horrifically panicky and didn't know what to do with myself. It wasa very close to prelude to the breakdown. Felt something happening and tried to do the right thing and take the dog out but had to come home obviously. As soon as I vaguely pulled myself together I looked for something like this.
My biggest hang ups are feeling like a fraud and a bit evil (sounds weird ). All the time...about everything. Feel like I'm lying about past events yet I know that it's all fact. I also feel like I'm whinging as many many children unfortunately suffer far greater hardship than I did, but I'm trying to find reasons for being/feeling the way I do now, in adulthood. I also feel like I'm manipulative and clever and that's the only way I have people to love me.
And I'm becoming a horrible control freak - I tut at people all the time in the house if they leave something out of place or out.
I could go on but it's too long as it is. I'm going to try not to be embarrassed about the length/content as in for a penny, in for a pound - this is rather a last resort. I'll conclude with saying I am taking 5htp 2x 100mg per night. Pre menstrual is hell. Whilst I don't want to think of anyone suffering, I would be so grateful just even to hear that I'm not on my own. Please....
thank you so much for the time that you have taken if you have read this and even more if you reply.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-11-2009 at 09:10 PM.
Reason: removed names and inappropriate language
Try to imagine yourself taking a photograph of the earth from the moon like Armstrong did on the first moon landing. You've probably seen the picture he took as it has become iconic, the most important image ever recorded by a human being in the history of human life on this planet (well at least since photography was invented). It's a haunting and unique image that changed the mentality of human beings towards their own planet forever because it showed the earth as a sphere floating in total blackness, observable only because of the light from the sun, a bit like shining a torch on a balloon on a black night. And just like a balloon, fragile so very very fragile.
Can you see the earth as Armstrong did in your mind's eye?
Now come closer.
You enter the earth's blue atmosphere and notice that on the land surfaces there seem to be bacteria that move. Hundreds and thousands of them, in fact millions of them, like ants.
How did that life get there you wonder? But that question is of secondary importance to the fact that those things that move are conscious and have feelings and rational thoughts and somehow communicate ideas to each other through speech. With a combination of speech and thought they have acquired a unique phenomenon called imagination. This allows them to speculate on the origins of their planet and its place in the universe. It also allows them to speculate on their own origins and the reasons for their own existence. Where did they come from? Towards what goal are they destined?
As well as the phenomenon of imagination they have feelings of love and hate and sometimes kill each other over the mystery of their existence which they disagree about.
You are just one of those specks of bacteria which may have a history of love or abuse depending on nothing other than fate.
Could one of those specks change the pent up anger and frustration it feels at being misused by other specks as it grew up?
What would be the mechanism that would allow it to change from being a speck which had become self destructive because of the actions of other specks towards it in the past? What method could it employ to escape the effects of their behaviour towards it, now, in its present moments?
There is no magic that it could call upon apart from the magic that these specks had devised for themselves through language and thought, that thing called imagination, a truly wonderful phenomenon that other (lesser) specks on the surface of this wonderful planet did not share with them.
So it ponders.....
What thoughts could it employ to stave off the destructive feelings that these specks have caused it in their behavior towards it. How could it escape the torment and the feelings of despair it feels now just because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.......
And it uses that thing that is unique to itself.......
It imagines taking a picture of the earth from space
and seeing itself for the first time as something so tiny and insignificant in the large scheme of things, that it decides for the first time ever that its life will be, from now on, as happy or as sad or as good or as bad as it decides it is going to be.
In other words it takes control of itself rather than be buffeted about by the events of the past which it can do nothing at all to alter. The change has to be within its own head.
So it decides that it will not repeat the events of its own past and behave as badly towards its immediate specks (the one with the large brown eyes in particular) as others had behaved towards it as it has learnt a lot from looking at the earth from a distance such as the scale of things and getting things into the right perspective.
So powerful is the imagination of this speck that it can conceive of itself as god-like as others have done before it.
Very grateful for this point of view. It is insightful, clever, thought provoking and poignant. It reminds me to be as strong as I possibly can and encourages me even more to endeavour to beat my demons. It makes me highly ashamed and desperately, sickeningly sad that, however infrequently, I DO shout at my beautiful speck, causing fear and anguish - it makes absolutely no difference that I don't smack or strike any physical blows - I scare him - a rose by any other name... no child deserves that. Anger management called for I suspect.
If I look back to the time when I posted my message, though, it was one of those times when I had controlled things as far as I possibly could and caved. It feels separate to the above issue and the feelings that come seem detached and remote. Everything is black. Everything I have ever done seems selfish and I can find counterpoints for anything positive about me that loved ones may come up with. The feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, self absorbtion, fraud and sometimes pure wickedness cannot be controlled and they just aren't a choice - they are sheer torment and at times like this connected inextricably with the ugliest of all; self pity. I am repulsed by myself even for drawing attention to myself in this capacity but on the other hand, still "with it" enough to know that this is a necessary evil - if I don't find a way to disentangle myself from this fairly soon and think/feel differently abaout myself, then it'll win.
I just happened to read your post because of the heading.
I don’t suffer from depression myself and the posts I have read on here are usually between depressives and it all gets a bit claustrophobic for me…..very little objectivity which is what most of them need, in my opinion of course. Achieving it is another matter and that was why I came at you from sideways.
The power to self cure has to come from within your own head but first you have to overcome a problem.
You are blessed and cursed with an intelligent mind. I can tell that by reading your posts and it was probably your intelligence that has caused your loss of perspective. I'm going to make a generalisation and say that in my experience people of low intelligence do not get themselves into such a mental state because they haven’t got the mental capacity to do it.
The thing that got you into this mess, your mind, is the only thing (in the long run apart from dulling your intelligence with drugs or altering its mechanism, which is not a good idea) that will get you out of it. You used the word 'clever' in your reply to my post. I never intended it that way. It is a thought process I have developed for my own well being, even though I don't suffer from depression and I thought it was about time I wrote it down.
It is almost impossible to advise people about this ailment, but it is self inflicted (you are not born with it, neither is it contagious, nor is it genetically based) and if that is the case then it can be un-inflicted by using the same process that caused it to arrive. The mind controls emotions and moods and if you want to have some sort of self government then (without becoming a control freak) you have to achieve that task by hook or by crook.
Ego is a powerful thing and some people are more egocentric that others and it seems to me that the ego can be used destructively or healthily depending on your ability to see things objectively, hence my description of everybody as 'specks' because it takes the self centeredness away and out of yourself.
'Out of yourself' is probably what you should aim for in order to gain control of your anger and it is your intelligent mind that will allow you to do that, see yourself from a distance.
Your reply contains all the elements for self-healing. You are able to verbalise your ideas well and can see where some problems lie. You have the bricks and mortar to start, you just need the blueprint on how to start.
The blueprint is imagination.
You know how it feels to be on the receiving end of your tongue as you regret making your son frightened. The equation now is......are your feelings more important than his? Yes they are and no they're not, it depends on circumstances so don't beat yourself up for getting angry when it's justified.
You have to imagine what other people feel when they are in exchanges with you and if it is important to you that they feel comfortable then you know that your behaviour has to change and you then have to analyse what you need to do for that to happen which is a mind process of course.
You can do it........... you have the power of a god.
Some of it is definitely practicable; I can and am seeing myself more from a distance, as you suggest, when, for example, I feel me patience straining and my tongue pulling hard on its leash. This is a great exercise and I shall endeavour to continue to call on it.
Some of it though, I just don't think is within my grasp. I don't think that this is just an illness, although several close family members are pre-disposed. I think a lot of it is simply a case of an intrinsically flawed personality. But is that the illness talking or is that the truth?
If it doesn't get too claustrophobic, I'll go in a bit more.
Ego...my ego is, I think, quite quite huge. Here starts the conflict within. One of the most peculiar feelings about all of this is that I feel both inferior and superior at the same time - at this point I will say that I am the biggest hypocrite out as I heavily advertise the fact that I feel that people who behave in a superior manner, or who judge themselves to BE superior, are loathesome individuals. So here I am, inferior AND superior - "why has she made such hard work out of frying that egg?, does he REALLY think that that is clean?, how can you NOT understand what I'm saying when it would be clear to a five year old?" ...etc. It is mortifying to write it down. The hilarious thing is that the feelings of inferiority are cranked up no end by feeling superior about things like these! So, I'll try to say to myself how everyone is different, how no two people do things the same way and stop being so horribly uncharitable...but it makes no difference - really, I'll still feel it. What I mostly feel inferior about is this trait and others like it; I do feel unkind and unyielding in my thoughts and I have to control my deeds in order to act differently, otherwise I'll be found out for the meany that I am. Hence fraud. I feel constantly manipulative and deceitful. (It is surprisingly tiring)
I know HOW a decent human being should behave, should think, should feel. Believe it or not, I'm a bit of an agony aunt - I can dish it out all day long but I know in my heart of hearts it's not naturally me. Or maybe some of it is - sometimes I wonder if there are two fo me in here. Oh and I just love the praise that results from another successfully resolved situation (which also makes me feel unttractive, fairly obviously).
Inately, I feel spiteful, childlike, cruel, self-righteous, unforgiving and vindictive. But I don't feel any of those things towards kids - around them I feel mature, responsible, capable, loving, fiercely protective, nurturing; I like teaching them and I love feeding them - everything to do with looking after kids feels natural and right, the only thing that does. And I do like to help people, but I've worked out that that's just to try and make me feel better about myself. I'm forever making cakes for neighbours, doing favours where I can - quite nauseating (and actually just on good days when I can bear to put my head above the parapet and approach other people and not run away from them or hide)
My standards are excruciatingly high in some areas, as is my drive - both exhausting to keep up. But in other areas, surprisingly (surprisingly to me anyway) lax. See, I think the control you speak of is underway - but not in the right sense at all.
I'm going to leave it at that for now and see if you still talk to me!
Don't expect quick fix - it's just that I've been doing that sort of thing for a long time now and I actually can feel me taking the **** out of/mocking myself whilst doing it if you know what I mean! (me, myself and I?) I'm sure there'll be a lot more to the book than that. Thanks matey. And I will, he gets lots and lots!
May I ask where your knowledge comes from? I'm sure I'll get suitably told off if I'm not allowed to say things like that.
Have a good one
1/ Na I'm as thick as two short planks when it comes to psychological analysis, it doesn't follow logic.
2/ The book is simple and the message is straightforward. No mind bending concepts, you can read it in an hour if you're quick, but (good or bad) I'm a believer in the hare and tortoise fable.
3/ Don't have any qualifications in shrinkiness if that's what you mean. I don't suffer from depression. Melancholia can be pleasant or painful with me but it doesn't drive me into the depths of despair, so perhaps I'm not qualified to comment on your illness. In which case I apologise. Only came on this board by mistake and continued reading out of curiosity because there are cases where a genuine feeling of wretchedness is understandable and difficult to come to terms with, perhaps you are an example of one of those instances.
But, I can imagine what it might be like to be the child of a depressed parent so offered my small crumbs of comfort. I'll wind my neck in now.
All the best.....and remember, the power is with you.