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Old 12-05-2009, 05:04 PM   #1
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unsupportive family

I've been trying to deal with serious depression for a while an everyone keeps telling me not to do it alone and im trying but no one wants to help me and it's been making me feel worse.
i was just talking to my mom about how i feel and something i've been having trouble with and she yelling at me and saying "shut the hell up" and "what is WRONG with you?!?!". she also called me stupid and annoying and told me that im pretending i have depression so i can use it as an excuse! she was basically acting like i was a freak....which i feel like because i dont know what's wrong with me. this whole thing, obviously did not make me feel good at all. I dont know what to do...im really struggling with serious depression but my parents wont help and they do stuff like this! I need help. can anyone give me suggestions on how to get through depression with an unsupportive family?
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Old 12-06-2009, 09:40 AM   #2
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Re: unsupportive family

Personally I know that unless people research on depression, they wont know what it is and telling them that you are suffering will result in them just thinking about a state of mind rather than an actual medical condition. So just try to live your life in front of them in a normal way but at the same time I know that parents dread seeing their kids suffer from depression, worse than seeing them suffer from physical pain related illnesses. Perhaps you can write what you feel here. People here are very supportive and like to help each other. The more information we get, the more we can help or suggest what type of help you can get. Thanks

 
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Old 12-07-2009, 11:11 PM   #3
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Re: unsupportive family

Hi i would like to say that i too have a very unsupportive family!! Ive been suffering mental and physical illness for 20 yrs now and that whole time ive had no support whatsoever. Im alway's on my own. I truly understand ur feelings as family should be there no matter what regardless of being "mentally ill" or "physicaly ill",there seems to be a difference when ur classed as MENTAL. Also ur suffering verbal abuse as i cop the same as in name calling,even my family are alway's calling me names or they all backstab me,but i find out eventually what they are saying. If ur family are like that you need to get out of there as soon as you can if able to?? or see ur doc and get some help please. Look after YOU only,

sincerly,

damagedgoods41.......
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Old 12-09-2009, 05:32 PM   #4
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Re: unsupportive family

Depression may be an illness but it takes time and experience to get to that point.

My family is the source of my depression. I am the youngest and have 4 older siblings. My childhood was a complicated mosaic of neglect, entitlement ( material things given to fill a void) competition, more neglect, lack of communication, dicipline lack of NURTURING on a deep emotional level. I came to the conclusion, after getting help in another forum my Mother was a Narcissist, my Father her codependent servent, and the rest of us filled various roles to suit her. Two siblings were favourites, one was in the middle and 2 were scapegoats. I am a scapegoat.

My position is a no win one.

Bottom line, everything revolved around her.

Anyone who suffers lifelong depression here (unles they had some sort of head trama) needs to take a good hard look at their family of origion and i bet they will realize they are the source.

My next conclusion was i will never get healthy support from my family. My sense of self will always feel diminished when around them. I may get a little supportive fix, but the underlying htem is always "I am not worthy".

Though i feel very alone at times i have realized my only releif will be obtained if i use self affirmations, build my life from the bottom up. Try to establish healthier relationships and concentrate on Holistic health ( proper nutrition, exercise, NO MEDS!) Changing my inner dialog is a focus. I have to be kind to myself first.

Healthy People are not attracted to or want to spend time with negative self destructive people unless they have those qualities.

My family was like an addiction, and my relapses kept me from getting better. The periods of my life when i stayed away from them i was happiest.

Self awareness ( getting a proper diagnosis and support from a therapist) then initiating No Contact is my latest move.

I'm still not well, but knowing the source of my pain, releasing myself from it/them has been very liberating and healing.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 10:11 PM   #5
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Re: unsupportive family

thank you all for your stories. it actually really helps to know that peole understand what im going through, and you are all helping me to feel a little less alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by keenobserver View Post
Personally I know that unless people research on depression, they wont know what it is and telling them that you are suffering will result in them just thinking about a state of mind rather than an actual medical condition. So just try to live your life in front of them in a normal way but at the same time I know that parents dread seeing their kids suffer from depression, worse than seeing them suffer from physical pain related illnesses. Perhaps you can write what you feel here. People here are very supportive and like to help each other. The more information we get, the more we can help or suggest what type of help you can get. Thanks
I agree with you in that my parents probably just don't want to see it so they act like it's not going on. But i wish that the would just acknowledge it because i really need their help. I'm too young to be dealing with this by myself. And, yeah, it really does help to write on here. As you said more info is helpful. I did write another post a little while ago that explains all the feelings/symptoms im having if anyone wants to take a look at that. And thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by damagedgoods41 View Post
Hi i would like to say that i too have a very unsupportive family!! Ive been suffering mental and physical illness for 20 yrs now and that whole time ive had no support whatsoever. Im alway's on my own. I truly understand ur feelings as family should be there no matter what regardless of being "mentally ill" or "physicaly ill",there seems to be a difference when ur classed as MENTAL. Also ur suffering verbal abuse as i cop the same as in name calling,even my family are alway's calling me names or they all backstab me,but i find out eventually what they are saying. If ur family are like that you need to get out of there as soon as you can if able to?? or see ur doc and get some help please. Look after YOU only,

sincerly,

damagedgoods41.......
Thats horrible that it's been going on for 20 years! im so sorry!
I've been having both the mental and physical pain.
And i do agree that family should be there no matter what, but i guess sometimes that doesnt happen
Yeah my family is exactly like that. I'd love to get out of here but unfortunantly i'm only 15 so it's gonna be a while. but i do try to stay out of the house as much as possible and when im at home i keep to my room or something.
thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoriGhan View Post
Depression may be an illness but it takes time and experience to get to that point.

My family is the source of my depression. I am the youngest and have 4 older siblings. My childhood was a complicated mosaic of neglect, entitlement ( material things given to fill a void) competition, more neglect, lack of communication, dicipline lack of NURTURING on a deep emotional level. I came to the conclusion, after getting help in another forum my Mother was a Narcissist, my Father her codependent servent, and the rest of us filled various roles to suit her. Two siblings were favourites, one was in the middle and 2 were scapegoats. I am a scapegoat.

My position is a no win one.

Bottom line, everything revolved around her.

Anyone who suffers lifelong depression here (unles they had some sort of head trama) needs to take a good hard look at their family of origion and i bet they will realize they are the source.

My next conclusion was i will never get healthy support from my family. My sense of self will always feel diminished when around them. I may get a little supportive fix, but the underlying htem is always "I am not worthy".

Though i feel very alone at times i have realized my only releif will be obtained if i use self affirmations, build my life from the bottom up. Try to establish healthier relationships and concentrate on Holistic health ( proper nutrition, exercise, NO MEDS!) Changing my inner dialog is a focus. I have to be kind to myself first.

Healthy People are not attracted to or want to spend time with negative self destructive people unless they have those qualities.

My family was like an addiction, and my relapses kept me from getting better. The periods of my life when i stayed away from them i was happiest.

Self awareness ( getting a proper diagnosis and support from a therapist) then initiating No Contact is my latest move.

I'm still not well, but knowing the source of my pain, releasing myself from it/them has been very liberating and healing.
thank you for your insight and your story. it really helps to know that other people are out there who are dealing with th same issues and understand.
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Old 12-10-2009, 12:21 PM   #6
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Re: unsupportive family

Hi
MoriGhan: Im number 4 of 4 in the family and I think that the two elder ones have more success in their marriages (the only married ones) because they were given more love when they were young. Me and the one next one up are single and it seems as though its going to be like that for a long time for her but for me its permanent!

The reason this has happened though I feel is that parents couldnt give all the attention they couldve. Also I know that my parents were arranged and so eventually they didnt like each other and decided to stay together as part of culture, tradition etc. So me and my elder sister grew up being loved but not seeing it. Also being imposed by the wrong senior figure doesnt help at all.
My point to you is to look at things from their point of view. If you can see that, you can diagnose any mental illness in my opinion.

Singergirl: You mentioned that you avoided your parents completely but bottling up all your emotions away from them has alienated you from them and so you have become a bit of an outsider to them. If you want to change things around, you need to start making the effort of getting close to them. Then as you become closer and closer, you tend to either lose this depression or be able to speak to them openly about it. The second choice though is almost certain not to turn out well eventually. This is because family figures rarely talk to each other unjudgementally.

Anyway I hope all of this makes sense and there is something you can get out of this.
Thanks

 
Old 12-10-2009, 07:54 PM   #7
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Re: unsupportive family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Singergirl View Post
I've been trying to deal with serious depression for a while an everyone keeps telling me not to do it alone and im trying but no one wants to help me and it's been making me feel worse.
i was just talking to my mom about how i feel and something i've been having trouble with and she yelling at me and saying "shut the hell up" and "what is WRONG with you?!?!". she also called me stupid and annoying and told me that im pretending i have depression so i can use it as an excuse! she was basically acting like i was a freak....which i feel like because i dont know what's wrong with me. this whole thing, obviously did not make me feel good at all. I dont know what to do...im really struggling with serious depression but my parents wont help and they do stuff like this! I need help. can anyone give me suggestions on how to get through depression with an unsupportive family?
Unfortunately, some families just can't or won't deal with a family member having depression. You're going to have to deal with it with medication and counseling. If you have any friends who you can talk to that would help also.

Honestly though, even with familes that are sympathetic and want to help, there's not really much they can do other that just be supportive. That's great, but it's not going to really help you get better.

Your family being jerks about this is too bad, but there's not much you can do about it. Ignore their comments and do what's best for yourself.

 
Old 12-11-2009, 07:37 AM   #8
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Re: unsupportive family

Quote:
Originally Posted by keenobserver View Post
My point to you is to look at things from their point of view.
Hi Keenobserver. Yes it's always best to try and see things from others point of view. There are specific guidelines though when it comes to having healthy family relations.Some are: offering positive support and feedback to guide and nurture. Physical contact ( not sexual) hugging, and touching. Open, honest, non abusive communication when being mistreated, fair treatment ( avoid favourtism) disciplinary action when siblings mistreat each other. Guidance and problem solving.


A lot of those things were lacking in my upbringing.

My older siblings loved me but also resented me. I was pushed aside, experienced their jealous projections, they rarely protected me. They saw me as having more then them materially, because our parents were better off financially when i was born. My older siblings were born into poverty for the first 8 yrs of their lives.

Lack of well rounded communication was common.

Naturally I don't bond with them well. I tended to form relationships with people who mirrored their treatment of me, and couldn't bond with them either.

My Father is a very negative person. Withdrew from challenges.
So i wasn't really depressed through my childhood or as a young adult. I had short bouts of sadness, but not depression. It took years of failed relationships before i got to a Major depressive state.

My depression became full blown when I hit 30, was in an abusive relationship, and after the birth of my son.

It''s been a struggle ever since.

I guess my conclusion is, in response to your post, that being brought up by a family who's running theme is to resent, avoid and neglect me, it doesn't set a person up for a happy life. My self esteem was damaged at an early age, and though i am pretty intelligent, and have some specialized talents, it is hard for me to build a healthy emotional life.

Now that i am fully aware of the source of my depression, it's like a renovation. There's still time to change and it starts inside me.

Thanks for responding!;0)

Last edited by MoriGhan; 12-11-2009 at 08:04 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 12-11-2009, 04:06 PM   #9
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Re: unsupportive family

Hi Singergirl,

I'm from Philadelphia as well, your parents just like mine grew up under different circumstances so I'm sure it's hard for them to understand. I went through the same exact situation and it really wasn't easy for them to grasp depression being an actual ailment.

Their response was "What on earth do you have to be depressed about?" they assumed this was something that I could just easily get over and didn't provide me with any support. I supported myself and used friends and online discussions as my own support system, I feel as though having to stand out there on me a stronger person.

 
Old 12-11-2009, 06:23 PM   #10
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Re: unsupportive family


Hi to all,

Thx for ur reply's thats very kind of you. Just an update on what's happening with the family. It was my sister's 46th birthday yesterday and mum told me she didn't want to celebrate this year. Anyway yesterday i had a telephone call from a resturant to confirm the booking for 2nite for my sister's birthday. Well am i very angry as the whole family are just lying to me as usual and Mum keeps saying that her and dad are going out for dinner with old friend's that mum used to work with but it's all lies as usual. I cant believe what there doing and it's not helping my current depressed mood. I hate being lied to and especially by my own mother and father so as far as im concerned they can all go to hell!!! Sorry but am very angry and sad that im just not good enough for my family they make me sick literally!! Im so stressed i just dont know what to do or where to turn as im at my wit's end with all this plus my daughter called me last night to ask me if i will give her away on christmas day?? When she asked me i said to her that i needed time to think about it as her partner is a full on drug addict and he was the person that got my dughter hooked on drugs at the age of 15yrs old andive never liked him but have put up with him for her sake but im not ready to give her away and certainly not on christmas day as i dont have any time to organize anything and financially it's not a good time as im all spent out on present's for xmas?? She said if i say "NO" she will never see or speak to me again and to me that's just pure blackmail,as if she doesn't get her own way she calls me a * and other horrible names. I dont know what to do as i cant afford to pay for a wedding in less than 3 weeks. I asked her to wait till after but she said you *Cow how dare you say no to me,that's how im treated by her so why should i feel guilty about not being able to do it on that day as all im asking her is to wait until i can afford it but she wont listen to me. Also my Mum knew about it and never told me. Why all the secret's i just dont understand anymore and dont want to be here anymore either.... i want to go to bed and not ever wke up!!!! Then they will all be very happy without me. Sorry but i need to vent a little or i will go insane...... sincerly,

damagedgoods.......:eek :
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Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 12-11-2009 at 06:54 PM. Reason: language

 
Old 12-11-2009, 06:29 PM   #11
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Re: unsupportive family

P.S. IM VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT ALSO DONT HAVE ANY SUPPORT FROM FAMILY OR FRIEND'S. IT COMPLETELY MAKES ME SICK TO THE STOMACH!!!!!!! I THINK THERE THE ONE'S WITH THE PROB'S HALF THE TIME BUT BLAME US FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs to all))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))
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Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 12-11-2009 at 06:55 PM. Reason: in the future please do not use all caps

 
Old 12-12-2009, 09:25 AM   #12
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Re: unsupportive family

Damagedgoods...sorry you are getting yanked around like this.
Perhaps it's a good idea to shift your pain to disgust for your Moms behaviour. She's controlling and emotionally abusive and i bet she triangulates communication with your family members.

If you value relations with your sibs try to communicate with them directly. Don't allow your Mom to be in the middle for she will continue to cause this kind of conflict.
Take your life and decisions into your hands.Take control of your own life.

It takes time but all the best!

 
Old 12-14-2009, 03:43 PM   #13
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Re: unsupportive family

Hello
Just had an unusual thought, Im going to visit my parents some time soon after a year away from them and at this moment I dread that its going to happen, theyre great people but in times of personal troubles, theyre the last people Id like to meet, in fact in any indecisive situation where I need to make a decision or any support from anyone would be helpful, they are people I would certainly not want to be around. As a matter of fact I dont think I have special memory of either of them.

I hope this does not make me sound bizzare but its the truth and I dont know how to deal with things like this normally. Help!

 
Old 12-14-2009, 07:50 PM   #14
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Re: unsupportive family

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoriGhan View Post
Damagedgoods...sorry you are getting yanked around like this.
Perhaps it's a good idea to shift your pain to disgust for your Moms behaviour. She's controlling and emotionally abusive and i bet she triangulates communication with your family members.

If you value relations with your sibs try to communicate with them directly. Don't allow your Mom to be in the middle for she will continue to cause this kind of conflict.
Take your life and decisions into your hands.Take control of your own life.

It takes time but all the best!
hELLO mORIgAHN,
thx for ur reply. Your so correct about my mum. She is doing everything she can behind my back,she is also secretly organizing a wedding for my daughter for christmas day?? I cant believe what she's doing as im Beccy's mother and I should have a say about what's going to happen,when,where ect!!! All ive been told is that i "have to give my daughter away" on that day and if I dont my daughter say's she will never speak to me again,which makes me so sad!! I have asked my daughter to wait so i can organize a proper wedding if that's what she want's but she has only given me less than 2 weeks notice and i cant organize a wedding that quick. Anyway last night my mother said to me "I HAVE ORGANIZED EVERYTHING WITH BECCY AND YOU WILL NEED TO BE THERE TO GIVE HER AWAY" then i said to my mum so youv'e just gone behind my back with my daughter and organized all of this without even asking me what i want for my daughter. To be honest i dont know if im even going to turn up as i dont know what is happening as they wont tell me. My mum is loving the fact that she is trying to run my life for me and she is getting worse each and every day. I was supposed to see my grandaughter 2day,which again my mother organized without asking me if it was to be ok. Anyway last night i only had about 2hours sleep and just couldn't get up so early as im just mentally and physically exhausted to the point that it's a struggle just to get a shower ect!!! I dont understand why my daughter cant wait for me to organize a proper wedding,instead of me being told that i have to do this and do that and i want this and i want that. When i spoke to my daughter last week she said you buy my veil,cake,dress,flower's,drink's ect for 20 guests. Im on a disability pension and only have 1 more pay before christmas and just cant afford to pay for all of this as i have my own bill's to pay and xmas present's to finish off. I dont know what to do as if I say no about anything my entire family just turn's on me and put's more stresses on me and i truly cant cope anymore. I hate life and living as im in so much pain mentally and physically i feel like an old woman. sorry i didnt mran to write a story book it's just i have to get all this off my chest so to speak. thx again for listening. Hope you have a good day/night!!!!

sincerly,

damagedgoods41...........:dizz y:
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:56 AM   #15
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Re: unsupportive family

Hi Keenobserver and damagedgoods.

I'm going to be 49 and it took me until this past year to FULLY get my family dysfunction.

I spent almost 15 yrs at the halfway mark ( understanding they aren't healthy, but not understanding my position, as a scapegoat, and thus I NEVER WIN< will NEVER have healthy supportive relations with them.)

Although i could handle myself and succeed somewhat in the outside world, I could never get beyond being victmized by my family. Their constant influence and me allowing them to effect me, took a lot of my energy away. Energy that i could of put toward making my life better. What a mistake having them as part of my "support system"!!?


They won't change will NEVER change, Nobody with similar situations will see change, so what to do?

Build yourslef up. Do what it takes to get yourself out of victim mode. If because of age or illness, this can't be achieved, then surround yourself with peers, and people who aren't going to poke at your weakness's all the time. Join groups ( crafts, games, interests) volunteer. Find something that makes you feel usefull and empowered.

or Stay AWAY, especially if vulnerable and in trouble. They just LOVE it when they can dump on you. Even if they are kind. The kindness comes out of PITY< NOT true concern or love. It's better to go to them with "my life is going ok, I am involved , and "happy"......But then usually these kinds of families will knock you down if you have good news.They may not do it immediately but they will show resentment in their future actions.

DamagedGoods....People will see you as you see and present yourself. We have to do our own work or we get pushed aside. Narcissistic mothers have a way of pushing you down early in life, and keeping you there. My Mother tried to interfere and COMPETE with me over my son. I wouldn't let it happen. Did your mother get custody of your daughter? If so then she has been providing and THAT is the problem. everything is about making HER look good.

You need to think ONLY about your daughter. Try to push what your mother does to you, OUT< and BE THERE for your daughter. If you can't afford to contribute to a wedding then contribute what you can. Be present , help with decoratiing, put yourself IN there in a positive LIGHT!

Unfortunately you can't do anything to change the decisions made now.
As soon as you let your Mother push your buttons, become argumentative, whatever. You lose.

Focus on NOW, how you want your daughter to remember you , and act on those thoughts.

Try not to let your Mom victimize you any further.If you want to remain involved with family , changing your reactions is important.

I decided to have NO contact with mine. I should 've decided that long ago, but here i am. I just can't eccept the box they put me in, so i just stay away.

It's NOT easy. I am choosing to not complain or go down the self hatred road.

The way I was raised, and what it taught me, how i functioned in the world wasn't my fault. Once i found out the problem(s) I know better. My life isn't so great either, but It doesn't have to remain that way. It's up to me now.

All the best!

 
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