I remember being a kid and sitting by myself and crying because I was so ugly, even though people always told me I wasn't. It's not what they said it's what I see. My mother probably didn't help, I remember people telling me all the time how much I looked like my mom and then turn around and listen to my mother talk about how fat and ugly she was. My dad was an alcoholic so I am sure he had depression, I know now that my mother did and still does! I still have a hard time feeling like the friends I have are true friends and that they don't talk bad about me when I am not around. I have a hard time believing my husband of 20 years is really happy with me. I have the hardest time making friends, speaking up in meetings and/or class, oh and dont even ask about writing my own resume. I practically had to have a previous employer write it for me because all of the things I accomplished or was a part of didn't sound right when I tried it sounded like bragging or like I was embelishing and I didn't have half the things that she put. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments I think I probably could have done better, done it quicker....When I graduated with two Associate degrees I made myself go to the ceremony, I thought if maybe I participated in the end result I would feel more like I had accomplished something. Instead the anxiety took over and all I wanted to d was get out there. All I could think about was how silly I looked in that cap and how I was older that a lot of the other graduates. Sometimes I think the anxiety is worse than the depression.
It's so strange to hear other people are having these same thoughts and emotions too. For a long time I really thought I was the only person feeling these types of things. You know that it can't be right to thinkthose things or feel that way...but it feels so justified in your mind. Even things that happen around you, you can twist or dwell on long enough that they feel like substantial evidence that "hey I was right" or "see I knew it". I just want to be normal and be able to be assertive without second guessing my self all the time. I know most of these things are because of my self conscience and self worth issues but I have no idea how to get past them. Maybe along with or instead of just meds I need therapy too.
You are not alone, it is a life long struggle for a lot of us. Seeking the help you need is a great step towards fixing the problem. I have been struggling with issues for most of my life, it wasn't until 5 years ago that I seeked out the help that I needed. Even with meds I still struggle with issues. I am my own worst enemy. I don't go to work sometimes for no apparant reason, have been fired from 1 job and if I don't staighten up I will be fired again!
I want to wish you luck on your road to recovery, realizing you have a problem and then seeking the help is 2 steps in the right direction. All the best to you.
Thanks for the reply! That was a particularly bad day actually. Sometimes I can feel "the sad" creeping in and I can do something to change my thoughts or feelings and keep it out. However, there are a lot of times I can't. Have you ever tried to explain depression to some one that doesn't deal with it? My poor husband...it took almost 20 years for me to explain it well enough that he knows now to just leave me alone. It isn't anything he did or didn't do and he can't fix it. So just let me deal with it and give me my space and time. Maybe one day I will be a normal person.
I'm so sorry. I can empathize, there's quite a few of us feeling the same way. Comforting? I don't know! I wonder too if I will ever be "normal" but if you start your childhood like this maybe this is the normal. How do we go back to regular when we were never there? We have to create a person who doesn't feel like this? How would we do that when we don't even see our major accomplishments as deserving?
I hope you do become normal whatever that is! Therapy and meds aren't really helping me. It's all so confusing.
The things you're describing are similar to my own story. Especially with the lack of confidence in yourself.
The reason I replied is because it sounds like sometimes you're able to function & feel fine until the depression hits you and takes over. This happened to me over and over and I kept putting off going to a doctor because when I was feeling rational enough to analyze what was going on I thought I was just having a "bad day". As the bad days got more frequent, it was only out of feeling bad for my husband dealing with my mood slumps that I finally went to a doctor.
Now that I am on medication and getting regular therapy, I still struggle, but can say that I am on a path to recovery.
A lot of days I feel fine and even want to cancel my therapy sessions, but once I go I am amazed at all of the things that come out during these sessions.
So what I'm trying to say is take the time for yourself and get some help, you're worth it.