Life long struggle.
I remember being a kid and sitting by myself and crying because I was so ugly, even though people always told me I wasn't. It's not what they said it's what I see. My mother probably didn't help, I remember people telling me all the time how much I looked like my mom and then turn around and listen to my mother talk about how fat and ugly she was. My dad was an alcoholic so I am sure he had depression, I know now that my mother did and still does! I still have a hard time feeling like the friends I have are true friends and that they don't talk bad about me when I am not around. I have a hard time believing my husband of 20 years is really happy with me. I have the hardest time making friends, speaking up in meetings and/or class, oh and dont even ask about writing my own resume. I practically had to have a previous employer write it for me because all of the things I accomplished or was a part of didn't sound right when I tried it sounded like bragging or like I was embelishing and I didn't have half the things that she put. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments I think I probably could have done better, done it quicker....When I graduated with two Associate degrees I made myself go to the ceremony, I thought if maybe I participated in the end result I would feel more like I had accomplished something. Instead the anxiety took over and all I wanted to d was get out there. All I could think about was how silly I looked in that cap and how I was older that a lot of the other graduates. Sometimes I think the anxiety is worse than the depression.
It's so strange to hear other people are having these same thoughts and emotions too. For a long time I really thought I was the only person feeling these types of things. You know that it can't be right to thinkthose things or feel that way...but it feels so justified in your mind. Even things that happen around you, you can twist or dwell on long enough that they feel like substantial evidence that "hey I was right" or "see I knew it". I just want to be normal and be able to be assertive without second guessing my self all the time. I know most of these things are because of my self conscience and self worth issues but I have no idea how to get past them. Maybe along with or instead of just meds I need therapy too.