what do you think I should do
I know I wrote a lot, but I needed to get this off my chest. Please read it and make some sort of comment about what you think I should do or whatever.
I believe that I may be suffering from anxiety and depression. I am 18 and itís my freshman year of college and I have lost all focus on school work. I had an A minus average during my first semester and right now I donít care at all. I never really studied before, but now itís different. Last semester I would at least pay attention during class so I could understand the material. Now, I donít even pay attention and thatís if I actually decide to go to class that day.
When I was young and attending elementary school, I remember I was always very quiet. I would never raise my hand and I would rarely talk to anyone I didnít know. I still did well academically. I was an excellent math student scoring in the 99th percentile and I scored around the 70th percentile for language arts. Math teachers used to always give me extra work because I would score 100 percent on the pre-test, which was before the class even learned the material. I never understood why I had extra work and none of the other kids did. Looking back, it seems obvious why I was given the advanced material, but to a 9 year old kid, it didnít make sense. When I reached middle school, I was still in the accelerated math program, but I never did any of the homework. This basically continued through high school. I feel I am more intelligent than a lot of the other kids, but I never had the motivation to try as hard as some other kids. When I look back, I feel a little depressed that I didnít try hard enough, but Iím still happy with my grades. I did well enough to get into the schools I wanted and I got into the program I wanted.
I was happy with my academic career, but I had a tough time in school. For as long as I can remember I was always bullied. I was a small kid so I was never very good at sports so I was always made fun of every year. I can remember in second grade when a kid about four years older than me tackled me head first into the middle of the street for no apparent reason. As I got older, it only got worse. Every day in junior high I remember coming home with bruises on my arm from kids hitting me. I was also verbally abused by multiple kids every day too. The bullying hit a climax one day when another kid at reason threw my head into a basketball pole. The teachers never really intervened or I was bullied when there was no supervision. And I was too shy and scared to say something so it never stopped. Every day I would say to myself just make it through middle school and everything will work out in high school.
After graduating junior high, I was excited for high school. I wanted to start a new chapter in my life and put everything behind me. I was looking forward to meeting some girls and hoping to get a girl friend. But the same old stuff happened. I wasnít punched as much anymore, but I still had to put up with a lot of crap from a lot of different kids. I never outgrew the shyness from when I was younger so I never took the opportunity to get to know a girl and ask her out. I never once went on a date and that really depressed me. I was always shy and scared to even ask some of the kids I knew to just hang out. I would get really nervous and I just wouldnít say anything. Most weekends I would just sit around sulking. There was nothing for me to do. Eventually after being bullied and lonely for so long, I started to feel angry. I would never take the anger out on anyone because of my anxiety, but on the inside I would feel sad and/or angry at all times. And just like in middle school, I kept telling myself that I would have a fresh start in college and I would have the best four years of my life.
Of course I was wrong about that. The day I moved in, all the other kids on my dorm knew their roommates except me. In fact, I didnít know anyone going to that college period. The day I met my roommate, I knew we were completely different. He didnít share any of my interests and he was kind of creepy. Since the first weekend of the first semester he hasnít said more than 50 words to me unless I ask him a question. Then he would answer it and go about his business. It is very awkward and depressing sitting in my dorm doing absolutely nothing. The anxiety kept me from going out and meeting the other kids in my dorm. I was hoping everyone would be new, but everyone already had their friends from high school. Iím going to school in Georgia about 4 hours away from anyone I knew from high school so I was literally all alone. I didnít feel homesick though. Leaving home wasnít the problem. I was fine with that. The problem was meeting new people. Every weekend I just sit around alone in my dorm. I feel I had a perfect opportunity to start a new life where my past didnít matter, but I feel I screwed that up.
I feel hopeless at almost all times. I have no one to talk to because I never got very close to anyone in high school. I only stay in contact with about two or three kids and thatís it. I canít talk to my parents because I never really got along with them well. Iím thankful that I grew up in a nice house in a nice area, but I never felt I could talk to them about anything. My parents were very overprotective when I was a kid and they would always tell me no whenever I wanted to sleepover a friendís house or something like that. When I was in high school and I had no idea what kind of career to pursue I would tell my parents some idea I had and they would always tell me I could never do that. It would just lower my already low self esteem. My parents also told insinuate I was a bad kid when I never got in much trouble. They would tell me when I was 15 or 16 that if I got arrested they would try me as an adult and I would have trouble finding a job when I was older. Now they think Iíve just been doing drugs and alcohol in college. I would love to be able to go out and party at college, but I donít know anyone so I donít drink or use drugs. When I was home over winter break I had nothing to do so when I was bored and hungry I would drive to Burger King and order something. Iíd come home about 20 minutes later and my parents thought I was out buying drugs. I donít know why they think I was such a bad kid.
Nothing interests me anymore. Iím a huge Duke Basketball fan and theyíre doing great this year, but Iím not really that excited. Iím usually really into it, but now itís like whatever. It doesnít get me excited anymore. Iíve also been thinking that if this is going to be what is like for the next four years, I might as well drop out if Iím going to be miserable. Right now the only thing that can comfort me is music. Iíve been writing lyrics and Iíve been thinking that my future is in music even though I never had any musical talents when I was younger. Iíve written some pretty good song lyrics but whenever I try to record the song I get nervous even if I have the house to myself Iím afraid someone might hear it and think itís horrible. Then I feel even more depressed and I question myself by thinking how could you possibly think that I had a good enough voice to perform songs.
I have no idea what to do to feel better in life. Iím starting to think that this is my future. I will never become happy and Iíll always feel depressed and agitated. I was put on medication (SSRI) for a month after my senior year and nothing changed except I couldnít fall asleep. Whenever I look back at my childhood, I feel I missed out on everything because I was depressed and just sulking. It seems like I missed having a normal childhood and I didnít have the same experience as most kids. I feel my childhood is over and I missed out. When I was in high school I couldnít wait for the second I got out. Now I would do anything to go back. At least then I had some hope for the future.