| | Uncertainty for the future - I know I need help...
I have been diagnosed with many things through the years. At times I find that they may not be sure what I have... I have been told I have dysthymia, some forms of bipolar (without the highs of mania), post-traumatic stress, a.d.d and anxiety. It just feels like I have so many issues which need to be fixed.
I have been on and off medication. I've been trying new medication for years and usually start a new one monthly. My psychiatrist has been putting me on the lowest dosages of medications. I have tried Zyprexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Risperdone and many others. I am currently getting off Risperdone.
One thing I've noticed is being on the lowest dosage of those medications causes me to balance my moods so I'm not irrational though I get the worst side effects with all of them. Due to such a low dosage I'm always on it never helps with my depression or to fix things. So the doctor increases the dosage even by upping it a little. Every time this happens it causes my system to not be able to handle it. I usually become insanely depressed, suicidal, irrational, having crying fits and more.
I am at a cross-road. I feel like I can either choose to not be on medication and deal with instability which I don't feel is right to put on to my family... Or I can constantly be changing up medications. I just feel stuck. I wish there was a medication which could react well with me. The psychiatrist recently told that I am very sensitive to medication. Due to this I cannot get the good effects of the medication being on a low dosage. But upping the medication causes massive side effects and makes me worst.
I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone went through this? What can I do?
How it feels:
I'm fearful I'm going to be stuck on disability the rest of my life. I have no hobbies anymore. I have no confidence and zero self-esteem. I get no enjoyment out of anything. I don't even know what I like or dislike. Anything I used to be good at years ago I struggle at, get frustrated and give up on it. I don't have any friends... I feel ignored, lonely and abandoned half the time. My boyfriend has tons of friends... I envy that he has so many. I've tried to make friends and no one ever likes my company or speaks highly of me like his friends do of him. I have difficulty talking these days. I cannot find the words for things. My memory is going. I have irritability issues. My boyfriend says I am the most self-loathing person he has ever met but he loves me. He will stand by me but I feel like a burden... I am jealous of everyone. I wish I had something I was good at. Every day I just feel extreme boredom and get no enjoyment. I feel suicidal occasionally. I have trauma from the past which haunts me. I live with lots of regret from things I did in the past. I'm scared of people. I'm severely hypersensitive to people and things. Medication has made me gain weight so I feel very ugly. I used to love fashion but I can barely fit into clothing I like and when I do I feel hideous. I feel like I am too eccentric for the world. I have opinions which differs from most people. I am always depressed - every day... I care too much what other people think so I'm scared of people seeing me. I get easily stressed and get stressed most of the time. I also cannot handle stress very well.
I need help. And I don't know how to get it. I'm trying so hard. I call my psychiatrist every time the medication causes severe reactions. I wish I knew what was wrong with me or which problem I need to fix first. I just feel like everything has build up. I let things build up too badly and now I can't do anything.
This sounds like ranting... I'm not sure what to ask for or what to ask for. I just feel like I have no where else to go. I am trying to reach out for help but I feel I may be a lost cause. I just wish I would of been born normal. I'm really struggling with who I am these days -- I really don't know.
I have nothing to show for where I am in life. I've dropped out of school more then a few times. I have my GED but that's it. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. Some times I think I know but then I change my mind or lose interest. I'm too scared of people though... I wouldn't be able to handle any social environments. I can't leave the house without my boyfriend coming with me...
I guess I'll end it here. I know I'm probably missing more... I just need help but I don't know what to ask for. Anything you can think of will be very helpful.
Last edited by Gloomy Kitty; 04-16-2010 at 12:18 PM.