| | was there ever a recovery......
Hello. I have been without depression for about 4 months. it ended in january. i no longer have the deep dark, withdrawls into my mind. I see everything clearly and I am truly greatful. However, things are not as I thought it would be. I have always believed that I would be cured one day, afterall, it is mostly all in your head. I do not feel the way I thought I would. I will give you a brief history of my depression. When I was in elementary school, I had a ton of energy. confidence. you name it. I was never shy, introverted. I lived in torrance california and the school i went to had alot of diversity. I moved to washington,state for middle school and that is when everything changed. I went through puberty with alot of angst and an extreme amount of negative emotions i never experienced before. not to mention, i lived in a prodominently white region. I was picked on, I felt ugly, out of place. My first year I cried almost everyday after school. I hardly made any friends and I suppose I developed an inferiority complex that has stayed with me ever since (i am now 22). to make matters worse, I never shared how i felt with anyone else. I kept it in. I hid it from the world. I could never speak to my mom about emotional subjects and I noticed at school everyone seemed to only show the "good" emotions. so I thought that I was supposed to keep it to myself. The following year I decided to try harder. I bought cuter clothes. had a little more confidence and I made friends. although, something was still, and would never be the same. I would go in and out of depression! what is that? has anyone heard of that???? Well. I would feel normal. confident, yadda yadda. I would socialize, joke, dress cute. I would almost be too energetic because I would appreciate being out of my shell so much. Then, I would start to feel less energetic. Less in tune with myself. That is when I knew that the "dark cloud" as I called it, was about to return. When it did, I was completely to myself. i blended in to the background. people thought I was weird (and it was weird) because I would become so different. I would be CRIPPLED with insecurity. hardly able to speak. it would go on for X amount of time and then sooner or later. I would feel a little better. here and there, and then one day. i would remember myself again! I would be out of my shell, etc. I learned to live with this. All the way up to my sophomore year. I lived in california by this time. I learned to enjoy the times that I was "out" and cope with the times that I went "in". then i discovered partying. it was a way for me to let all of my built up energy out, be confident, outgoing almost all the time. I later realized that i hid behind partying as a way to mask my depression. The insecurity never really went away. So drinking, marijuana, and some others, provided that escape. It wasn't until my friend was murded when I was a senior in high school that i fell apart. all of the walls came down. I could no longer pretend. when you are in such a state of sadness, you are raw. you are pure and exposed. you cant lie to yourself or anyone else. you do not have the energy to put up any walls. i suddenly realized that i was unhappy. not being myself. i had been running away from my hurt and pain. I was hiding it from myself and it showed in my behavior. I was not a shallow person, I did not enjoy hurting other people. Lying. I did all of those things because I was hiding myself. I wanted to be healthy. And so, for the next four years, I worked to end my depression. It wasn't easy. I have finally finished. But now, I feel apathetic. It's like, I don't have the actual "dark cloud" but i'm still "in". I can't come out. it's not like before where I felt COMPLETELY self-alienated. Like I completely fell out of touch with my soul (if that makes sense). I still feel my personality and everything, I just feel no fire. No motivation. I want to socialize but I feel nothing when I am around people. I feel shy when I know I am not. it's like im in a habit of acting this way but i don't feel it anymmore. I don't know how to make it stop. or me stop. i don't do substances anymore, I want to face the truth. I am a VERY energetic person. Full of vigor, aggression and passion. Which is why my depression developed, I have strong emotions. I have spent a great deal of time learning about depression from experience and from reading this book by Nathaniel Brandon called "The disowned self" which is precisely the condition I had. I would feel completely out of touch with myself when I was inflicted with depression. So, I would like some advice. Can anyone relate? any depression survivors? anyone actually make it out the other end.....? I know that depression is mostly something that the victim puts on themselves because they are an unhealthy organism. they're mind doesn't function properly. i learned that and it has helped me to accept responsibility for myself, instead of pitying myself or blaming others. I would really like to start living. I've got a ton of dreams, so much to offer. I want to be a psychologist now and help others live more fullfilling lives.
Last edited by apathystricken3; 04-18-2010 at 10:43 PM.
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