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Old 04-18-2010, 10:37 PM   #1
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apathystricken3 HB User
Exclamation was there ever a recovery......

Hello. I have been without depression for about 4 months. it ended in january. i no longer have the deep dark, withdrawls into my mind. I see everything clearly and I am truly greatful. However, things are not as I thought it would be. I have always believed that I would be cured one day, afterall, it is mostly all in your head. I do not feel the way I thought I would. I will give you a brief history of my depression. When I was in elementary school, I had a ton of energy. confidence. you name it. I was never shy, introverted. I lived in torrance california and the school i went to had alot of diversity. I moved to washington,state for middle school and that is when everything changed. I went through puberty with alot of angst and an extreme amount of negative emotions i never experienced before. not to mention, i lived in a prodominently white region. I was picked on, I felt ugly, out of place. My first year I cried almost everyday after school. I hardly made any friends and I suppose I developed an inferiority complex that has stayed with me ever since (i am now 22). to make matters worse, I never shared how i felt with anyone else. I kept it in. I hid it from the world. I could never speak to my mom about emotional subjects and I noticed at school everyone seemed to only show the "good" emotions. so I thought that I was supposed to keep it to myself. The following year I decided to try harder. I bought cuter clothes. had a little more confidence and I made friends. although, something was still, and would never be the same. I would go in and out of depression! what is that? has anyone heard of that???? Well. I would feel normal. confident, yadda yadda. I would socialize, joke, dress cute. I would almost be too energetic because I would appreciate being out of my shell so much. Then, I would start to feel less energetic. Less in tune with myself. That is when I knew that the "dark cloud" as I called it, was about to return. When it did, I was completely to myself. i blended in to the background. people thought I was weird (and it was weird) because I would become so different. I would be CRIPPLED with insecurity. hardly able to speak. it would go on for X amount of time and then sooner or later. I would feel a little better. here and there, and then one day. i would remember myself again! I would be out of my shell, etc. I learned to live with this. All the way up to my sophomore year. I lived in california by this time. I learned to enjoy the times that I was "out" and cope with the times that I went "in". then i discovered partying. it was a way for me to let all of my built up energy out, be confident, outgoing almost all the time. I later realized that i hid behind partying as a way to mask my depression. The insecurity never really went away. So drinking, marijuana, and some others, provided that escape. It wasn't until my friend was murded when I was a senior in high school that i fell apart. all of the walls came down. I could no longer pretend. when you are in such a state of sadness, you are raw. you are pure and exposed. you cant lie to yourself or anyone else. you do not have the energy to put up any walls. i suddenly realized that i was unhappy. not being myself. i had been running away from my hurt and pain. I was hiding it from myself and it showed in my behavior. I was not a shallow person, I did not enjoy hurting other people. Lying. I did all of those things because I was hiding myself. I wanted to be healthy. And so, for the next four years, I worked to end my depression. It wasn't easy. I have finally finished. But now, I feel apathetic. It's like, I don't have the actual "dark cloud" but i'm still "in". I can't come out. it's not like before where I felt COMPLETELY self-alienated. Like I completely fell out of touch with my soul (if that makes sense). I still feel my personality and everything, I just feel no fire. No motivation. I want to socialize but I feel nothing when I am around people. I feel shy when I know I am not. it's like im in a habit of acting this way but i don't feel it anymmore. I don't know how to make it stop. or me stop. i don't do substances anymore, I want to face the truth. I am a VERY energetic person. Full of vigor, aggression and passion. Which is why my depression developed, I have strong emotions. I have spent a great deal of time learning about depression from experience and from reading this book by Nathaniel Brandon called "The disowned self" which is precisely the condition I had. I would feel completely out of touch with myself when I was inflicted with depression. So, I would like some advice. Can anyone relate? any depression survivors? anyone actually make it out the other end.....? I know that depression is mostly something that the victim puts on themselves because they are an unhealthy organism. they're mind doesn't function properly. i learned that and it has helped me to accept responsibility for myself, instead of pitying myself or blaming others. I would really like to start living. I've got a ton of dreams, so much to offer. I want to be a psychologist now and help others live more fullfilling lives.

Last edited by apathystricken3; 04-18-2010 at 10:43 PM. Reason: some glitches

 
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:10 PM   #2
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Re: was there ever a recovery......

Hi,
I think you have explained a lot of things people who go through clinical depression. So I think you have suffered from clinical depression. The problem with getting depression once is that it never disappears and situations in life make it come back again and again. Its easier to hide your true feelings from others because you dont have to explain yourself to others, make yourself look weird and get nothing. This though isnt always true because there are some people who understand and they have either studied it extensively or they have suffered themselves.

What you can do is explain the very cause or the very event that has made you feel very low. Also I think you are at times trying to break out of your depression cycle but your old habits keep coming back to haunt you and you end up not getting healthier. It happens to me and then I decided to live in a stable way by avoiding some of the things in life that can make me depressed. I think this will cut out any doubt of trying to live a happy life but at least I can control my own emotions most of the time. Hope something similar works for you. Thanks

 
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