Cinderella lied to meÖa dream that you wish WONíT come true no matter what her song says. I donít know what I did to the universe, but I must have really angered it somehow. Everything I have ever wanted seems like it will never happen.
I am going to be stuck working two jobs that I canít stand. I hate having to get up and go to work. I went on this job interview the other day for this amazing job. I would kill for it, but Iím never going to get it because it would make me happy. I donít know why I even bothered wasting my time preparing for it since I will never get it.
I am never going to be independent. I am going to be stuck living in my parentís basement for as long as they have the house. I want to have time to live on my own. I am sick of still have to live underneath my parents.
I am going to be alone for life. I am never going to find anyone to love and spend the rest of my life with. I am not going to be able to enjoy a wedding and babies and everything that comes with them.
I am going to be fat and ugly for life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight, but it just wonít happen. I could probably starve myself and still manage to gain weight.
I am not allowed to have fun. I have made so many plans with people, but they always seem to back out of them the next day. This summer has really sucked.
I know what some of you may be thinkingÖthink positive. I have been trying that for years and now have just plain given up.
I came up with all of this as I was lying awake at 4:00 in the morning. As I cried myself back to sleep after a long time of my mind racing, I realized that I need to tell all of this to someone. I am afraid to say it out loud to someone face to face, so I thought I would try it here.
Thank you for reading. Even if you donít reply it means something to me that you took the time to listen.
I'm not wanting to minimalize your feelings, but the truth is, if the attitude of your life is one of doom and gloom, I feel that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy Attitude is so much in this (hard) life. If you think you won't, if you think it will never happen...chances are, it won't.
Finding what you want out of life doesn't involve "thinking positive" It involves planning and work. The most positive thinker in the world can't do a thing if they don't plan and execute.
Take it one problem at a time and fix what can be fixed the easiest first so you get some self confidence. You feel fat and ugly so try to get some exercise into your day to make you healthier and not necessarily thinner...healthier is better anyhow. If you feel ugly, try some new hairstyles and make-up and ask others how you look, not yourself. You can't trust your own judgment right now.
You live in your parent's basement...so enjoy it and make it your space. My parents were both dead by the time I was 26 so I would have killed to be able to do that. Home is where YOU make it. So make it yours. You won't "always" be "living" under them for they aren't immortal. But it does give you the chance to save money for the place you do want.
You hate your jobs yet you probably sabotaged your job interview for the job you do want with the negative attitude. Sit down with friends and ask for REAL feedback on how you act and take the bad stuff they give you...you need to know how you are perceived so you can fix it. Real friends will tell you when you need to change and as their real friend, you won't hold it against them for telling you the truth. Once you know how you come off to others, you can change it and then go and re-apply for that dream job.
And everyone can have fun if you allow yourself to have it. Even a baby will have fun just looking at it's own toes. You have to figure out what is fun to you and then do it. Fun to me is being alone with my cats, hanging out in my yard and watching all the wildlife that comes to visit....from hummingbirds to black bears. And for real fun, I visit a zoo or an aquarium pr a museum. But then I'm older than you. But I had to figure out what I liked to do by myself(and with others and then do it...and it changes with age).
I've spent the better part of my almost 59 years in therapy because I was abused within an inch of my life as a kid. I now battle major life threatening illnesses. And I'm very happy. And I've worked for every bit of that happiness. I've planned and thought and practiced and done whatever I had to do to get what I wanted and I'm not done. I will be working to find my own happiness until I take my last breath.
I once complained to my shrink that life wasn't fair. And he simply looked at me and said the word "fair" does not apply to life. He explained that we use the word fair to describe a "fair ball" in baseball or a "fair play" in football" or keeping your ball in the "fairway" in golf. "Fair" is a word that is used in games and life is not a game, therefore the word does not apply.
Cinderella is a fairy tale and fair does not apply to life. You get what you work for and that includes happiness. So start planning and trying and you'll get the hang of it slowly but surely and before you know it, you'll be a happy person doing what she wants, having fun with friends and maybe..living where she wants to. But it all takes time and lots of hard work. But it is so worth it!
If it can dig me out of suicidal depressions, it can work for you too. At least you have parents who love you and let you live at home. My mother died when I was 21 and I kid you not, my father sold the house, gave away everything inside including my personal belongings and moved, giving me no forwarding address or phone number. I could only reach him through his secretary. He just disappeared from my life 4 months after her death. Yet I survived and was happy.
braveheart226: I have been thinking positive for years and have gotten nothing out of it. I guess I thought thinking the other way might help. Actually, I was feeling negative around this time last year, and a positive thing happened. One of those jobs that I can't stand was at one time one that I loved. I guess it is not the job that I can't stand it is the person I will be working with. I have never before worked with someone who treats the people she is working with like the dirt underneath her feet and who believes that they are better than them because of her job title. Thiking positive has only turned into disappointment, so maybe thinking negative will help me see the good their is in life.
jennybyc: I have worked and planned my entire life to get what I want, but it hasn't helped. I exercise regularly. I am unable to make my "own space" since I own none of it and that is how my parents think. I DID NOT SABATOGE THAT INTERVIEW!! I think it was one of the best ones that I have had. I did take advice from my friends for that and I think it worked out well. I can make my own happiness, but sometimes it isn't enough.
I know you were just trying to help and trust me I know a little tough love goes along way. I am a big believer in telling the truth. I regret posting what I did; and wish that I had just continued reading the support given throughout the boards.
Hi KD86! I'm very sorry you are feeling as you do but I completely get it. I feel that way often and it takes a lot of work on my part to pull myself out of it. Depression hit me hard over the last week, which snowballs into me hating everything about life. Most days I can control the depression now but every other month I have a bad menstrual cycle (sorry) and I feel like life is over. I can't control it as much as I try. I woke up this morning and feel it passing. Do you see a therapist? Are you on meds? Are there any places that you go to that bring you happiness, even the littlest bit? A beach? Cafe? Book store? I am also a very negative person and have been working for years to change it. I'll be fine for a while then my feet get knocked from under me. I'm working now on "talking to myself" about the good I have, again even the littlest thing. I have to start somewhere. As much as you want to, and believe me I know, don't throw in the towel. When I get to the point of giving up, after going off about everthing I hate, the "why me?" I know I have to get myself back together. I could sit home and give into it all but I force myself somewhere, even if I don't really want to go. Trust me, I do sit home sometimes and have a pity party but I NEED to keep busy. I'm 32 and don't want to live my life alone yet haven't found the right person. I recently deleted my ex, who I waited over a year for, off of a webpage. It was like we broke up all over again. I really thought he was the one. That is a whole other story. I lived in 2 apartments, one was a basement. It's doom and gloom down there. I never thought I'd own my own home and I do, with noone's help. I was very overweight and have lost 50 pounds. What we have to realize is it all takes time and determination, which I think you have. Like me, you are stuck in the quicksand of depression. As much as you want to give in, keep fighting. There has to be happiness out there for us. Look at my name, I'm still fighting.
Thank you Will_I_Be_Happy. I didn't feel worse about myself after reading your post like I did about the previous ones. I can usually control it too until something happens and I spiral into depression.
No therpaist and no meds...I am nervous about both of those so I haven't told anyone but the people on these boards.
I would love to go do things on my own for fun that those people canceled on me, but I made a mention of it and got made fun of for wanting to go alone. Now I don't want to.
Keeping busy has helped. It is only when I have down time that I feel the worst.
Thank you again. I really apprecaite what you said. One day we will both be happy!!
Hello KD. I understand your feelings of gloom. I too get fits of pure moodiness and wish to just be left alone. I have absolutely no friends and no lovers. I actually prefer it that way. I am way too moody to be around and I feel angry most of the time. I too live with my parents. Its the only human connection I have, quite dysfunctional people though. But at least its somebody. I've done the total isolation thing before but found after about 6 months to a year I need some contact.
I just recently quit my job. I was finding that the people I worked around were jerks, liers, and full of attitudes. After 3 years of it, I threw in the towel. I figure if I didn't make a quick change I would lose my sanity. I already have another job lined up. Go to my orientation tommorrow in fact. But I too feel as if I will never be happy. I hold most of my feelings in. Most men do though I guess. Also, no one around me seems to care. They are all wrapped up in their own worlds and lives. Its a miserable existence and its easy to get caught up when your mind is already at a fragile state.
As jennybyc has mentioned, you need to take small steps in your life and then slowly take more steps up. For example, you can make a schedule during the course of a day. Just to simple productive things, like spending one hour outdoors, watching TV for a period of time and so on. It is not much to begin with but if you can achieve this, you can achieve anything you want to achieve over time. By this though I dont mean that you will achieve x number of friends but you can achieve a job you like, being happy with your life and a place of your own.
jennybyc, I think you give very nice advise to people and very uplifting, I think some people including myself in the past wouldnt really think in good detail about what you mentioned because different people have suffered different things and I find that unless the individual has gone through the same things as I have then their advise would not work for me but I think as you mentioned that you need to work and take time to do things, I think this is absolutely the case with everyone. Ever thought about volunteering as a supporting voice!
Will I Be Happy, have you thought about future relationships, on a different thread I have indicated that analysing my situation that relathionships are not right for me but maybe you have a different opinion, if you have thought about it perhaps you can mention what you think in terms of your personal life.
Demian38, Im a little curious did you live for 6 months without talking to any individual? If so were you unemployed as well at the time? Also I think its important to be around people but not let them control your life, ie just get the best out of others.
Keenobserver-I see where you get your username. You are right. I wasn't completely isolated during the 6 months. I was living in Florida at the time with no relatives or friends. Was working but all I had to talk to, really, were my co-workers and customers I serviced. But I never had any hangout folks to just sit and talk with about personal things going on in my life. Was completely isolated in that retrospect. Sure I talked to people but it was always under formal terms and very business orientated. But didn't have anyone to see physically to just share anything with. That was hard. Don't like groups either. I'm better apt with one on one hangouts.
You must know my kind when you said not let others control your life. Thats one of my main problems. I'm always looking out for the other person and put my needs on the back burner. I'm a people pleaser. If it means go againts my own wishes, I'll do it just to not stir waves. As my psychiatrist put it "Your emotions are in the red. Overyone unloads on you from all different directions but you get nothing in return. What about your needs?" I couldn't answer that. Its something I have to work hard on. But thanks Keenobserver, you have great insight!
Sorry everyone for stealing the show on this thread. I'm new and everything is bursting at the seams with me and my emotions. I'll try to curtail.
Well as your psych mentioned your needs, I think you are not entirely sure what your emotional needs are, this though is something most people suffering from depression tend to suffer from as well. Maybe by helping other people with their emotional needs you can understand your own emotional needs which is something I do but it will take time. I think the reason you like one on ones is that you can address specific needs whereas in groups some people go off talking about things which you do not find very interesting. Thanks