Hi everyone. I'm having a REAL bad day. I had to take my daughter to the police station today so she could give a statement (my mom's husband sexually abused her) and I have to go in tommorow and give mine. Sigh. Life is so tough right now. I'm off work which is a blessing because I really couldn't handle it. My bf was behaving like a baby (which he fully admits and apologizes for) yesterday but I am still hurt and upset about it today!
I feel like my depression is running my life, what am I talking about...what life?? I'm not on any meds right now as I'm awaiting my assesment which is happening until the 30th.I seem to be feeling worse and worse as the days go on. To make it worse I get this really bad fear and paranioa(sp?) when I go to bed at night. Life really sucks right now. I'm trying to keep my head up but it's difficult when I don't tell my friends what is going on. My family is lost right now because my mom won't believe my daughter so I want nothing to do with her. I think she is sick for staying with a child molester! It's pretty sad! My daughter thinks it's her fault that her grandmother isn't talking to her...how nice(not).
I know this sounds so negative and I try real hard to keep my chin up but I have been hiding for years and I just have the strength to fight my depression anymore. I don't want to hide...I just want to tell everyone...I'm depressed...so there! If you know what I mean.
Solost, please hang in there baby. I feel really depressed, have no one to take care of or show any love to. I do love my Mother, but that is different. I wish I had somebody to love.
I went to the Doctor today and have to go back again next week to check on medication. No change yet, but no side effects either. This could take eight weeks. I really dislike the amount of time one can put into meds. I guess that is called trying. Please take care of yourself and that little girl. Thanks for writting. K.Bailey alias Kevin Bailey
Hey Solost,
Boy, your between a rock and a hard place. I feel bad for your daughter. I wonder if you have any kind of counseling service locally where she might get some assurances and therapy. It is terrible that her relationship with her grandmother is being negativly effected also. Prehaps in a few days your mother will see your and your daughters situation differently. Anyway, I know you don't need this additional nightmare to add to your health problem.
Just a question...why are you keeping your depression to yourself and not telling your friends. If it was like my reason,(not wanting them to feel sorry for me and thinking that they would not understand) My friends came thru for me when they did find out. Two of them already knew but acted like they did'nt. One finally dragged me to a headdoc's office (she had already made the apt. for me). I tried to stay in the car but she made me go in. She most likely saved my life.
Anyway, as the English say...Keep a stiff upper lip and all that. (I never could figure out how that could possibley help)...
Hi there, thanks for the words. I don't think my mom will come around as it's already been a month since she has known. Oh well, I wasn't that suprised about her. She has always been the stand behind your man type. I just feel so bad for my daughter. I have arranged councelling for my girl with a psychologist; my work plan has pretty good benefits. I was just waiting for her to have her interview with the police before she started the councelling. Aparently, they want the victims to tell the story to the police first.
I am such a private person when it comes to my depression. When I had my first breakdown in April I didn't tell a soul. It was so bad I wasn't able to care for my daughter. I guess, in a way, I'm very embarassed about it. I think my one friend knows but really hasn't said anything. He just lost a friend a few months ago to suicide. I know that he would be understanding as he was a real good friend to Danny(he was scizophrenic,Sp?) He only lasted a year once his illness came on. That's pretty scarey. I'm not suicidal but I worry that some night I will just wake up and I will do something stupid. (Nighttime seems to be the most difficult time for me)
I have been real good at hiding my illness for years...so good I even hid it from myself, actually. I'm tired of fighting it and I'm just hoping to find a solution or something so I can have a normal life. Then again...What's normal? I'm always high or low...can't ever remember an in between time...
There are many faces to mental illness. I hid mine (not so sucessfully) for many years too. I mainly was like you, hiding it from myself. It caused many problems in my life and it was'nt untill a combination of other factors happened in 94 that I became completly dysfunctional. Thats a fancy word meaning I just completely shut down.
If it had not been for a friend I don't know what would have happended but I can tell you it would have been bad.
I know you want to get better, but how you go about finding a key to your illness is going to be difficult. But like any illness or addiciton, the first step is knowing your sick and powerless and must get help from someone or somewhere. Many people never reach that first step, or when they do they for various reasons keep putting off getting help and finding out why their mental health is suffering. It can be like you said, where you are yo-yoing up and down. Or it can be like mine..a hidden and delayed reaction to terrible events and personal loss (PTSD). Or many other variations, some so terrible that they defy description almost to others that are only a bother and almost unnoticed most of the time.
But most won't get better, only worse without some type of intervention. Therapy, meds, or some type of treatment or combination of treatments.
Well, I'm rambling now...My thoughts and concern go out to you and your daughter. Keep in touch with us if you can.
Peace
SoLost,
Is it possible to give a hug over the internet? After reading what you're going through, I can't believe you took the time to answer my message. So I at least wanted to offer a word of support. I don't know your friend, but I bet he/she would be supportive of you if you decide to open up about the depression. And you have this great group here to talk to. Your daughter is so blessed to have a supportive mom. I will remember you both in my prayers tonight.
I'm so sorry for the terrible situation in which you find yourself and your daughter. It's wonderful that you and she have such a strong relationship. It occurs to me that many girls would keep such a violation to themselves. You must be a very special person to have gained her trust in this way. I know what it's like to feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless. But I hope you can see the major difference you are making in her life - just by being there for her - and if you can acknowledge that then you must see what a valuable person you really are.
Hi everyone and thank you so much for your words and support. Coming to the message boards is really getting me through these rough days...not to mention all the appointments!
I am very glad my daughter trusted enough to come forward; it had only been going on for a little over a month. Things could have been much, much worse. I think, perhaps, someday she may suffer from PTSD as she seems unaffected right now; her only pain being that she doesn't see her grandmother anymore. By her grandmother's choice that is. I hope my mom will come around before it's too late.
I know that I need some medication to help this but I have been in denial for awhile now. Now I just hope I can find a good "combination" in a reasonable amount of time without suffering too much from the side affects. I've been doing a lot of reading and I figure, when I see the pdoc, I would like to try wellbutrin and topomax to control my disorder. From what I have heard about wellbutrin the main complaint is irratibility and insomnia. Well, I haven't slept good in years (except when I was on a "high" then I slept like a bear for 4 or 5 hours then was ready to go)As for the irratibility, my bf's response "Crusty? You?". I'm always irratable now...actually I always have been. My friends call me "bitter" jokingly of course... :0)
Hey TrickyDick, I was watching Ripley's this morning and they had a story about a kitten who was chased up a tree and has been living in it for the passed 3 years. He's never came down once! Think he's a good canditate for a PTSD diagnosis?? LOL :0) Made me think that us humans aren't the only creatures on earth that suffer from mental illness. I've even heard there are pdocs for animals! One of my cats went through this time, after he hurt his back jumping off the fridge, where he would pull all his fur out. He has bald from his shoulders down. And I mean BALD! He lost a lot of weight and started behaving like a kitten again. Perhaps I have a bipolar cat on my hands??
As a child, I was a victim of sexual abuse. My parents did not acknowledge or offer any emotional support AT ALL. Because of that, the perpetrator victimized the rest of my siblings. Years later, they finally told him that he was not welcome in our home.
The perpetrator denys ALL of the incidents. He is my mother's brother. Since this all came out, Grandma is very angry that we would accuse her son (the perpetrator) of such things. Very interesting.
I have spent many years working through this. Counselors and support from friends of similar circumstances have helped.
I really admire you for the support that you have shown your daughter. The fact that she has had one very loving and responsible adult in her life to trust in will make all the difference in the world to her. Now, these things can be worked through and put in there proper place so she can handle life in a healthy way. I am happy that she has you in her life. God bless you for what you have done for her.
I can certainly understand the pain you must have felt about your daughter. So many times we want to protect our children and bad things happen anyway and it leaves us feeling depressed and helpless. I am glad your daughter came to you about all this. If your mom does not believe this, maybe it is better off. Her denial can only cause you more pain. I do hope that she comes around for the sake of you and your daughter. About your illness, it sounds like you are on the right track already and looking into the appropriate meds. I became very depressed over a death of a close relative and felt many of the feelings that you described. Some people are just prone to chemical imbalances and then bad circustances cause this imbalance to activate and not shut down like people who don't have this problem are able to do. It is a fright and flight feeling or better know as anxiety disorder. At least that is what I have. Mine usually surfaces around 6p.m. I used to call it the witching hour. My Dr. referred me to a phsycologist who had a similar problem (after many attempts to perscribe some anti depressants). I was skeptical at first but this person told him to put me on prozac (one of the older drugs) and ativan for the anxiety. I have heard that paxil is pretty good too, but keep in mind these are just suggestions. The ativan is my miricle drug for when things get really bad but it still lets me function as a normal person. It just takes off that awful edge. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I want to be there for my daughter in ways that my mother wasn't there for me. I think my mom would have liked to just "sweep this under the rug" like so many other things that happen in our family. Nobody really talks about anything they just kind of ignore things like they never happened. I guess, in a way, I'm the black sheep because I won't participate in this. It's just not healthy! I'm fighting so hard to get the help I need so I can be there for my daughter but unfortuantely is hasn't been easy and I have been considering hospitalization becuase no one is taking this seriously because I haven't been suicidal. I have to live with the thought, if I am hospitalized, who will care for my daughter? My boyfriend is willing but there are so many legal issues involved because there is both a biological and psycological father who want access to my daughter and are just waiting for me to mess up. Unfortuantely, the psychological father is a career criminal and has taken pride in teaching her "the way" so to speak. My daughter doesn't even know about the existance of the biological father. He's heavily into drugs so he isn't an option either. My family is out.
Through all this I realize I am the only responsible adult in my child's life, with the exception of my bf. I need to stay strong but every day I feel like I am losing the battle. I just don't know what to do.
