I apoligise if this is really long, but I really don't have anyone to vent like this to.
Eventhough I've never been to a doctor about this, I'm pretty sure I could be classified as being clinically depressed. Sometimes I think it's just because I'm a pretty anxious person though.
Background: Early 20s,female,pleasently plump(yeah, let's call it that),living at home, love my family but they're hard to live with (I think they're draining me), going to school (HATE HATE HATE IT), no really close friends (have never been able to keep friends for more than a year or so)
Most days I don't want to even wake up. It's hard to describe my mood though. I feel generally blase, like I can't even be bothered to do anything and don't feel passionate about anything. I can feel happy, but those feelings don't even last long. Like I finally got enough money to buy a car (this was something I REALLY WANTED for a long time) but I felt good for maybe a day, and then it was back to the usual mood. I feel like I'm always on the edge of raging or having a crying fit.
Lately too, whenever I get in an argument, I start breathing really fast and need to breathe deeply just to get some oxygen in.
I worry a lot too. Some are legitimate concerns and some are created. I'll be obsessed with something (lately a nose job and moving out) and pace for weeks thinking about it, planning how to do it... But then, it either happens or doesn't and I don't really care afterwards.
The Question (finally): Is this depression or am I just like this? I mean, it seems like everyone is just walking around swimming in their own seas of frustration. You know, this chronic tension that everyone has? Isn't everyone like this? It's not just the holidays either. I've been like this for years. Living day to day, constantly being down, feeling inadequate and worthless...just ask around, walk the streets...everyone seems to be suffering from this constant feeling of being unsatisfied. Or is it just me???
Yes,it sounds to me like you are depressed. Not wanting to get out of bed is one that I have and I worry about everything to the point I make myself sick. I'm diagnosed with some form of depression, they are not sure what kind yet. So I would say yes you are depressed and you should go to your doc and tell him about it. They can help you by giving you some medication. It's not a quick fix but it does help. Good luck and hang in there.
One more thing to throw in (might as well).
I've started talking really loudly lately. Isn't that weird? This is totally uncharacteristic for me, since I'm quiet and don't really like to draw attention to myself. But there I am, bellowing out something in class. I just hate it when the person I'm talking to doesn't seem to be listening and I guess I just talk louder so they have to listen. Really, this is getting sooooo lame.
Well it seems you are depressed. Yea,a doc and some pills would be a good start, but in the long run your going to have to set yourself down and have some serious conversations with you and and determine what in your life is important to you and what is'nt . Sometimes we go through life and slowly pick up stuff, attitudes, stresses, discontentments, dislikes..you get the picture. We gather these things to our breast and put them in our sack to carry with us. And they become a part of us, weighing us down, dragging our strenght out of us, draining our spirit. At some point, actually at several points in our lives we have to sit down and sort through and discard some of this load we have accumulated. If we don't it can make our lives miserable and shortcircuit our hopes, aspirations and color the way we love life or even love ourselves.
You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must then learn to love and help others just as easily as you want people to love and help you.
Here is a poem that I have collected..It is unknown who wrote it as far as I know. I think it is appropriate for everyone no matter if they are religious or not.
A Gold Box and A Black Box
I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
both my joys and sorrows I store.
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why.
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."
He smiled a gentle smile at me.
"My child, they're all here with me."
I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your
blessings, the black is for you to let go."
I just read your post and you sound exactly like me. I'm 41 now and much better but when I was in my mid 20's, I would go to work every day and I (hated it, hated it, hated it).
I hated waking up in the morning, I didn't look forward to the day, in fact, I dreaded the day. As far as the being pleasantly plump I didn't have that problem but I had a problem with hormonal acne that wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. (We women have a lot of pressure on us to look perfect). I was always getting my feelings hurt by someone. I was extremely sensitive to criticism. I just didn't seem to care about much. I had absolutely no enthusiasm for life. Nothing interested me ----- I just wanted the heck out of my own skin! I remember the only thing that brought me joy was my beautiful black cat. Other than that, life was just something to be endured.
For years I beat myself up for being this way. I hated myself, why was I such an awful, miserable, person? What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy? Am I just an ungrateful person? Why don't I have any ambition or interest? Am I just lazy?
The answer is NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
( I'M NOT A BAD PERSON TRYING TO GET GOOD, I'M A SICK PERSON TRYING TO GET WELL)
This is what this thing called depression does to a person. I rips you up from the inside out. It's so painful!!!!!!!!!!
I made myself tell a doctor about how I was feeling. I was scared but I did it anyway. He put me on prozac 20mgs. per day and 6 weeks later the sun was shining. I'm not kidding you, it was a complete transformation for me.
This is my experience and everyone has different experiences when it comes to meds, therapy etc....
Bottom line ------ Please get some help for yourself, life will move swiftly by and before you know it you'll be wondering where the last 10 years went.
ps. Once the depression started to lift I found I wasn't trying to medicate myself with excess food, alcohol etc.....
I hope this has helped you some,
Please let me know how you're doing, OK?
[This message has been edited by Olivia (edited 12-20-2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Olivia (edited 12-20-2000).]