how is everyone...hopefully better than i am. I can't do this anymore. I hate being home. I love my family to death and can't picture my life without them but i just can't do it. The constant bickering and complaining...and arguments. I just want to leave everything i know and go somewhere and be someone different. I hate work. I like some of the people i work with but i know i don't want to work in this district..i can't stand it. I hate walking in the door in the morning and putting on a fake smile like i love it. It takes too much energy. I am always afraid that there is going to be a huge fight at home. I can't watch my mom be miserable anymore. My dad complains all the time. I am terrified my 27 year old brother is experimenting with drugs and is sleeping around. This is too much for me. I can't do it. I feel so trapped. I feel my family is the reason i can't live my life. I feel they are the reason i won't let people in...don't want them to see. I broke down last night to my best friend who was just crushed by her boyfriend (ex now).we sat on the phone bawling to each other. I want another life, i just want everyone to go away and stop the complaining and bickering. I want my own classroom in a good district. I want love...i want to live my life. How can i set myself free???????????? I hate waking up in the morning. I am constantly tired...no energy. It 's pathetic! This life is pathetic!
I'm not ready to share lots of specifics about my situation, but I can identify with several things in your post - especially to feeling trapped and feeling like I can't keep on. I've contemplated leaving family behind and disappearing alone into a new city. I've actually got a small bag packed and some money set aside if I ever get to that point. I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. Have you considered either of those or both? It has been helpful for me.
thanks for replying. I am currently going back to my therapist and i am on prozac. Things just keep building up. I recently decided to go back to therapy and i should be taking the meds on a constant basis but somehow i am not. Hopefully things will fall into place some day in my life. All i know is i can't take this anymore.
Hey, I wish I could make things better for you. I don't know what to say other than You're not alone - and please post anytime you want to talk.
I'm just starting back to therapy too. My counselor moved to a new location in November and at my last appt. we couldn't set up a new one until she got to her new place. I just sort of let the time pass and never called to set it up...and now I find myself in a worse condition. I never was sure it was helping - but I guess it was. I'm a little better now, but within the last couple of weeks I almost quit my job and was having suicidal thoughts. I did set up a counseling appt. today so I am going back on Jan. 31. I may also start some counseling with my pastor.
Sometimes family and family problems can be overpowering. I sometimes think that is the main reason kids move out is to get away from the problems there.
When someone is having their own problems sometimes family can help but not always. I am sorry for those people. I know that I was not really a good dad and parent to my children untill the last few years. That is a terrible admission to make but it is true.
I hope things work out, take it one day at a time.
Peace
I can relate to a bad district! I taught special needs children. The district was/is impossible to work with. No support.
They have forgotten the reason they are there.
I felt the same way as you do. I dreaded going in everyday.
So..., I decided that I needed to TAKE CARE OF ME!!!! and I was more important than the job at this point.
For the last 3 years I have ran the family business. However, I miss teaching and feel that I am ready to return. I think I have found a few districts that support it's teachers.
I am also in the process of changing my living situation. It does not work for me at all. As much as I hate to admit it, I need to leave. I need my home to be a santuary not a battle zone. A place where I can "fill my bucket".
Please decide what is important for you at this time. Determine what you may need to change so that you can feel peace once again. Be proactive. Develop a few possibilities for yourself and choose the one that will work the best.
Don't wait until something happens and be reactive. That creates more problems believe me.
You may not think so but, you have the power to regain peace and happiness in your life. My prayers are with you.
By the way, Utah has a shortage of teachers!!! Big time. I've heard that Davis and Utah Counties seem to have good districts. Go for it Girl!!! <p>[This message has been edited by Hollyberry (edited 01-17-2001).]
I wanted to thank everyone for responding. I am not in a financial situation to leave home. What is happening doesn't involve me but everyone else involves me. I say not to involve me but i can't help feeling guilty for not trying to save the situation. I always feel i have to fix things.
I just updated my resume. I was certified last may and the jobs here are really difficult to get. I am in a public district now but i can't stand it. I also work in special ed and we are treated so poorly. Meanwhile, if it weren't for us, half of the special ed students would be completely lost. Once i officially update my resume, i am going to have to start sending out again. This is so frustrating. I just want everything in place.
Well i have to go to the hell hole and put on that fake smile and act like i love it there. Then i have school until 8:30. If i am already tired, i can tell this day is going to be horrible.
Thanks for listening.
Jenn, just wanted to say, that im the mom of a special needs child, he's 14 now, and if it werent for the people like you, who've worked with him, supported him, and come to love him, i dont think that he would be as beautiful as he is today! Those that have chosen to work in an obviously frustrating field, truly have a wonderful soul.. And its very easy to lose sight of that...i know, i've been battling my own demons for a very long time now. But i've come to realize that ther is a reason and a purpose for everything that happens in our lives...like a test, whether you pass or fail is entirely up to you. I tell my son everyday, that there is something good in everything, it just takes alot of heart to find it sometimes, and understand that no matter how bad you think your life is....someone out there has it worse. I hope you find the good in what is going on in your life, giving up just means that theres one less reason anyone else should hang on. Take care,"g"
"g"
thank you so very much for your response. I have always wanted to be a teacher. Many districts don't exactly realize the value of teaching assistants. Sometimes they do more than the regular classroom teacher. I love teaching. I am ceritified but need experience before i am given my own classroom. I took up special ed because now a days the "special needs child" is no longer hidden like he/she used to be. They are found in our everyday classrooms due to mainstreaming and inclusion. I took up special ed so i can relate more with the child and understand their disabilities or condition. I do want my own classroom with the twenty something students. Right now i am "paying my dues" as they say, and i can't stand it. "i am human people." i feel like a slave sometimes. I try everyday to be in a good mood. I try to change my attitude about this particular experience. Nothing is changing. I just have to keep telling myself that things will get better. I have to thank you for really making me feel like this is all worth it again. I was beginning to lose my faith in teaching because i am just starting and it is hard. I am not expecting it to be easy, i just want to feel people appreciate me. Thank you for making me see that someone does.
Jenn,
You are a very special person and we need people like you in the world. Please do not give up. I did notice something very important in your post. You take Prozac sporadically. It is vital to you not to skip doses, and to check with your doc or pdoc to see that you are on the proper dose. If your insurance assists you, a little therapy where you can vent and discuss, and plan may help you tremendously, along with proper medication management. You need support. Please hang in there.
