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Old 01-22-2001, 09:06 PM   #1
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melody HB User
Losing yourself

I read Mich's (michelle) response to one of the posts and some of the comments really struck a chord with me. I've walked on eggshells in my marriage and modified nearly everything about myself to keep the peace, not rock the boat, etc. Just for an example of why: my husband had (or has?) a list of people he wants to kill before he dies. Once I asked if I was on it...His response was: "No, you haven't ****** me off..YET.

I can't even figure out what I like anymore, what I want, etc. Once you've lost yourself, how long does it take to find yourself again??

An update: I'm actually doing a little better and am holding off - for now - on the leave of absence idea. I'm not feeling so desperate and I'll start counseling again on the 31st.

One more question: what is talk therapy??

 
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Old 01-22-2001, 10:13 PM   #2
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TrickyDick HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Hey Melody,

"talk therapy" means the same as psychoanalysis except it is easier to type and I don't have to figure out how to spell it.

I would be (personally) a little worried if my spouse had a "kill list" but then it might just be because I am afraid of guns and death.

Hope you continue to improve. If you find yourself will you be like I was and not like what you found? I have spent over a year trying to forgive myself or trying to find out HOW TO forgive myself just like Christine is too.

If you have just lost your way, maybe you need to try and figure out what has happened or not happened that got you lost. Are changes in your life going to be the only way to "find" yourself? Or is just a change of attitude that is needed? Both are hard sometimes.
Peace

 
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Old 01-23-2001, 05:17 AM   #3
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melody HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Thanks for the reply TD. I know I relayed the "kill list" matter of factly - but yes it worries me. That was earlier in our marriage and some things have changed in his life that take him out of situations/people that anger him so I haven't heard him talk about it for several years. He had a minimal amount of counseling during the time he was really discussing killing people. They advised him to remove all the guns from the "home environment". Never happened though. It does seem that his life changes (health condition with an avg. 5 year survival rate - he's 2 1/2 years so far) have given him a little different perspective. But even though he's some better, it's hard to undo the effect on me.

 
Old 01-23-2001, 12:52 PM   #4
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada
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SoLost HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Wow! Your husband scares the crap outta me! My ex had a list like that, he even had a few plots. I hope your hubby isn't like my ex. He terrorized me psychologically and didn't feel guilty doing it since he wasn't actually hitting me, go figure! I live every day in fear wondering if he has a plan for me. He has already threatned to kill my mew bf. He also threatened to "level the house" what ever that is supposed to mean. My ex was truly psyco. In the summer, my daughter came out of her room to find him standing in our dinning room. He fled of course. I was so scared I almost peed my pants!

As for finding yourself. What if you haven't a clue who in the he#@ you are to begin with? I don't think I have a concept of who I am at all. I keep wishing someday I will "find myself" but as TD suggested maybe I won't like who I find. I do hope that I will someday find the strength to be the person I want to be: happy, healthy, employed (that's a big one right now), married, good friends, ect... So that is what I think the key is...not really finding yourself but being the person you would like to be...someone who you will admire.

Take care,
Angie

 
Old 01-23-2001, 07:45 PM   #5
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melody HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Angie, I think we(and my husband and your ex) have quite a bit in common. I can relate to much of what you said.

I actually am getting a little nervous about this board because my husband is a net surfer too...and I don't feel free to express myself completely. And that is kind of depressing because I wanted this to be an outlet.

It's amazing how tender he is to animals. There really is a good heart there, but he's had a bunch of crap to deal with in his life too. He did go to therapy for a while. I ended up going to the same therapist and it has been helpful because she understands that I am not exagerating or imagining the potential for violence.

He had a serious heart attack 2 1/2 years ago and had enough damage that he is expected to need a transplant in the future. He's not bad enough to be on the list yet. This has brought about a lot of change for both of us. He's on disability retirement and doesn't have much chance to get upset with other people (except on the road!). (I'm very good at walking on eggshells.) He's developed a hobby and some healthy friendships. He doesn't threaten to kill people (except on the road) but he does talk about suicide once in a while because of his health condition being so miserable at times.

Funny thing is, regardless of how messed up he is and how much this has impacted me, I love him and want to stay married. So, my therapy goals are geared towards finding ways to STOP walking on eggshells, learn to deal with the built up anger, learn to deal with the health situation, etc.

Thanks for listening!

Note to senior members: Several of you have mentioned how big the board is getting and that it's hard to keep up with those of you who've been together a long time. I can understand that, but I'd like to thank you for allowing the new members in so graciously and being so good to answer posts. We need you and I hope you don't decide to desert to a more limited group. Thanks again for expanding your on-line family to include us newer members.
<p>[This message has been edited by melody (edited 01-23-2001).]

 
Old 01-24-2001, 10:19 AM   #6
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada
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SoLost HB User
Re: Losing yourself

I know what it's like to want to stay even though there's so much crap. It almost seemed the worse my ex treated me the more I loved him and wanted to hang on our relationship. I look back on the 7 years I spent with him and don't even remember a time when I was truly happy. I lived my life in fear not really knowing who was laying next to me. I always felt my worst enemy was laying right next to me and as long as he was there I would have more of a chance to live. Now that he is gone I have found a new man, Shawn, who I met at my lawyers office when I had some issues with the separation. He was the secretary. We started out as friends and a relationship developed. I never thought I could find a kind, loving man but I did. I spent the last 10 years of my life with abusive men. One even tried to push me down the stairs when I was 7.5 months pregnant and I still stayed with him! I've know I was sick for a long time but never had the courage to get help. I never had any support in my life from anyone...not even family. It feels so good to have a relationship without fear and hurt.

It's hard to love a man who is cruel. You said he has hobbies and friends now and is treating you better, would he consider going to therapy with you? Tell him you want to work on your relationship. I don't know if you will ever get to the point where you won't have to "walk on eggshells" in the presence of your husband because my ex is gone and I STILL walk on those eggshells! If you insist on staying in your relationship just be careful. That's all you can really do. Take care of yourself and make yourself happy too. If you feel good about you then you can heal what's inside of you. Your husband probably should have some therapy because of his health anyhow; it must be a difficult situation for him. Just don't lose yourself anymore in your relationship. Try to stay happy.

Take care,
Angie
P.S. I don't think you have to worry to much about your husband casually finding this place. I don't even remember how I found it!
Boy am I glad I did!!

 
Old 01-24-2001, 03:37 PM   #7
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Location: Addison, Texas, USA
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K.Bailey HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Hi Melody, I would definitely go for the therapy idea to inquire about not only you, but your husband. He sounds like he may have a screw loose talking about who he'd want to knock off before he dies. Does he scare you alot or even any. You know the man so you wil have to be the judge. I am glad you're keeping your mind. Talk back if you need. Kevin

 
Old 01-24-2001, 04:54 PM   #8
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Mich HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Hi Melody,
I see we have something in common...walking on eggshells. Well it's time to assert ourselves and stick to our morals. I have my firm beliefs. and so do you. Just because we got married doesn't mean we have to give them up...I'm not changing for anyone, and neither shoud you!

I do want to keep the harmony here, but not at the expense of how I feel...his perception of life is not mine.

 
Old 01-24-2001, 06:10 PM   #9
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Join Date: Jan 2001
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melody HB User
Re: Losing yourself

Well, I had a big long reply typed with thanks for your replies, answers to questions and comments on your comments but my computer locked up and I managed to lose it all. I don't have the energy to do it again, so let me just say thanks for the replies. I'll be in touch.

 
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