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Old 01-12-2001, 04:12 PM   #1
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noyse HB User
I can't take it!

I don't know what to do. I have no motivation to do anything! I snap at the littlest things. I feel sorry for my family I just don't know exactly what to do. About a year ago during an annual exam I told my doctor how I felt. I often think maybe it would be better if I wasn't here..I don't think that I could actually do anything but I often think about just running off the road into a big tree just to put an end to my thoughts. I feel people don't like me. I always feel great when I first meet people but once I've know them for a few weeks....I feel like they're talking about me and start to exclude me...or am I doing it to myself. I rationalize everything...so if I have a mind that does that am I depressed or just crazy. I don't feel like getting out of bed, cleaning the house. I just find myself sitting around. I'm about ready to drive my family crazy. When I seen the Dr. a year ago...well actually it's been 2 years. She gave me a questionaire to fill out then gave me some meds. I told my husband about it....if felt so stupid. Plus we are in the Military so that would have ment that I would had been put on the exceptional family member program, which can hinder assignments.(to be sure there are good medical facilities nereby.) So...i went of the meds without talking to the doctor and swore up and down I was ok. But I'm not.......but is a pill the answer or couseling. Help..I'm lost....I tried to call the doctor today but no one was in since there is a holiday on Monday....know I fear I won't call again. It took me all day....looking at the phone...thinking about what I was going to say when they asked why I needed a dr. appt. Help me......

 
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Old 01-13-2001, 04:27 AM   #2
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jade0605 HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Hi there,
The hardest thing is to admite that there is a problem. Please phone the doctor again. For me that was the worst part, going to see my doc and saying how I felt. I actually wrote him a letter because i knew that I would either forget things or not tell him everything. With a letter you can take your time and get everything out. I have been lucky my doc is great and a friend. But please get some help, and we are here to talk to you and help if we can.
Take care
Jade

 
Old 01-16-2001, 01:47 PM   #3
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Re: I can't take it!

Thank you Jada! I just feel so confused and don't feel I have anyone to turn to. I'm ashamed for the way I feel....like I'll be letting down my husband. Each night I go over a conversation in my head, you know the things I would like to tell my husband about how I feel. I'm just afraid he'll look at me differently....like I'm weak, or I should just be able to snap out of it. With the doctor...I don't know....what will he think of me? Is there some sort of concrete test for depression or they just going on what you say.....maybe if they had some sort of test my husband would see I can't help it and I'm not going to snap out of this. Heaven knows I wish I could.....and some moments durning the day I can...but I come crashing down again... Is this normal for you or others.....having brief moments, where you feel you know what I am ok??

 
Old 01-16-2001, 02:30 PM   #4
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Will I Be Happy HB UserWill I Be Happy HB UserWill I Be Happy HB UserWill I Be Happy HB UserWill I Be Happy HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Hello,

even though i am not in your shoes, i relate to how you are feeling. I went to a social worker for about 2 years. I stopped because things were going really well and i figured a lot out. Now there are things going on in my family and i feel trapped in myself and in my house. It was so hard, and i cried hysterically because i failed, but i called the therapist and made an appointment. I will see him again next monday. I know it is scary but the best thing to do is call your doctor back. Don't be ashamed of how you feel. Hopefully your family will be behind you. Do this for yourself.
As for the not wanting to be here anymore business. I went through that a lot a few years ago and go through it now and then but when i really get desperate something clicks and i tell myself "there has to be hope." i wrote a poem in my first year of college about suicide. I never finished that poem. If i did, i wouldn't be here right now. Something told me not to finish it. Maybe an angel..i don't know. If you have those thoughts in your mind...call you doctor. You are seeing the problem...now you have to take the next step in the right direction.

 
Old 01-19-2001, 05:21 PM   #5
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jojo91 HB User
Re: I can't take it!

I know exactly how you feel.I went to the doctor for the first time about this in Sept. and i was terrified he was going to look at me weird and wonder why i didn't go to a shrink instead of him but it wasn't like that.Yes i broke down and cried and could barely talk but he understood everything and gave me a prescription for prozac.I am doing much better now and i did feel exactly how you do.I thought my family would be better off without me because i was so irritable and miserable to be around and now my husband notices a big change,and as for my kids i started doing more with them like taking them to the park instead of having them watch t.v. while i slept.

 
Old 01-19-2001, 07:00 PM   #6
 
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Trisha2 HB User
Re: I can't take it!

I can relate to what you're feeling. I can be really up one day and the next I can ready to cash in the chips. Sometimes I feel there's no way out and that the world and my loved ones would be better off if I wasn't around. I, too, can't imagine ever taking steps in that direction, but even having those thoughts terrifies me. My husband is very supportive about it, even though I think I scare him sometimes with those highs and lows. When I first approached my Dr. about feeling depressed he said he didn't think I was.(?) After several visits he put me on anti-depressants which did help quite a bit, but my biggest problem now is lack of rest. I can't seem to sleep well and I always feel tired. The doc says he thinks that's all related to the depression. I'm about to start my 3rd anti-depressant and am hoping I'll eventually find one that works well for me. Everybody is so different and reacts so differently to meds. Whatever you do, try to remember that things CAN get better, and there is hope. Sometimes I guess the trek to get there is just long and tedious. Don't be afraid to talk to the doctor. She or he won't think less of you, and if you feel they do, try someone different. A friend reminded me today that not all doctors and patients mesh personality-wise. I hope your husband is supportive of you - is he?

 
Old 01-20-2001, 12:43 AM   #7
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clouds HB User
Re: I can't take it!

if you tell them you think people are talking about you they may think you are schiozophrenic,, thats waht they tell me. sometimes i wonder if some of the depressed look down on the sczoids as the bottom rung ,

 
Old 01-20-2001, 06:51 PM   #8
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Mich HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Depression is anger turned inward. That's what I'm starting to believe. Now when I'm depressed, I try to think about what is REALLY bothering me. You MUST start expressing your feelings, no matter what the outcome...things seem to fall into place after you do. Sometimes people learn to accept you and the way you act as reliable, and certain. But as we grow older our priorities change and so do our beliefs. You have to accept this and learn to express yourself no matter what. You can't be concerned about what others think right now...your soul wants to grow and change.

ALWAYS be yourself and true to what you are feeling and things will work out. I think it's when you pretend to be content and hold back what you are feeling...problems are sure to arise. Go with your heart.

 
Old 01-21-2001, 03:59 PM   #9
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noyse HB User
Re: I can't take it!

First let me say...I'm very glad to hear all your replies. Strangly enough I didn't think I would get many and am pleasantly surprised.
To JoJo....I don't know if my Husband is supportive. A few years ago I went to a Dr. was put on a anti-depressant, without discussing it with my husband first, and after he found out he really didn't say much either way. Nevertheless, I felt somehow he didn't understand and I really needed him to give some sort of reaction. It wasn't until we were getting ready to move he pressured me to convince another Dr. I was fine. We are in the Military so..if I am depressed I would be placed on the exceptional family member program, which my husband feels will hinder his future assignments. So I did just that went off the meds and just live the battle waging in my mind and body daily, but i'm not winning by no means!
I think along with depression I must have some anxiety. I guess that's why I'm always concerned if people are talking about me...I just don't feel like there is one person in this whole entire world who truly likes me. Other people just seem to fit in so easliy but for myself it never happens...I feel shut out and isolated. I get scared easy and I'm always thinking about the worst scenrio possible. I just know with my luck something bad is going to happen. I can work myself up to where I can't breathe just walking from my car to the door.
Here's a question--should I see a Dr first or some sort of counseling first? I know when I was on the meds for the short period of time(1 month) 2 years ago. I noticed a remarkable difference. I felt like I clicked with people....my husband was amazed with our house, he didn't have to help out at all(pretty much now he carries the load, if you know what I mean)I had so much energy it never ran out. I just find it hard to believe that meds can make that big of a chance or is it all just one big head game???

I'm glad I found these boards....this feels like the light at the end of my tunnel!

 
Old 01-21-2001, 04:05 PM   #10
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noyse HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Mich...I re-read your post. It really has my mind running. Sometimes I don't now what I feel....I hope someone can understand. For years, I mean YEARS, I really don't know if I feel anything. I remember crying on my wedding day...and my husband asked "are you crying because your happy or sad". I didn't know....I told him what I figured he wanted to hear. I feel like I'm gonna go out on a limb here by saying this....but I look at all the people in my family...I just don't know if I do love....I feel totally blank inside....but how do I express that! Surely it will be taken the wrong way......Do you know what I mean. I want my husband...I'm sure I must love him...but can anyone understand the numbness.......I'm hollow inside. I hope I'm making some sort of sense......

 
Old 01-21-2001, 04:39 PM   #11
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K.Bailey HB User
Re: I can't take it!

noyse, I feel the same way at least I can sit here and type it that way. I am 43 and never married. Too Disfunctional to do anything. I live in a lot of fear. It to me is fear that people don't understand. I feel numb and empty inside. I have nobody, not even any true friends. Because I can't get interacting with people. I feel mindless. I feel like I have something unique that even psychiatrists wouldn't understand. They are a start as well as medication. I have tried over 15-16 meds. We are even taking a different path other than anti-depressants beacuse I have tried almost all. Does your husband show his support and your children? Of course I don't know their ages. Hope they are doing fine and doing their part at keeping you happy. Write back noyse and tell us what has been happening.Kevin

 
Old 01-21-2001, 06:31 PM   #12
 
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SoLost HB User
Re: I can't take it!

I feel so bad when I read about women like you who have husbands who refuse to support them. Your health should be of the most importace to your hubby whether it limits his assignments or not. What you are suffering from is an illness. If you had cancer would he feel the same way? Would he have you live in a location that couldn't provide adequate health care?

From what you said you did very well on medication and it made a change for the good in you and your husband enjoyed the change. Would he rather see you sick then being able to have a normal, healthy life?

I would say take the meds behind his back if you have to. This wouldn't be my first suggestion as I believe in honesty and truth.You need to look after yourself and maybe if you have meds and some good therapy you may make some necessary decisions about your relationship. Is it healthy? Are you really happy? I think you could benefit from both councelling and meds. From what you mentioned in your post there is likely a biological aspect of your illness and you need meds. Take care of yourself please.
Angie

 
Old 01-22-2001, 01:02 PM   #13
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Mich HB User
Re: I can't take it!

I'm glad you liked my post, I sometimes have to remind myself that that's the way to live. We all get so caught up in what we "should be doing". I was thinking about you today, and you remind me of myself...embarrassed of admitting there's a problem, thinking I'm just thinking too much and I'm creating my own stress, or why do I have to analyze everything to death.

I'm finding out that I feel better when I just be my self and try to stop caring about what others think of me...we'll never please everyone!! Take this time to help yourself, no matter what you have to do, and do not be embarrassed by it. If you stay on the road you're on now by hiding your true feelings, they will surface one way or another.

I know you feel guilty about not feeling much love for your family, but I think that's because right now you don't love and accept yourself enough. When I'm depressed, I withdraw too. I think when you don't have a solid base, everything around you seems meaningless.

I was very nervous and shaky on my wedding day, almost in shock. I remember feeling a sense of loss, loss of my freedom. I too, went through the "good wife" role and getting depressed because I thought this just wasn't for me. But I'm slowly finding out that it's just a title and I'm still an individual with my own identity. I stopped doing things that I enjoyed because my husband wasn't into them, I even started eating just like him, and gained weight. I found myself acting in a certain way to keep the harmony. All of this stifled my soul and being anxious and depressed all the time was the outcome. I walked around saying "I'm so depressed and tired all the time, and I don't know why".

Until it dawned on me, I'm not being myself, I'm putting everyone else's needs before mine. Just lately, I've started asserting myself and being more independent...I'm not just a "wife" I'm a person and I'm going to be and do whatever makes ME happy! You have to start thinking about what's really important to you and surround yourself with it. Maybe you and your husband have just grown apart so don't blame yourself for it...everybody goes through changes, nothing is written in stone, some marriages don't work out, but the one thing you CAN rely on is yourself, so love and accept yourself, and if you feel you need help, don't put it off...it's time to start buiding yourself up again and find your smile.

Take care!!!
Michelle

 
Old 01-23-2001, 06:55 PM   #14
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CINDERELLA HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Hi, surely you husband must know there is something up with you? Or maybe it has been coming on slowly over a few years. My husband is a great guy but I feel he doesnt really understand my depression either, he doesnt really like me looking this site up as often as I do. My mother knew I was on meds and I told her it was depression and that was the last we ever talked about it. However, my sister had a major breakdown some years ago and no-one could ignore that. My mum had to change work hours and I took in her youngest child. She took months to come right, I feel that unless you are completely lala people tend to ignore it. I tried St Johns Wort for 2 months and it did help my mood but it didnt really help the tiredness. I am now taking Paxil and am more alert and able to pull my weight around the place. Good luck.

 
Old 01-24-2001, 05:29 AM   #15
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noyse HB User
Re: I can't take it!

Wrong button I guess....

Yes....my husband realizes something is not right. I seem to have taken a little turn for the worse lately because he seems more understanding. I think he thought it was quite un-normal for me to start crying uncontrolably durning a few intimate moments. I really couldn't explain why? I did finally call but my appointment isn't til next month. I haven't told my husband yet. We don't use words like depression around here. I'm not sure if I'm the one afraid of using it or him. Maybe I'm not giving him a chance...I just beat around the bush about how I feel....You can always find some othter way to explain you moods that sound somewhat reasonable. I believe he starting to see this as uncontrolable.....I good from sad to angry to happy as a clam with no warning or reason. Here for the past few weeks though I haven't had much anger....just sad and tired....I don't feel like getting out of bed and normally don't get up and around until my son has to start getting ready for kindergarten 11am. My son really doesn't get what is wrong with me. He is amazing though.....he'll ask what is wrong and hold my check(most often it makes me feel guilty because I know he needs so much more and there he is a 5 year old trying to take care of me!!)

 
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