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Old 01-23-2001, 02:22 AM   #1
CAZ CAZ is offline
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Re: Am i depressed?

hi, i am 16 and my name is caz, i have been feeling very, down and upset, sometimes moody and i cry for no reason, even the smallest things set me off.
i have been like this for 3 years, i suffered from childhood depression for a year before that.
i was raped last year which made me revert into myself, i didn't report this to the police because i felt dirty and i didn't want to have to tel my mom, so i had to live with it, and while i was walking around like nothing happened i was screaming out from the inside. i had 9 very close family and friends die in 6 months, and i suffer from anorexia, because i have a constant fear of becoming fat, i always feel sad and scared that something will bad will happen to me, because so much has already happened.
i tried to take my on life 7 times, but it has never worked, i guess that was a way to escape, my parents just dont understand me anymore, no-one does. everyday i walk around feeling empty inside,always having thoughts of killing myself and thinking of all the different ways that i could do it. I cant really write down how i am feeling and so much has happened to me which i haven't even writen down, i guess i just want to know, "am i abnormal or am i depressed?"

Please somebody repley to my post, this is my last chance at trying to find out what is happening to me.

love caz

P.s before anyone asks dont tell me to see a doctor, i tried that and i kept getting male doctors and they really scare me.

p.p.s sorry this goes on, it just kept flowing through in a rush of emotions like a river rushing with water.

 
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Old 01-23-2001, 08:39 AM   #2
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Re: Re: Am i depressed?

Hi Caz, I've seen you on the eating disorders board. It's interesting, but not surprising, that the same people seem to turn up on the eating disorders board, the depression board and the addiction and recovery board. I'm no Doc, but it does seem to me that you are severely depressed.

I know you don't want to see a Doctor, but if you are feeling suicidal, you MUST get some help. If you have not had any luck with Doctors in the past, you should keep trying until you find one you feel comfortable with. If you don't want to see a male Doc, try a female. (I feel the same way) It's often a case of trial and error when choosing a Doctor. I have had great docs, good docs and one that was horrible. If you don't feel comfortable with a doctor, try another one.

I, like you, suffered from childhood depression and was seeing a psychologist at the tender age of 6. I am now 25 and staring with a new one. A good psychologist can make a world of difference in your life which is why I am so anxious to see mine this afternoon. You might talk to your family Doctor and explain your feelings and ask him/her for a referral, that's at least a place to start.

You and I actually have a lot in common as I was raped at the age of 14 and didn't tell anyone either. I also felt dirty and felt as though I should have been able to prevent the rape. I didn't tell my parents because I couldn't bear the thought of them knowing that their sweet little girl had actually had sex. I realize now that I didn't have sex, I was raped and the two are very, very different. I am just now facing up to the self-esteem problems I have had that I feel are a result, in part, of the rape. It's not an easy thing to deal with and it's probably not something that will go away on it's own. I thought it would and it has come back to haunt me in the past year. (11 years later!)

I'm sorry that your parents don't understand you, but unfortunately for us and our parents, very few parents are able to understand their teenagers. When I was 16, I saw a psychologist who had my parents and I in for some family therapy and it really helped. Maybe that's something you could do with your parents. I'm sure your parents love you dearly and they are probably hurting too because they are unable to understand what you are going through.

You must remember that you are a valuable person and that people love you and if you will open up and ask for help, you might just be surprised at the lengths those people will go to help you. I asked for help with my depression 2 weeks ago and was blown away by the love and compassion I was shown by my parents, friends and even my co-workers. Hang in there Caz and talk with your parents. Keep us posted! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 01-23-2001, 10:14 AM   #3
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Re: Re: Am i depressed?

Hey Caz,
You know, parents work at a disadvange sometimes. They want to help their kids but they have problems talking to them and the kids have the same problem talking to thier parents. But...when the going gets really rough and something terrible happens you might be surprised that your parents will understand and be able to help. Sure, they might get upset, but hey they should be upset and thats normal. I know you are not the quilty party here even if you might think you are. So please re-consider talking to your parents and asking them for help.

Princess gave you some very good advice and she has been there. She knows what she is talking about.
Peace

 
Old 01-23-2001, 11:37 AM   #4
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada
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SoLost HB User
Re: Re: Am i depressed?

Doctors are pretty scarey; it's hard to find one that you are compatible with. I've been to three in the past few weeks and still haven't met one who is willing to take the time to talk to me and help me. I haven't given up! I made another appointment for a doc next week; hopefully this will be the one.

I can relate to your sexual assault as I was assaulted by my cousin until I was 14. It started out being pretty innocent but lead on to other things. I moved back with my mom and he died shortly after. I never told anyone. Then when I was sixteen I was assaulted by a man who was 10 years older than me. A bunch of friends rented a hotel room. When they all left he had his way with me. I said no but he didn't listen so I just laid there until he was finished. Then I went home. I told my best friend the next day but I didn't want to do anything about it because I felt like it was my fault; if I wasn't there or if I hadn't been drinking it wouldn't have happened. Well, a pregnancy resulted from that encounter; I now have a 7 year old daughter and I try every day not to think about how she was conceived. When I was 22, while having one of my manic episodes of drinking too much and sleeping with guys I really didn't know I was assaulted at a party. After I had sex with one of the guys at the party (I wanted to) I passed out. Well, the alcohol had a bad reaction to the luvox I was taking and when I "woke up" I couldn't see or move. All I could feel was some man, who wasn't the one I had been with, on top of me having his way with me. Well, I blamed myself for that one to; I was drunk, I was "slutting around".

I guess some of that brings me where I am today...horribly depressed and almost unable to function. I never dealt with my sexual assaults and did like you. I turned inwards and just blamed myself for what had happened. Yes, I admit, I did use poor judgement but those men made a decision to victimize me. I feel horrible about it but I still, at 25, don't like to talk about it! Actually, the people on this message board probably know me better than my own friends and family.

My advice to you is get help now! You are 16 and have your whole life ahead of you. My life went downhill after my first sexual assault and I never did anything to help myself and now I am at the point where I am fighting for my life and I'm not sure if I'm winning the battle! Call a rape hotline and talk to someone there if you can't open up to your friends or family. They will lend you a supportive ear and you won't even have to tell them who you are.

Just do something, k??

Angie

 
Old 01-24-2001, 02:39 AM   #5
CAZ CAZ is offline
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Re: Re: Am i depressed?

thanks for all of your advice, but angie, it is not just being raped that is jst a small part of it, i was sexually abused by my uncle until i was 10 and that started when i was at the tender age of 5, then at 10 i was sexually abused by a stranger then at 16 i was raped (i am 17 now, its my birthday today!!). i have to cope on my own, i CAN'T talk to my parents, she knows what happened when i was 10 and she blamed me for it, she too was abused at 10 by a stranger and she was my nan, great nan and great great nan, all at the age of 10.

I then had to cope with death which i had never encountered before, which the hardest of all, i was crushed that my grandad died, we were very close. i blamed myself for years, but i broke down in tears in front of a teacher and she really helped, at the age of 13 i was self-harming in a big way, taking any chance i had to get my pain out through sliceing my arms or throwing myself at a wall.

by then all i could think about was killing myself, then i became the victim of bullying, by people who i thought where my best-friends. the teachers couldn't care less, except for two who probably saved my life. i was beaten up on a day to day basis, and again i never told my mom, she used to wonder why i came home everyday with new brusises or cuts.

Every boyfriend i have had since the rape, has just wanted me for sex, i have a boyfriend at the moment, and he is so different from everybody else, i have slept with him, but at first i was soooo scared at the thought of a man touching me.

then came the anorexia, i was convinced iw as fat, i only weigh 39kg's but that is really fat to me.

sorry i have gone on again, see ya repley soon
love CAZ

 
Old 01-24-2001, 08:59 AM   #6
 
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Re: Re: Am i depressed?

Well HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope you do something special for yourself today to celebrate.

It is so unfortuante that your mother doesn't support you since she knows all about the guilt, hurt, and shame that comes with sexual abuse. My daughter was sexually assaulted recently by my mom's husband. I was shocked, hurt, upset, you name it I felt it. I have taken this very seriously and the police are involved. My realationship with my mom is over and she has shunned my daughter because she doesn't believe her. This is very difficult for both myself and my daughter.

I think if anything, your mom has taught you that sexual assault is something you shouldn't talk about; you should just hide it and that's probably how she learned how to cope from her mom and so on. Your mom probably believes you but is suffering from denial and maybe some self blame.

Since you can't talk to your family I would strongly urge you to get some help from your community. I don't know what it's like down there for services. Here in Canada we have all kinds of hotlines and support systems for women. You would probably like a psychologist if you gave them a chance. You can talk to them about anything and they don't judge you. You need to talk about what happened to you and start dealing with it. I can tell you this because I know how awful it is and waiting only makes it so much worse...trust me. You are still young and you can learn coping strategies that will take you into a healthy, happy adulthood. I have to start from scratch at 25. It's a difficult road and I know how much it hurts to talk about it. Keeping it inside only hurts more in the long run. I've only started talking about my sexual traumas now, years later! Talking about it is the first step to healing.

Is your bf supportive? Maybe he can go with you to see a psychologist if you need the extra support. Sadly, a lot of men are just out for sex and when you have been harmed the way you have been in the past you are more likely to fall prey to their advances. You need to be strong and healthy so you can make good decisions about your relationships.

Do you have any close girlfriends to talk to? Life is so hard for teens these days. I can't relate much to the bullying and the death of your grandfather but I can tell you are keeping all the emotions inside. When you keep things inside the anger and hurt just keep building until you just don't care about yourself anymore. That's when you start hurting yourself and wanting to die. All this inner pain may have a connection to your eating disorder which I'm sure you're not fat and if you were, so what! You need to be happy and healthy. Instead of worrying about fat worry about being healthy. Make sure you eat healthy food...veg and fruits so your body feels good. I believe our minds and bodies work very much together. If you feel lousy in your heart your body starts feeling lousy. Likewise, if you aren't fueling your body with healthy food your mind isn't going to feel very good either.

So my main advice today is: care about you. Go out, have a nice healthy supper, and free your mind from all your troubles...even if it's only for a few hours. Make this a good birthday for yourself.

Take care,
Angie

 
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