I'm so fustrated right now. I don't know why i'm holding on. Why can't i just kill myself and get it over with. It's so easy, there are so many ways for me to do it, why can't i just commit suicide. Yesterday i was driving in my mothers car and i had the chance to drive off of a cliff, so i started to do it and then stopped at the last sec. WHY? What am i waiting on for? I get paralyzed with fear whenever i try and do it. When I first started coming on this board and getting support and advice, i had hope, but that was a year ago, nothing has changed, i've given up with trying because it nevers works and then when i tell people that it didnt work, they claim i've ignored their suggestions or am not really trying hard enough. Whats the point if nothings works. I can't do anything right.
My life is completely useless, i serve no positive purpose on this earth, i have nothing (by no fault of my own). Every single bad thing that can happen to a person has happened to me, and its keeps getting worse and worse. The very least i could have been given is the strength to end my life, but i don't even have that. Sheesh, can it get any worse, i already know it cant get better, mostly because i dont have to will to keep trying and trying and trying like people want me to, but can it get any worse???
I'm in so much pain that i can't even describe it, its beyond agony, it hurts so bad. I don't understand why people like me exsist, what is the point of making a person suffer so bad. Even if its all my fault that my life is all messed up (although i know its not my fault) but even if it was, clearly i dont have what it takes to change which isnt my fault, so its still not my fault, it wouldnt be my fault if i was born a weak person. I don't care what anyone says, i am NOT doing this to myself, my life is worthless and its not my fault, i dont think its anyones fault, but i'm tired of feeling worthless and then having people tell me its because of things i need to change, NOOOOOOO, it has nothing to do with me, life is just unfair and some people are here on this earth for no reason. The only thing i'm asking for you guys is prayer. Please just pray for me to die, thats the only way my life is gonna change, the only way, if you have a heart you'd do it for me, maybe if you guys prayed for my demise it would come sooner.
This is a copy of the post that Joy sent the other day:
You're so young to have such negative thoughts all the time. Have you ever tried any antidepressant medication? I've tried a few and Prozac works for me, I do try myself to think positive which is much easier with the medication. See a good pdoc, and try to find happiness in yourself by being a good, loving person and things will start to change for youl Best wishes.
That is eactly how I feel. You need to feel good about yourself before you worry about getting a boyfriend. There are millions of women out there who are not attractive in the classical Hollywood movie star sense of the word who have boyfriends and husbands. If you feel good about yourself, you will automatically attract men no matter how you look.
I used to be extremely depressed and felt worthless and tried to kill myself all the time but didn't have the "courage" to. The only thing that helped was when I finally decided to take medication. I know that you don't want to take medicine because you don't think that it will work. But the overwhelming odds are that it will make you feel better. What do you have to lose? Please see or call your family doctor or OBGYN or whoever you see for checkups. Any doctor can start you on Prozac or a similar drug. Please try it!!!
Call me crazy (winks) but I dont know if you really want to kill yourself. I think you want attention, and perhaps you feel if you did something extreme, like attempt suicide and get caught, you'd get help. Perhaps your afraid of failure? Succuess?
You asked what the point of your existance was....
I think in relativity. There are six billion people in the world. Quite a large number.... Quite overwhelming.... Quite a number that makes you feel small and insignificant. But you matter to someone, so thats what really matters.
I made a big step and made an appointment to see a doc. about getting meds. but then i cancelled it. I don't know why, i'm just too afraid to get drugged up, i cant do it.
I just dont think i need it, i just want some friends and a boyfriend and then i would be normal. Why doesn't anyone off the internet in regular life, talk to me. I'm so shy but if someone tried to be nice i would be nice back. I hate to admit it, but Eli is right, i just want a little attention from someone, is that too much to ask, i dont even feel like a human because i'm always ignored except when people are making fun of me.
You make it sound like people on medications are drugged up zombies.
ps. I am really glad that you took the first step to see a doctor. It doesnt matter that you cancelled. Dont beat yourself up about it. Baby steps. Maybe next time you'll go see one. Keep at it Kiddo.<p>[This message has been edited by Jaxxx (edited 05-30-2001).]
Its never wrong to want attention. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> But you should want the right type. You want productive attention, which means you must have productive output. You should not want "pitty attention." Jaxxx is right, just take baby steps, hon. Share your knowledge of the world with people, and they in turn will give you the world. Frienships can mean everything, if they are for the right reasons.
Elijah<p>[This message has been edited by Elijah (edited 05-30-2001).]
I have some a fantastic mom, i am married, we have a beautiful son, but I am depressed. Having a boyfriend doesnt automatically mean happiness. At times i wish i was single again. No one can make you the person you want to be other than you. Maybe you didnt drive off that cliff because you dont want to kill yourself. Lots have thought of dying, but know where to draw the line, between thinking it and doing it. Death is not an easy way out. This is the third time i have writen this bit today, but it seems as though some need to here it, and i think you do. I had cancer last year, and tomorrow i have to go back to hospital for a biopsi to see if i am ok, and i am so scared i dont want to die. Before i had my operation i wrote letters to my family saying how i loved them, a few months ago i read them and realised how hurt they would all be without me, you have people who would be just as hurt if something happened to you.
Ad will not make you feel drugged up, they will help, and you do need help. Please get another appointment with your doc.
i am praying for you, for you to have the strength to go on and to have hope. hope that somehow things will get better in your life. i know how hard that is, there are so many things in life you havent experienced that you deserve to. dont give up! tell yourself things cant get worse than they are so that means they must get better! your a deserving person.
When I was a more religeous young man(I sure aint now <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif"> ) I was told god never gives us more than we can handle. By that I think that he gives us ways to deal with our problems. CML you really should look into meds. Even though it sucks to take them, they do help. I understand being afraid to take em. I got my paxil in March and it was the end of April when I started to finally take it.
Besides a few REALLY bad panic attacks, I've been in a better mood. Even after I had a horribly one this morning. Almost went to the hospital, I am still feeling good today.
When you get as bad as you are right now, you need help to get outta it. You are right, you probably cant do any of the things
people(myself included) have been advising you to do. Thats cause you are stuck in the depression pit right now. You need a helping hand to get out. Meds will do that on top of
talking to a phychyatrist/phycologist.
But after a few weeks of taking the right med(note:sometimes it takes a whole lotta trial and error) you can start to feel better. Only then will you be able to do all the stuff people advise you to do.
So take the first step. You can even go into a walk in clinic and they will perscribe an
AD if you tell them your simptoms. When I was really bad last year, thats what I did.
The GP doctor who was there would just listen and he helped me get back on my feet.
GoodLuck and dont kill youself. That would be the only waste of your life.
P.S. You are smart and have potential in you, you just gotta get out of the pit to realize it <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif"><p>[This message has been edited by Danby (edited 05-30-2001).]
I understand about the unbearable pain and hopelessness. I had it also with the crying, death wishes, and most of what you described. Two things really helped: antideprssants and talk therapy. I had to try several different ADs but at the start each one made me feel better. I think this helped just because I was doing something. I want to my GP first then got a referral to a psychiatrist. The hardest part was talking to a psychologist. Try to make an appointment again. You were definitely strong to do that once. Explain what happened. Believe me, they've seen this before. Next you can try to get a referral to a psychologist or therapist. Maybe you can just talk to a professional on the phone.
You're not weak, but much stronger than I was. I had to have a friend make my first appointment. At least you were able to do that on your own.
I will pray for you- but it is for you to have good blessings on your way. Hope (I will call you that if its ok), you are stronger than you think. And to resist such an evil temptation is a sign of your inner strenght fighting to do the right thing. You have a good conscience. Your head may be saying- do this, but your heart is a good one and would lead you to the right way... Please get some help. You really need to see a doctor. Have you had a behavioral psychoanalysis? That might be something you may want to look into. I really believe that your longing for a bf, or attention or whatever has an inner cause- you must have your unconscious uncover that. A good psychiatrist will help you do that.