I have hit a recent low and I do not know what to do/think. I am a very analytical person so everything I do/see, I analyze, naturally. But my life has been going very bad recently, and I tell people it is because I choose to be like this, but I do not know if that is entirely true.
To summarize the situation: with girl I had very strong feelings for, one day we talked and she said she could see no future for us due to her going to a way out of town university, I was crushed. I thought it was a simple depression. But I think either it has become worse or I am making it out to be much worse than it is (I think the latter to be more true).
Well, This past week I got really bad and barely left my house, barely left my room or computer and depressing music, and have not been my normal self. And this past weekend I was talking to some people online and talking to 'her' and I just got REALLY depressed and told her thoughts of suicide and logged off ubruptly. I grabbed a knife and thought about it and started to lightly go over my wrist then realized what I was doing and stopped but instead I just cut myself enough so there was a mark.
That was two evenings ago. Last night I went with 'her' to get a bite to eat and we talked and I showed her my wrist and we talked and she still wants to be friends, still cares for me and misses me. But I do not know if I can be just friends with all my feelings for her. Almost like it is all or nothing.
The thoughts of suicide have left and it feels almost as if I am beginning to average out a bit but I do not let people know; I do not want to look foolish. And I am toying with the thought of at least trying to be friends with her, as unstable as I am and as much as I probably scare her.
Does anyone have any responses, thoughts, advice, or just general comments? I will take anything at this point, my brain is fried. Thank you and I appreciate your time and any responses.
Post Scriptum - I apologize for the length. I tried to avoid my usual, descriptive explanations.
First off you need to take care of you and not put your ex-girlfriend in the sititoion of choosing. People with depression and other disorders very often have tunnel vison and no matter how much they analze they come up short for they can't see the whole picture. You need to get some kind of help-it's not like you want to be this way and it's not by choice and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Take care hon and realize from me suicide is not the answer for worst things can come from an attempt.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and
if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you'll risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be
careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the acusation of betrayal and not betray your own
I want to know if you can be faithful, and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every
day, and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the
full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the
It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you'll stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself.
And if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.