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Old 05-29-2001, 07:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 3
burden2 HB User
suffering a life sentence

was it a lifetime sentence for me when i was born? god why do i feel this way? since i was a child i have felt it. coped with it some way and tried to resolve it. masked it, hidden it, ran from it.....now whats scaring me the most is my children have to see it. alone with me must be awfully scarey. to see me cry throughout the day. not knowing why, or what to say. my thoughts are guilt, fear, loneliness, self loathing. seems the only way out is sleep which is also unpleasant with nightmares... i keep trying for some reason (kids) and want to be like everyone else who seem happy and well adjusted. i pick myself up and seem to get punched again. i really am trying, and things beyond my control keep happening to knock me down again. why do i keep doing this to myself? i feel if i were stronger i would be able to roll over and just give up! im so tired, of it all!

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Old 05-29-2001, 08:16 AM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: uk
Posts: 26
jade0605 HB User
Re: suffering a life sentence

Hi there and welcome,

When i read your post it was as though i had written it. I know so well how you are feeling. I have a 2 year old, and he is great when i cry he comes up and hugs me, which makes me cry more. I long to be normal, to get up in the morning and not think about things, but just do things. Have you seen a doc. I am on Celexa which is not working at the moment, so i need to get that sorted out. I was first dx when i was a child, and it comes and goes, but at the moment it is always there.

You will find everyone a great bunch of people who will listen, comfort and give you any help you need.

Take care
Jade

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Old 05-29-2001, 06:36 PM   #3
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Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Maine,U.S.A.
Posts: 14
jojo91 HB User
Re: suffering a life sentence

Hi It definitly sounds to me like depression.I was the same way about 9 mos. ago.I went to the doctor and he put me on medication and it really works good.I haven't cried in front of my children for a while now.Of course I went through a few meds. and am still trying to find one that will last but they do work!!I think you should go talk to your doctor about this because it can be better.I know since I've started taking medication I get myself out of the house and I actually play with my kids and take then to the park.That is a big deal to me.I hated it when they had to see me cry.It's not always great but everyone has bad spells.Let us know how you are doing and if you decide to go to the doctor.
Joanne

 
Old 05-30-2001, 10:11 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 3
burden2 HB User
Re: suffering a life sentence

today im feeling a bit better. i do not know if getting back on antideppresants will relieve any of my feelings. i have taken numerous in the past but havent in about 2 yrs due to no insurance. when i took them in the past they helped tremendously with anxiety but never touched this depression ive had for 42 yrs? it seemed a waste of time and energy for myself as well as my physciatrist and therapist. (who ive wondered how stable they were themselves) they seemed bored and uninterested in what i was feeling and the only way i could get medication was to visit them frequently. my children are older. teenage girls, im alone with them and they truly are my salvation. it just crushes me to put them thru this. seeing me an emotional wreck, but they still love me and need me, thank god for that! i just feel like ive struggled too long and have always felt alone even when i am surrounded by others. my parents and siblings and most of my friends are somewhat supportive though they tire of hearing my feelings and think i should somehow be able to just snap out of this. they think that im always beating myself up. maybe it sounds that way but i feel like thats what i must deserve. its who i am. i guess thats why i feel its a life sentence for me. thanx for your reply. i really do appreciate it!

 
Old 06-11-2001, 07:27 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 34
kristis2 HB User
Re: suffering a life sentence

That is really sweet Nicole and welcome!I cry infront of my 2 year old son all the time,and It makes me feel horrible!!I don't want him to see me like that,but that is me,and I can't hide it from him 24/7!He asks what is the matter and gives me a big hug and kiss!that makes me feel loved!Well just rambling!!lol Kristi

 
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