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Old 01-13-2001, 12:39 AM   #1
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mimy35 HB User
olivia

Olivia and anyone else please dont apologize for not being able to deal with getting into a discussion right now.I feel the same way all the time.I want to be kind and cosiderate,but i cant do it.Then i feel even more depressed.Like now i want to be nice but it's upsetting me to have to be bothered when i dont see a reason for anything.I have read alot of boards and always stayed in the backround.This was the first board i responded to.I have never heard so many people sound and feel like me.I cant kill myself but i'm there and have been for years especially the last 4.I dont see hope.I dont believe there is an answer.I cant get myself to do anything because there isn't anything to do.I'm 36,alone,sick physically and mentally every second i go through pure hell trying to and wondering why and how to go on.In my judgment for plain depression there are no medicines that can help me.I cant go on any further writing.This is makng me feel worse!
Please dont be offended by anything i have said.I am talking about me.Everytime i make an attempt to tell people about how i feel i get crazier and all i ever hear is that i am not cooperating,not helping myself and should be locked up.
The one thing i wanted to say to Olivia and others is that i know everyone understands ths feeling of wanting to respond but just cant.

 
Old 01-13-2001, 10:24 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2000
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clouds HB User
Re: olivia

all i can say for now at least that i can think of read the bible and read books get a support group. maybe even go to aa meetings to meet people , get prozac maybe . the other meds i dont like much . buspar is good maybe for anxiety..are you in small town . you say the doctors you dont trust?why not?

 
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Old 01-15-2001, 12:40 AM   #3
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mimy35 HB User
Re: olivia

Everyone and (Clouds)
First of all it would take me to long to reply for you to understand my whole lifes history.I can briefly say that i have no interest in the bible,bupar is a joke.I take alot more pain medicatin including 40 mg of valium a day for my neuropathy which your body gets immuned to quickly.I dont even feel it and then i take severe dosages of narcotics for pain that i also do not feel.Unfortunately i need them to function physically and all these meds aggrivate depression.but then my diabetes also effects my depression.My blood sugar doesn't go above normal range but goes from normal to extremely hypoglycemic from stress,being depressed,not eating and being on meds for diabetes.
All antideppressants dont work on me and i dont think you should suggest so freely for someone to just start popping prozac like it's a cure all.I have beenon prozac twice for neuropathy but never for depression.It would have been a nice side effect if it heled my depression but it made me feel hyper and like climbing
the walls to kill someone.Within 2 days of going off prozac all those feelings were gone.If you read my posts,you would understand that i am chronically ill and in severe pain with real medical problems not jst in my head.This makes it extremely impossible to go out to do much and for someone who is a social person this depresses me even more.
I live in Rochester Ny not a small town but thee is too much to explain why i dont trust anyone,but alot of those answers can be found on this board.The replys i have received with exceptions only tells me that so far not one of you understands what is wrong with me and that the details of what you are saying only sets me off.....I am not talking about the people that basically say simple things to me like i'm worth it,wish i could help and so on.It's people like you that advise in detail what i should do and some others that tell me i'm sick and need help.No kidding!That is why i'm on this board "JOY".
With my pain and all i have forced myself to go to a couple of the very limited support groups in my area hoping to socialize and make friends.It was worse gong home knowing i'm by myself after 14 years and have to sit there not only depressed but i'm in severe pain lately under a doctors supervision and in the middle of major medical tests for something new that's wrong with me....So who knows if i'll be able to make it back to another support/social group of some kind.I need something at least a few days a week.Not a group tat meets once a week or once a month and that is what is available to me.
Why in the world would i want to go to aa,na or any of those groups.You really shouldn't push your belief in god on other people and i have a feeling that's why you made that suggestion.I have been to many in the past to support others and they havn't change.Although they now tell you to believe in whatever higher power it is tat floats your boat.They are no longer allowed to use god assuming everyone believes in such a person.This is the shortest version i can give you.I have explained because of all my problems my life is a vicious circle and i dont see anywy out of it.Somtimes it's so dark around me that i dont have to think of suicide it just feels like i might be dying.
If you dont know a person i wouldn't be so quick to offer the kind of advice that you did and also "JOY"
Being gentle and caring like Olivia and a few others doesn't really get me anywhere but it does feel kind and soothing!

 
Old 01-15-2001, 08:23 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: long beach, ca usa
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Olivia HB User
Re: olivia

Hi Mimy,

Thank you for saying I'm gentle and caring, I really needed that right now as I have been in a hell hole myself lately.

Would you mind telling me what neuropathy is, I can't remember and would like to know. Not so I can say I understand your kind of pain because I don't. I can really only understand somethings a little bit because of our similarities.

I used to have neuralgia pain which is very similar to shingles. It was shooting and excruciating but it came on and lasted for a few seconds and then went away. I went through that stuff for about a week. Thats all though.

Anyway if its not too much trouble for you I would be interested but if you don't feel like it then don't do it.

Olivia

 
Old 01-16-2001, 01:29 AM   #5
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
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Sara B HB User
Re: olivia

I'm terribly sorry to hear about all of the pain and suffering that you have. It really does sound like more than one person should have to live with. In fact, I believe that while everyone here that has questions or issues may not appear to be suffering as much as others, that doesn't make their problems any less painful. I have to be honest with you, I'm mostly responding to something that you said in one of your posts. I don't know the exact quote, so please excuse me if I misread or misinterpretted your statement. At some point, you had noted that you have real medical problems, not just ones in your head. For many (if not all) depression is a medical problem. I can't speak for everyone obviously, but when I start to get sick, I can feel certain ailments that are absolutely not in my head. And if I hit bottom, I am physically unable to take care of myself. Partly due the inability to get out of bed and such. But it's mostly because I lose most of my motor skills and can no longer physically function. I can't drive, I move at a snail's pace, I talk funny and according to my parents I look like I'm taking qualudes and all of the little things that made me me were gone. I really was completely empty both mentally and physically when I was at my lowest. To me, I don't consider this to be all in my head. They are physical effects that can be just as debilitating as any other extreme medical condition. That's all I really felt that I needed to say. I guess your wording just brought up in me all the stigma and disbelief some people have when someone who suffers from depression stops going to work, getting out of bed or even leaving the house. Many people will never understand it unless they experience it for themselves. Actually, I can't even say that I understand it. Just as I may not completely understand any of your other medical issues. But what I do know, are my experiences. And if I think they might be helpful to someone else, then chances are I'll tell of them. My intentions are good, but that doesn't mean that my experiences are helpful. In the end, it's a person's personal responsibility to make their own decisions. But I'd like to believe that finding other people with similar experiences can provide a lot, regardless if there advice is helpful or not. For me, it's just comforting to know that there are people who understand, at least partially, some of things I've gone through and continue to go through. It just makes me feel less alone.
Well, it looks like I've rambled on about the topic. My apologies for the lenthy note. I do hope that you find those things that would make your life more comfortable, both physically and mentally. I wish you only the best.
Sara

 
Old 01-16-2001, 07:08 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jan 2001
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mimy35 HB User
Re: olivia

Sara,
I apologize if i spelled your name wrong.It was alot to remember.I made that statement because someone told me on the board that maybe i should realize that my physical problems are only in my head.Most of my depression,which is a medical disorder,adds to my physical problems and they feed off of each other.I absolutely agree with you about what you said.I didn't say any names at the time but it was really an answer to someone else.It's just so hard to keep doing this writing.I have way to any replys.
I know what you are saying and unfortunately my depression started when i was first diagnosed with too many you know what i cant finish writing this thanks sorry whatever you need

 
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