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Old 01-23-2001, 03:16 PM   #1
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How could god do this to me

I really believe i have the worse life in the history of humankind. I'm sick of people always telling me to do this and do that, if i could i would, why would i wanna live like this on purpose. It's like telling a paralyzed person to just get up and walk, they could if they would. I can't get help from anywhere because i just can't. I tried to go to a therapist and as soon as all the questions started i just lied and pretended like nothing was wrong. I can't help it, i don't have any control over myself, sometimes i just wanna do things and i just can't. I feel so bad about my looks and everytime i try and leave my room no matter how hard i try, i can't look at people, i don't comfortable just passing someone on the street. What am i gonna do? I haven't talked to anyone in months and haven't had a friend in 7years. I feel like god is making it worse, on top of all the crap i have to deal with on a daily basis that i don't have the ability to change, i get other crap spit at me that brings me down worse and worse. I can't go to school, i just hate sitting in class feeling so ugly and seeing everyone else having fun, but not even having an once of nerve to even try an interact. I haven't been able to get a job, noone calls me back, its because i'm so ugly, i can't do anything about that. I don't have anything to my name not even food cause i don't have any money. Whenever i try to make an attempt to change it goes bad, ALWAYS. I'm sure noone will be able to help me, they never do, I just can't believe god would do this to me, i've been given nothing in life, except life itself, yet can't even enjoy it because i've been dealt the worse hand possible. It's always doom and gloom, no one should have to go as long as i have without any luck or good fortune. Why me? I feel so weak everyday like i'm melting away, i don't have anyone to talk to, i want a boyfriend more than anything, but i know i'll never get one because i don't have the looks and attitude and i can't change that. I'm 21, how am i suppose to live the rest of my life without any normal human contact, i can't get close to anyone, because i'm so scared of people, i know people think thats stupid and i should just grow up, but i'm getting older on the outside but on the inside nothing is changing, i can't make myself change it's suppose to just happen. I can't believe i'm almost done with my college and haven't even talked to one guy or made one friend, noone. I can't kill myself, god hasn't given me the strength to do it, so now i'm stuck waiting to die, since i'll never get a chance to live.

 
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Old 01-23-2001, 05:24 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Addison, Texas, USA
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K.Bailey HB User
Re: How could god do this to me

Please don't call yourself that. It can't be true. I shy away from people because I have a real hard time trying to interact NORMALLY. I am nervous, disfunctional and currently on medical leave thanks to my psychiatrist. I don't want to go back to work to face all those people, some not so good either. I know the outcome and will have to pull myself back together soon.

You can't blame God for what you are talking about, God loves you and wants you to be one of his children. No, I am not a born again Christian, but wish I was and hope I can be somday. I rarely read scripture, but you could find some of it interesting, I know you could, I have. If anything, God could make your life better if you give Him the chance.He's waiting.


You must be a smart person to almost finsh college. I never went to college/hated school. I seemed to play the role as nerd. I did have two friends and we would hang out together alot. That was a long time ago for me. I have 1 or 2 gray hairs now.

You went to school for a purpose, now use it to its fullest extent. You wanted to go to get an education, and you can. You can change your life though it nay be hell. You should still see a therapist. Me too! Write back and talk awhile. Kevin

 
Old 01-23-2001, 05:53 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: new zealand
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CINDERELLA HB User
Re: How could god do this to me

Dear friend, I think you are being very hard on yourself. You need some confidence. Dont call yourself ugly names. What makes you happy in life? It could be the smallest thing, I know you will probably say nothing makes you happy. Make 2001 your year of change, be determined, be positive, dont give up. When you look in the mirror find your good points, stop looking at the bad, we all have features we dont like, I dont like the scar on my forehead from a car accident, I dont like that I have grey hairs, I dont like my blemishes etc etc. However I dont dwell on these things. Thats how I am, if people dont like it I dont care. I have more important things in life like my husband and child. Why dont you treat yourself to a make-over or a lovely big bath with lovely smells, have some nice happy music and some candles and relax, sometimes the smallest of pleasures can mean the most. Take care.

 
Old 01-23-2001, 06:08 PM   #4
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struggling HB User
Re: How could god do this to me

I really sympathize with you to a point. I am clinically depressed, tried to kill myself, ended up staying overnight in a psychiatric ward because of it, suffer from social anxiety to a point where I can't even make a simple phone call to order pizza, quit my job on a whim, was unemployed for 6 months because of it, and am now --- FINALLY -- getting my life back on track. It terrified me to no end to go & talk to someone about my thoughts and problems. I still find myself sugar-coating my sessions with my therapist for what reason--I'm still not sure. But I'm on medication. Finally. And my therapist is a god-send. She keeps me for an entire hour, with no interruptions like other doctors tend to have (believe me, i've gone through a few of them). With the help of medication & talk therapy (sometimes they're just cry sessions), I FINALLY am changing my way of thinking. That's the problem right now. You can't control the way you think. So everything in life is horrible to you right now. You need help, help that's out there that can change your way of thinking. Please believe me. I've been there. Good luck.

 
Old 01-24-2001, 09:32 AM   #5
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cornwall, ON, Canada
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SoLost HB User
Re: How could god do this to me

I think you are being hard on yourself. I think we can all agree there's something we don't like about ourselves. I don't think it's your looks that is holding you back; it's your illness. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about social sitations and you sound depressed. Step out of your shell, even for just a moment, and make a call and try to get some help. Even if you don't want to see a pdoc see a psychologist. I look forward to seeing mine. I love to talk to them and get things off my chest that I may not want to express openly to my bf, friends, or family. Just talking about what ails you makes you feel better.

You're obviously an educated person and I think you lack self-esteem. You have no faith in yourself at all!

I don't care how ugly you feel, do at least one thing today that makes you feel good!!! And don't feel guilty about doing it. Like if you want a huge piece of cake (my favourite) eat it and like it and don't worry about it! Do one small thing to appreciate yourself every single day. No matter how difficult it is, find something you like about yourself and admire it, write about it, just do something!

Personally, I look forward to my bath time each day. Right now it's the only thing I look forward to. I put on the music, run the hot water, use my smellly soaps. When I'm in the tub I actually feel alive. For 20 minutes, I feel truly good and relaxed. You have to have something to look forward to or life is soooo bleak. Please do something for yourself and don't put yourself down. Put yourself up. You deserve it.

Take care,
Angie

 
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