Hope! I Hope.
Hello to all, This is my first time posting on the newwwwww board. I have been a reader of the old board for the last year or so. It s been over a year now since I was overcome by my attack with depression and anxiety. Yes attack. It came over me like a storm does on a clear sunny day. The only problem was it never got sunny again. At least not for some time. I was inspired by the hopeful post from our friend. Now that I am doing better I have forgotten how bad I really hurt. I used to search the board or boards to no end, till I found a message of hope. Sometimes I would hang on the message for days until I found another or until I found something to help give me hope. Well its my turn to help you guys who helped me. The word depression doesn't really fit how one feels while going through this. For most of you, you know what I mean. For those of you who need something to hang onto, I hope this story helps. This is the second time that I have gone through a bout of depression mixed with anxiety. The first time was over twelve years ago. It was so scary. I didn't know what was happening to me. I ran from doctor to doctor hoping that one of them would have the answer or a magic pill to make the crazy feelings go away. I think that I would have even accepted cancer as an answer. At least I would know what was wrong with me. To be told "its all in your head" is really hard to accept. After trying a number of different meds, which made me feel like I was back in the 70s, I was finally fortunate to find a doctor who somewhat really cared and prescribed something that helped. In time I got better. I learned a lot about myself as well as how I viewed the world around me. I stayed on meds (Imipramine) for over two years. I never wanted to go through or experience that ever again, at least not to that degree. Unfortunately, it was in my destiny to come up again. This time it hit full force like a hurricane. Overnight, everything changed. The way I looked, the way I felt, the way I thought about everything. Everything was just like twelve years ago all over again. Well, rather than waiting for the floodwaters to drown me, I went to, no, I ran to my family doctor and told him my past history. He said not to worry, everybody goes through depression at some point in there life. Ha! Not like this. Well he gave me Prozac and said that over the last twelve years modern medicine has made leaps and bounds in mental illness. What could I say? He seemed to make sense. He understood that I was coming to him for help and advice. Well, for me Prozac was not the wonder drug it has been for others. Why? I don't know. After having headaches and nausea for over two months, day in and day out I requested a change in meds. My family doctor recommend I see a physiatrist rather than trying different meds. He did not want me to be a drug guinea pig. For that I give him profound thanks. However, the shrink I went to, did exactly what my family doctor didn't want to do to me "squeak squeak". After trying Zoloft for two months and then a prescription for Wellburtuin I was ready to throw in the towel. I couldn't take it. These meds helped, but they created more pain than gain. My head felt like it was in a vise. My sex drive was gone and I was constantly nauseated, but I wasn't as depressed. I was functional, if you want to call it that, but barely. Now I know that all of that doesn't sound very optimistic, but it gets better. Keep in mind that over seven months had pasted and I still felt like crap. I have a family, a wonderful wife and a great job but I felt like crap, whyyyyyyyyy????? Around that time we switched insurance carriers. The crack or quack psychiatrics wasn't on the new insurance program. Therefore, I had to seek a new doctor. Even my regular doctor wasn't on the plan.
Well, I picked a new doctor and went in to plead my case. I was schocked. He was compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and yes human. He listened to my story and then after I gabbed for about an hour he made a suggestion. He asked if I would like to go back on what I took twelve years ago. I said yes, but I was told that the new drugs are better and less harmful. How? He asked are they better? They haven't seemed to have helped you! Who told you the new drugs are less harmful? The other doctors said this, I replied. Well, for the record he said "I don't believe thatís true, if you found something that works and has helped you before, why wouldn't you use it again"? He then gave me a prescription for Imipramine and said to call him in two weeks if I wasn't feeling better. Everyday since that day I have felt better and better. Now I know that Imipramine isn't for everyone nor is Prozac or Zoloft or Wellburtin. BUT THERE IS HOPE. KEEP TRYING. YOU WILL GET BETTER. Donít quit trying. Don't throw in the towel and give up. If you have to seek out twenty doctors and twenty different meds at each doctor, do it. You will find the right combo that will help you get better. Wow, it felt good to tell that story. I really hope it gives those of you who are still in the storm a glimmer of light. Now I am not a very religious person nor am I involved in any cult. However, I found great comfort in the pages of the Bible during my time of tribulation. The book of Psalms and Proverbs were the most comforting to me. There is a story of Peters faith as he walked out onto the water and cried out as he began to sink during the storm he was caught in. So to did I cry out during my storm. Hang in there it will get better. God Bless.
[This message has been edited by CBOY (edited 01-02-2001).]
[This message has been edited by CBOY (edited 01-02-2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by CBOY (edited 01-03-2001).]