To start off, my cold is back. I could hardly lift my head off the pillow this morning. Last night it snowed here in new york. I had plans since wednesday to go out with a friend of mine to a bar/club where i usually dance and have a good time. Because of the weather, she bailed. I did understand but i sooo wanted to go out. I think i am becoming desperate to gather up anything that resembles a social life. I ended up falling asleep by 11 anyway.
Besides feeling horrible this morning from my cold, my mood wasn't horrible. I went to the mall with my mom. Sometimes going to this mall makes me sad because it seems that most people there are happy and living. Holding hands...yada yada yada. All of sudden something happened. I became very shaky, at one point everything got very loud...then i heard nothing...everything started spinning and closing in on me. I think i experienced an anxiety attack. It was the worst thing. I almost broke down and cried. I took deep breaths. I got really nervous i was going to pass out. I have no idea what happened. Any ideas?
Sometimes writing on this board gets me through the day. I need monday to go back to therapy. I am so desperate for a man to love me. I never thought my life would be like this. I always wanted something different...something better.
Wow, i wrote a lot. Sorry for babbling. But thanks for helping me through my day.
Thank you for listening to me kimberlynn. I have never had an anxiety attack before. I thought i was going to scream. Is it pathetic to think that a man can validate my loneliness? I am so confused. I am 22 and i feel so lonely it is pathetic. I have never let anyone in. But i imagine too much of how happy i would be if i could just find him. I don't think realistically. I feel so trapped within myself.
I don't want to sound negative here; but after reading both of your posts, I can't help but reply. You both mention waiting and wanting a man to love you. Don't think for a minute that having a man in your life will suddenly make everything "super". I'm not downing men...and it might make you feel better...but just be careful. There are men out there who seek out women who "need" men and then they end up being abused in one way or another. This happened to me. I'm not saying to run and join a convent or anything; but just be careful out there. Good luck...hope you feel better!!!
Good advise, Ladyowl. You've got to love yourself first before you can attract the right guy. When you're not looking, it happens. Needy women attract controlling men and it's not a pretty picture.
I just wanted to comment on the man part of your post. No, having a man will not make your problems go away.
I've been happily married for 15 years, and having a wonderful husband hasn't helped my depression and anxiety at all. In fact, it adds somewhat to the guilt I feel, because I'm not the woman I used to be when we fell in love. He does everything for me when I cannot. I'm happy he's in my life, and he's a fantastic father to my two sons. But, he doesn't have a magic wand to wave everything away.
I've realized, after years of depression, that only I, and a good doctor can help me. No one can fix me. It's very hard to deal with. I see my new psychiatrist on January 24th, and I'm holding on to the edge of my chair 'til then.
So, to sum it up, you must fix yourself. A lot of significant others can't even deal with, or understand what we feel. You'll be ready for a relationship when YOU feel better, OK? And, you will. You're not desperate, just sick.
Men can and will take advantage of women in need, women who are "just waiting" for their knight to save the day and banish their loneliness.
I have done it a few times in my life. Feeling bad or guilty afterwards did'nt make up for what pain and hurt I had caused.
In AA I did go and find all of them I could and make my apoligys. Some accepted it, some I had to write to or leave phone msgs to because they would not talk to me. I deserve that and more.
I have hurt no one including myself for ten years, but when I die I may not have forgiven myself (but I am working on it).
What was said about loving yourself and accepting yourself is true. It is hard for a lot of us. It is hard when you go to bed some nights and turn over to face the empty side of your bed. But, I have been lucky, I have been In Love and Loved two wonderful women. Now I have the friendship and "love" of several others and their familys. But its not the same of course.
Those that have not known the love of their life are waiting, those of us who have and have lost them are hurting.
Part of conquering depression is in the understanding that the past can really screw up your present and your future if you don't try to leave the bad things behind, learn from them if you can and remember the good things always.
Well I have to say a few things here, one yes a man in your life won't change everything, BUT if you are alone, it is so hard to be happy sometimes. We were not meant to be alone, none of us. To have someone to "walk through our shadows together"(RSM) is more important than we know. And I mean two people in love, not just being together for the sake of not being alone. I have started to write a book called OUR INNERMOST SELF THE SOLITUDE OF HEART and in it I talk alot about lonelyness.To me its the most universal source of human suffering today.
First i would like to thank everyone for responding to my post. Victoria...i know you probably didn't mean it harshly, it could just be my defenses, but the "you are sick" part struck me a little odd. I guess i never thought of depression that way.
When i really sit down and think, i truly know a man will not come and take me away from the hell i live and make everything better. I do know that is a reality. And i know by thinking that way, i am setting myself up. I am 22 years old and because of depression and hating myself, i have never let a man love me. I have never had a boyfriend. I do not fool around, nor will i settle for anything willing to be with me. It kills me that at 22 i have never had a boyfriend. I think people will look at me and laugh. I know i have to love me first. I am trying so hard to learn how to love me. But at the same time, i want a man to love me too. Dreaming of the "knight" helps me and is bad. It makes me feel i can be loved but i know it is making me extremely picky (for lack of better terms). I have made the perfect guy in my mind. I know many do that but i am afraid that i will be alone because i am afraid to take anything "less" than that. Does that make sense? But my fears of being hurt don't let me let anyone in. But at the same time, i want to love someone and let someone love me. It's all messed up. I know it will take time, just right now, at 22, i feel i haven't lived that part of my life yet, and i want to.