| | Can't find help
I'm 22, I've been diagnosed with depression since I was maybe 14 and I've seen several doctors between then and now, off and on, trying to find a way to cure it. Basically I've shut myself in, I'm antisocial, I have anger issues, I have suicidal and homicidal thoughts which isn't why I'm posting this (I call the suicide hot-line when I think I'm in trouble) and now that I don't have a job, I have no way of helping myself. Medicine is the only thing that's helped before. Psychologists haven't helped, trying to find a religion hasn't helped, self mutilation never helped (which is a good thing) and the only thing that has helped are playing video games and watching T.V. and movies. I'm in a spot where I want to find a job so badly but at the same time, I really don't. I can't bring myself to go out, I'm in pain because of a back injury from my last job and I feel my world is crumbling down around me.
I guess what I'm looking for are ways to give myself more energy so I can get up and do something. Perhaps small at first like cooking for me and my fiance, cleaning the house a little, getting out for some exercise which I know can help but I can't bring myself to do being a smoker who can't do anything for himself.
Is there any food I can eat, numbers I can call, some way that I can find the help I need and get back on my feet? Something free that I can use until I get a job? Please help me!