It wasnít always like this. Ever more now, than before I have felt utterly alone. I feel likeÖ.nothing. Nothing is enjoyable, and nothing is interesting. I have trouble feeling anything for the people around me. I feel that I should love my parents and the people close to me, but I have a hard time convincing myself let alone saying it. Iíve seen therapists, and taken pills for depression, but it seems to get me nowhere, like a hamster on a wheel effect. Iíve really felt this way for a very long time, as far back as I can remember. It was alleviated after I tried to overdose on some pills one night last year, but as Iíve been striving to do better by others, I have seemed to have lost myself, and my own happiness. I donít regret it at all, as it gave me that opportunity to look over my life and realize how much crap I was putting other through. I have been hurt a lot by people around me, and as a result I donít have any friends or anyone reliable to talk to. My mind is always going a mile a minute, and I canít seem to stop it. I canít forget anything and it makes it very hard to move on from anything. I feel like Iím worrying about tomorrow and living in the past at the same time. Itís frantically annoying, and nothing helps. It sounds like whining I know, but as I sit here alone on a Thursday night, I canít help but put my thoughts into writing.
It was alleviated after I tried to overdose on some pills one night last year,
Yeah, I'll just bet that after taking that final pill, you felt elated, like the terrible emotional pain that you had been suffering all these years would finally be gone forever. That you wouldn't have to deal with any of these painful feelings of desperation? Probably felt like the best feeling in the world? But, you didn't die. You survived for whatever reason. My guess is that you still have something that you need to accomplish within yourself.
and as a result I donít have any friends or anyone reliable to talk to.
. Ya know, when things start to look really bad, you can always turn to the Crisis intervention Hotline in your area. If you get an actual caring person on the phone when you call, they can spend up to an hour just talking to you, as I am right now.
I don't know how old you are, however my guess is fairly young (under 25 maybe).
Hey, it's 11:40 p.m. where I live and my mind is also not in the mood to shut down -- it too seems to race alot.
Converse with me and let me know how you are doing from time to time. O.K.?
The Following User Says Thank You to amyd For This Useful Post: AJS1287 (10-28-2010)
It’s almost 10 at night here. I feel like I am on a treadmill because just about a year ago from now, I was sitting in a mental ward due to an attempt on my life. I had to take classes and figure out my problem, and I came up with that same resolution back then, and I meant it. Now, it’s like it has repeated itself, and I never saw it coming. I am screwed up for reasons, for the most part, are unknown to me. I had a normal childhood, outside being tormented by other children for years. I’m not complaining about that, as I have accepted it as something that simply happens. I have grown up quite a bit from last year, and I thought that I had become a stronger better person because of it, and I embraced it. However, the facts stare me straight in the face; I am screwed up and I don’t believe I’ll ever get better. Throughout the day I can sit there and do whatever it is I’m doing, but as soon as drowsiness hits I am a completely different person. The only thoughts I have are thoughts of the end. I am never happy, and I can barely feign a smile. I consider myself an intellectual being, but recent matters have caused me so much grief, that I wonder what I’m all about. I still haven’t finished my degree, I have nobody to come home to, I can’t find joy in anything, and I can’t truly love anything or anyone. I think I’m a horrible person for thinking this way, but I simply can’t help it. My morbid thinking causes me so much grief that I am literally feel sick. I dream of my death, and the ways I could easily accomplish it, and I dream of how I would feel if those close to me died, and I feel nothing. I am completely alone in my cause, and I have nobody to talk to because it will probably land me in a much more unsatisfying setting. I am young, and I am completely aware of the consequences of suicide, which makes it ever more tempting, but I am also aware that others have experienced my trials and continue to live. I know that I have a long period of time ahead of me if I choose so, but the thoughts just won’t go away. Lately it has gotten so bad that it’s all I can think of from morning to night. I’m a mess, and there doesn’t seem to be any happy anywhere. I hate writing this because it feels like I’m doing nothing but whining and complaining, but it’s all I have left. I have seen therapists, which I can no longer afford. I am on medication, welbutrin XL 150 twice a day, which does little to nothing anymore. I see nothing but darkness, and all I want to do is have some relief. I am literally one step shy of doing the same thing I almost accomplished almost exactly one year ago today.
Thoughts are thoughts, good or bad or gray...Sounds like you may need a re-evaluation of your medication(s). Other than that it sounds like you are having a crisis of self. Depression can cause a multitude of symptoms. I would say you are infatuated with the idea of suicide and not the real dying. There is nothing so devastating as someone who commits suicide. We do not think of the ones we will leave to pick up the pieces of our life afterward. Suicide is a selfish thing indeed. I have had the opportunity to be on both sides of this sadness. Family and friends are left asking, "Why?", and they will spend years coming to terms with it if they ever do. Please call your doctor and let him/her know how you are feeling. Sometimes a med stops working for whatever reason or it needs to be increased. This is a faily low dose of Wellbutrin so you could benefit from an increase or an added medication. Try and learn how to love life for the little reasons and you will begin to love yourself. It just takes a little more time...Sincerely, searchin
First, you really and truly have to believe that you are good at something - that you have something to offer.
If you have not yet guessed it, I too was were you were about a year ago. And yes, I also became a number -- 5150. The "Behavorial Unit" did ABSOUTELY NOTHING POSITIVE FOR ME -- in fact it made it worse (if that was at all possible).
I have always liked people, soooooooo, I became a hospice volunteer. Not suggesting that you do this particular "job", as it's definitely hard. However, I already knew that I had no fear of death or dying patients, so for the last 9 months, I have been visiting the dying and just seeing how much they appreciate just my presence once a week is a win-win situation.
I got a second chance to make a difference with terminally ill individuals and their family/friends.
I know now that I possess a gift -- You do also. Find something to help others and you help yourself.