| Re: "it's all about attitude" or "think positive" or "no don't be negative"
I get what you are saying. I've tried to stay in a relatively good mood most of my life, through childhood abuse, a disappearing husband, single parenthood, no child support, eye surgeries, migraines, a few accidents, and some other downers in life. The last bout of fun took me to a darker place with my vision and my moods that I couldn't just snap out of, nor see the positive side of quite so easily. I couldn't work anymore and my health insurance wouldn't cover all the pre-existing conditions with my eyes, so a friend booted me out of bed and led me down the Medicaid road to help me get disability. I'm not quite there yet, but it's been entertaining.
The first doctor I visit tells me that my headaches, my vision, and my request for a referral to a mental health professional are all attributed to a condition caused by menopause. That's after a two minute discussion after his nurse had taken a history that didn't even touch on my gynecological history in any fashion. The poor old fellow manfully rooted through the records looking for the magical date of the commencement of menopause after I asked him to relate that date to onset of migraines at the age of three, and to the onset of vision loss at the age of 28 when I had retinal detachments, and how that explained ophthalmic migraines, which by the way I was having one now. He turned off the light and looked in my eyes and in frustration exclaimed that he couldn't see my retina due to the advance stage of my cataracts. I hope he learned not to claim that menopause was the instigator of all the ills suffered by womankind in the future, the dirty bird!
Finally, after several frustrating months of blood tests and runarounds I forced him to give me a referral to a neurologist for my migraines and an ophthalmologist for my eyes, and got my own appointment for intake with a mental health agency in my area. Oh, I had to arm wrestle him to get seen at a podiatrist where I was diagnosed, treated, and finally "cured" of degenerative arthritis in my ankles--with lots of injections. You could see the swelling knobs shrinking after each treatment.
At the mental health intake I was granted an appointment with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and Major Depression. I was given Celexa 20 mg, was on it for 3 weeks but was still crying constantly and very depressed. I was actually more suicidal during those first three weeks. She increased it to 40 mg, but I still feel depressed, exhausted, non-caring, and the only thing that has changed is that I'm not disposing of my belonging as quickly as I was able to do before. I'm not receiving any therapy. I'm also on Topamax for migraine, and Trazadone for the flashbacks and to help me sleep. The Topamax is causing anorexia and depression, and seems to cause rumination so instead of getting flashbacks that prevent sleep I ruminate over them all day long. The little bit of interaction I've had from potential therapists and the psychiatrist and my caseworker seems to focus on what they call "negative thinking". I don't even know what they are talking about because we don't talk about anything. They don't know what I'm thinking. They want me to go to group therapy and I had a panic attack in front of the psychiatrist, the therapist, and my caseworker. I don't have control of panic attacks. They are related to my vision loss, which is related to child hood abuse, and to fear for my security. Any thought of doing any thing where vision is an issue bring about a panic attack. I didn't say I wouldn't go to group therapy. I've done everything they've asked me to do. I've bared my soul, my home, and my life asking for help. They're allusions to negative thinking really hurt my feelings. It makes me want to stop with all this useless opening up. The drugs aren't helping anyway. I don't know how to talk to the psychiatrist. Apparently, I am only to see her for ten minutes every two months now, with my caseworker, to review meds. I'm supposed to tell her how great I'm doing and tell her what I want to do with my meds. I don't understand this at all. Being depressed is negative. If I could be positive I wouldn't need a psychiatrist. LOL
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