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Old 02-18-2011, 12:24 PM   #1
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Hate waking up

Thanks to everyone who has responded to me before, i feel like a broken record complaining about my life. I am just so sad, I am fighting back tears as I write this at work. All i want to do is sleep and not wake up, but the morning comes so quickly. I have a wife and three beautiful children, I have a house and a job and you think i would be happy but I have never been so depressed in my life.

I have always been depressed, as long as I can remember. I was skinny and awkward in high school and hated myself even back then. I have been searching my entire life for something to shut up the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm just too stupid and not worth it and all the negative things other people said about me were right. I fought horrible insomnia and eventually turned to drugs to try and help me sleep and feel normal. When that fell apart, I was left with almost a broken marriage, all the pain of before plus the added difficulty of sobriety.

I just feel like it all keeps piling up. Now on top of all my original self-hatred now I have the added guilt of being a former drug addict. All i want is something to make me feel normal, to not spend the one life God has given me hating myself and crying all the time. I know life is precious and beautiful, and life is a miracle, so why can't I control my own mind? People say Oh just think positive thoughts or get over it and oh how I wish that were true. I have been to so many doctors trying to get help, and of course they just want to prescribe medicine which so far hasn't helped (i have been on Zoloft, Abilify, Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin).

I know some people enjoy life and actually look forward to things besides going to bed. How do you become one of those people? How can I become someone who wakes up and is full of energy and loves life and smiles at everyone?

 
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:41 AM   #2
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Re: Hate waking up

Hi,
To answer the question at the end of your message, I would say that you need to find something that you enjoy. It could be something as simple as eating breakfast or doing something that will make you very excited like plan a trip. You say you have a wife and three beatiful kids but do you think you enjoy their company? One thing I have heard about being a parent is that you love seeing them grow up and have successful lives. Let me know if this is possible with you. Thanks

 
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Old 02-19-2011, 08:43 AM   #3
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Re: Hate waking up

Some people may be able to carry a positive additude no matter what life brings their way, some people can tolerate anything. I think your either born with that or your not. I carry that self hatred too. I had a horrible time growing up. I was so bashful. Had a hard time making friends. Picked on in school. Dropped out in highschool. Never thought I was pretty. Never have felt like I'd amount to a pile of beans. Drinking was fun for awhile. Relationships always sucked. I'm so sick now, I am what you'd consider dysfunctional from fatigue. Can't work. Alot of people treat me like crap. I hear all the time what a piece of crap I am. I don't know how people treat you, but I know the mental abuse after awhile really starts sticking with you, and you start believing everything you hear that is negative about yourself. My mood is controlled by everyone around me. I guess you have to find the one's that bring you up instead of the one's always wanting to bring you down. It's not you that's the problem. People are just very selfish, they usually don't care about anyone but themselves. They don't care how they hurt you. I'm sure if you did some sole searching, you'd find things that are really good about yourself. Quit giving yourself such a hard time over feeling depressed. It's not your fault. We all make bad decisions in life. You just have to live and learn. Your not doing drugs now. Pat yourself on the back for that. You brought 3 beautiful kids into the world. I'm sure your wife loves you very much. When a depressive state of mind takes over, you think that everything feels like the end of the world, but it's not. You can get over this. I don't know the secret to being happy. I can't tell you what that is. Just whatever you want from life, go after it, and don't let anyone stop you from doing it. Sleep is my favorite thing in this world too. It's the only time I feel like I have any peace. I know what it's like to lose a desire for every single thing, but things can get better, if you want it to. You have to fight it with everything you have. Look for the things in life that do make you happy and start spending time doing those things. Take a vacation. Take your babies to disney world or something. Just get out of bed and do something to break that cycle. Tell yourself your not going to let it win.

 
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:32 AM   #4
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Re: Hate waking up

Thanks to Neveragain and Keenobserver for replying, it always means so much when you check back and you see that someone took the time to read your post and reply.

I couldn't tell you how many times people tell me to "calm down" or "relax". I am a very nervous anxious person, especially today. My blood pressure is through the roof but I am on medication for that.

The main problem I have now is that I have lost the ability to take criticism or anything negative. I automatically jump to the worst possible conclusion when I hear anything bad. I got an email from one of my bosses today saying I didnt do this thing, one step out of 75 in setting up someone's computer, and of course in my mind they are going to fire me. I never thought this way until i was actually fired in August of 2009. It was a week after our 3rd child was born. They basically said I am a terrible employee. I was able to find a new job within a week, but that job turned out to be the wrong fit. I got a bad review after 2 months of being there, and that is when my panic attacks started. I was getting them almost daily, where I would start sweating, my heart pounding, I felt dizzy and nauseous. That went on for weeks until I was able to line up another job.

I am so jealous of people who have had the same job for years, I used to be that way but my last few jobs have been short. It has gotten to the point where I dread going to work, regardless of what job I have. I feel like the worst employee ever. I dont know what a normal amount of criticism is anymore, any time I mess up i am certain i am going to be fired.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: Hate waking up

That kind of anxiety needs some medication. I thought at one point there was nothing that would ever really help that, but there is. Lexapro is my favorite I've used for that. I've also been on valium, klonopin, beta blockers, buspar. Out of control anxiety where it's so bad your having panic attacks, not at all easy to deal with. The anxiety can get so bad, you can get depressed from it, things that are going on in your life feel so irrational. You feel irrational until it calms back down. You might feel so much better if you could get a medication to control that anxiety.

Critisism is very hard to face. Just look at me, I went ballistic on this forum this week because of that. Most was true, but some of it wasn't. I needed someone hitting me in the head with a hammer though, it was like a good wake up call.

I do think the key fit to someone working, is to find something you just really love to do, if that means college courses or whatever it be, do it, because in the end, it's you that has to get up and go out and do this everyday, you want something that you enjoy. I couldn't imagine having to go to a work place everyday that I'd dread doing. That would really have to carry alot of stress on you. All you can do with that job is try your best. If that is not good enough for them, then find a place where it is. If you did get fired, I know that would suck, but there are other jobs out there.

 
Old 02-22-2011, 03:11 AM   #6
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Re: Hate waking up

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadComputerGuy View Post
Thanks to everyone who has responded to me before, i feel like a broken record complaining about my life. I am just so sad, I am fighting back tears as I write this at work. All i want to do is sleep and not wake up, but the morning comes so quickly. I have a wife and three beautiful children, I have a house and a job and you think i would be happy but I have never been so depressed in my life.

I have always been depressed, as long as I can remember. I was skinny and awkward in high school and hated myself even back then. I have been searching my entire life for something to shut up the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm just too stupid and not worth it and all the negative things other people said about me were right. I fought horrible insomnia and eventually turned to drugs to try and help me sleep and feel normal. When that fell apart, I was left with almost a broken marriage, all the pain of before plus the added difficulty of sobriety.

I just feel like it all keeps piling up. Now on top of all my original self-hatred now I have the added guilt of being a former drug addict. All i want is something to make me feel normal, to not spend the one life God has given me hating myself and crying all the time. I know life is precious and beautiful, and life is a miracle, so why can't I control my own mind? People say Oh just think positive thoughts or get over it and oh how I wish that were true. I have been to so many doctors trying to get help, and of course they just want to prescribe medicine which so far hasn't helped (i have been on Zoloft, Abilify, Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin).

I know some people enjoy life and actually look forward to things besides going to bed. How do you become one of those people? How can I become someone who wakes up and is full of energy and loves life and smiles at everyone?
I too suffer depression at the same sort of level, and have done for 45 horrible years.
I was lucky that in the end, Prozac helped me at lot. But that didnt stop the" voices".
I found a good councellor that helped me deal with this, I learned to confront rather than cringe away from those memories of failure, and put them in context.
e.g. No, a child of 12 can't face up to a thug twice his size. No Im not a failure because my parents have always said so.
The voices are still there but now I fight back, and some have vanished and never returned. I find I can now cope.

 
Old 02-23-2011, 02:50 AM   #7
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Re: Hate waking up

Hi SadComputerGuy, neveragain444; I think your anxiety is a result a lot of frustrating things happening in your life. You cannot control them but you can control how it affects you. SadComputerGuy, you should wonder what it is that makes you happy, for example it could be being with your family, your first job seems to indicate that you actually had something you liked. Anxiety comes out of things that you know you cannot control and to tackle this, you need to realise that whatever the outcome of what is bothering you has an alternative. As neveragain444 mentioned, if you lose your job, there are other jobs out there. If you cannot afford to be unemployed for a month, find out financial ways of finding securities. If none of these issues are what causes you to be anxious, think harder of what it is that causes you to become anxious.

neveragain444, I think your childhood has put you in a lifetime mess. As you have indicated to SadComputerGuy, think about things that make you happy whenever you are down. Let me know how you have been able to overcome some of the problems you have described.
Thanks

 
Old 03-01-2011, 04:40 PM   #8
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Re: Hate waking up

Well buspar helped me with PTSD and social anxiety for sometime but because of jaw spasms, I could not continue taking it. Lexapro pretty much stopped my social anxiety issues. If I was stressed to the point that I felt like I was going to explode with anger, Lexapro would calm me down right now, I used it on an as needed basis. I used it also with the depression episodes, and after a few days of taking Lexapro, I'd feel okay again. I'm not taking lexapro now but if my anxiety ever gets out of control again, I will go back on it. I think the biggest part of my anxiety came from not knowing why I was so sick, and my health problems turned me into a hypocondriac, just excessive worry when I knew something was wrong and couldn't find out why, or feel like I could get the help I needed. It is hard for me to deal with my health problems, and that is something I really need help with. I've never done much to work on my anxiety, just depended on meds to calm it down. I'm sure relaxation techniques are good, but I haven't put them into use much. I have tried avoiding stress as much as possible, that helped my depression for quite awhile. And suppressing my feelings, but that always comes back at you if you don't deal with the problems.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 06:52 PM   #9
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Re: Hate waking up

To SadComputerGuy,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I have suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety at many points in my life -- sometimes manageable and other times quite severe.

For myself, I have found that medication for anxiety has helped me immensely during my lowest points. I can take all the antidepressants in the world, but if my anxiety is out of control, the antidepressants don't do me much good.

One thing that has helped me with gaining a more positive outlook is keeping a gratitude journal. Each night I write down five things I am thankful for. I know it sounds trivial, but when I started doing this, I was amazed at how much it helped. It forced me to focus on the positive even if just for a few moments. Some days if I was feeling really horrible and could not think of five things, I would fall back on on my tried and true options -- my family, my pets, having a job, having a home, and that a lousy day was over. Amazingly, after I began keeping the journal, I found that I would go out each day looking for positive things. Just an idea


Another thing is just finding someone I can talk to whether it be a family member, a friend, or a professional therapist.

I do hope you feel better soon.

 
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