I’ve been wondering if I have a depression or is it extreme sadness because of a rough patch from the past I'm going through. Let me explain, I’ve had a very difficult childhood (well at the age of 10 it started going downhill) I’ve suffered many sexual abuses (rapes) from different men in my life. But the most recurring one was from the father of my then best friend. 39 years later I still remember every thing about him.
I would tell my mother but she wouldn’t believe me, calling me a little liar “he was just probably giving me a hug, and it was all in my imagination, I was only seeking attention”. Why would upstanding family man be interested in a lying little girl” I never mentioned it again and kept enduring. Ironically, his daughter was my age and was the only friend I was allowed to have in the neighborhood. The other kids where to young or not from an upstanding families.
If home life wasn’t bad enough, school wasn’t any better.
The vice principal would use me as an example for poor performance, having me sit outside his office on a chair to be seen by all teachers and often-cruel children (hey there just kids). And we won’t mention bullies, (yes they existed then to). For a year this would be my afternoon routine. He also would call me a little liar, but at that point I was used to hearing it at home, so I didn’t care. My mother always said that if this was happening to me, it must be because I’ve deserved it in some way. But all I wanted was to be believed, protected and loved. None of these ever came through.
By the age of 15, I was working in a senior citizen home, where the owner who was an alcoholic and another abuser. He would try to grab me every time he had a chance, but now I was stronger, I hit him, when he finally managed to grab me in the closet. That put an end to my job, but I didn’t care. When I got home and told my mother, AGAIN, I was a liar, but this time a big fat tramp I provoked him. She often told me I was fat at 135 lbs I believed her, so I stopped eating almost completely.
I wanted to be thin, so I lost 30 lbs over a summer. Boys started circling again. So to my mother I became a tramp. When those words came out of her mouth, I was hurt but now I believed it.
I can say my teenage years thought me a lot about life. I learned that if you don’t put out, well then you are tease and if you do put out, you’re a tramp. I learned that no matter how hard I try, it would never be good enough. I was a stupid, unlovable, little piece of lying trash, so put up and shut up. When my first husband wanted us to get married even if I was 17, I figured better marry young to make sure at least one person will love and I will be out of this hell hole.
Years later my mother learned that my friend’s father did abuse other little girls in the neighborhood, and that the owner of the senior citizen home could not keep any female employees for the same reason as me. She apologized for not believing me at the time. By then I was in a loveless, mentally and physically abusive marriage with 2 young children. And again I did what was expected of me. Put up and shut up.
At the age of 37 years old, I finally went for counseling, I didn’t really care what happened to me, but raising 2 kids alone after leaving another abusive relationship and mourning the lost a child on my own. I figured I needed to finally look into my past and make peace with everything. It was hard but I was finally able to forgive my mom. I did as best I could for my kids, and went through life worse bumps alone, never asking because I still believe if it was happening to me, I must have done something to deserved it.
After my mom’s passing a few years later, I overheard a conversation between my father, his new girlfriend (his old secretary), and 2 of his friend. He was telling them how hard it was to raise me. It was almost impossible; I was so angry all the time and would seek attention by lying, and making up stories. I would start something but loose interest once it was mastered. So that why, she never amounted to much. Which was sad really because she had so much potential but such a disappointment. He went on to explain how my mother would complain about me, how hard and unpleasant it was to raise me.
At some point I stopped listening, I couldn't take anymore. I was stunned, hurt, puzzled angry. It took me a while to be able to talk about it and get somewhat over it thanks to my wonderful new husband. Although, it still leaves me so sad when the thoughts creeps back in. I believed my father loved me but now realized what a shame I was to him. Not like my sister, who has a career and is perfect in every way not like me a business owner.
At that moment I also realized, my mother never told my him what was really going on, guess she didn’t want to bother him with the details. She never told him that she had found out the truth later. I eventually spoke to my father and made him understand that mom knew the truth but never told him. He confirmed my suspicions, mom never told him. Over time I learned to live with it.
Last Christmas, a friend of mine, took a service where a volunteer drives you to the hospital if you don’t drive or have a car. The driver happened to be the vice principle of the school I attended as a child. He happens to live in the same street as my dad. So she asked him if he knew him. He said he knows of him but more of my mom and me. He went on to explain what a little liar I was and how much trouble I was to my mother. When she told me, I found myself back to the days with unpleasant memories. Again I was sad and hurt and then angry. Again I brushed it under the rug.
Lately I’ve learned from my sister that after a another traumatic experience (which I do not remember except having a gun pointed at me) and after being found by a neighbor, my mother had spoken to the family doctor and he said in his professional opinion there was nothing to do, I would just outgrow this phase of lies and forget all of it.
Since Christmas, I feel so hurt, betrayed, tired, UN-interested in life, sad and angry. I feel that what I forgave ages ago, were lies and that her apology was insincere. What I worked so hard to get over just came back and hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel unlovable again. I'm I right in feeling extreme sadness and hurt, or am I heading toward a depression again? I feel like my spirit is broken. Thank you for taking the time to read me, i'm sorry it was so long.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-21-2011 at 04:00 PM.
I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this. Betrayal is extremely painful--especially when it's family that betrays you! It's horrible to be accused of lying when you're not.
Is there a chance you can look into seeing a therapist? I know it's hard to find "the right one" but I hope you can, because to talk things out in a safe, private setting with a professional can be really helpful.
I think that you probably have a combination of extreme sadness (which is totally understandable) and depression (as a result of all of this trauma).
You've been through a lot, and I hope things get better for you!
The Following User Says Thank You to Phoebekins For This Useful Post: yosan (02-21-2011)
That is really sad. I couldn't imagine my daughter coming to me and telling me she was raped, only to tell her she was a liar, no, what I would do is load the gun and go shoot the jerk. I'd never even for a temporary second not believe her. You should of had your families support. They failed you as parents. They should have done everything they could have to get to the truth. They should have pressed charges against this man. Any kid finds themselves in this situation, and nobody believes you, take a mini recorder with you, and prove it, if your parents want to call you a liar. No one should get by with molesting you. Call CPS, tell them you need help to get away from that situation. Your not the one that should be feeling bad. You had parents that did not do their job as parents and really let you down. You should never make yourself feel bad as a person because they had such problems parenting. Your dad ought to be ashamed of himself talking about you like that. Don't live your life trying to please him or anyone else, live your life with whatever it is that makes you happy. And yes, you are going through depression, and anyone that has had to tolerate the things you've went through in your life, it would be expected. You know you wasn't a liar. And you need to realize that those things your parents said about you was a problem within themselves, it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are. Don't let their cruel remarks and serious lack of being good parents drag you down the rest of your life. Realize the problem was them, not you. Dredging on what they did to you only makes them the winners here, you do need to learn to let go of the hurt, and learn that none of this was ever your fault, stay clear of someone if that is the only way they can treat you. Don't let anyone treat you like that. You deserve better than that.
Last edited by neveragain444; 02-22-2011 at 02:43 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to neveragain444 For This Useful Post: yosan (02-22-2011)
Take a lie detector test and have a cop read the results to him. You should get some counseling or you can talk to a minister, rabbi, nun, monk, etc, for spiritual support. I can only imagine how awful it was for you. Things were hard for me when I was young. I went through verbal abuse by my alcoholic step-grandfather. I will pray for you and your family.
She shouldn't have to take a lie detector. Her father should be supportive of her anyways. I wouldn't do it for him, only if it would give you peace of mind. I don't even know if a polygrapher would take on such an issue, considering what was done to you was against the law. You can ask them but IDK. I had one done to prove my son belonged to whom I said he did before I talked them into the DNA test, and it was about $500. If they won't, you could also contact steve wilkos (it's a talk show), they would do the test for you for free.