I really need some help. I can't handle my depression.
I'm just so overwhelmed right now. So I'll just tell alittle how this started. I never was the happiest kid. I was 10 times more happier then now tho despite the counseling sessions and everything.Mom and dad were always fighting and a horrible custody battle was the result. Both of them weren't acting very mature but I would prefer to live with my mom anyday. When I was 11 a corrupt judge took me away from my mom on false aligations and stuck my sister and me in a children's home. My counselor said I would never see my mom or family again. So for living in the home I was picked on at school and the judge made it illegal for me to contact anyone I knew..even friends. It was rediculous. This is when I started cutting. Eventually I got out and the judge put me with my dad and his new wife. That was complete hell. No matter what I would be mentally abused yelled at and told horrible things about my mom. They weren't rational and ended up physically abusing me. My sister was all i had and she was moved there alittle after me. She fought back against my dad more though and he sent her away. We found out later that he paid the judge on everything and sent her back to my mom cause he didn't want her. So now I was completly alone. I started rebelling and got into a crowd that was full of troubled kids. I started drinking a lot and experimenting with pot and some pills. I would cut all over myself and sneak out to see my mom when I could. It was heartbreaking seeing her cry when she had to give me up. My mom was not her former self.. When I was 14 my dad lost it and strangled me. He was arrested and I was taken into dhs custody and put into a shelter. They needed to investigate everything before they put me anywhere. I then moved in with my aunt. That was a happy day. A few months later I was back with my mom. When I was 15 that was one of the happiest years. I was in highschool with my sis. I lived in a nice house with my mom, sis and my moms bf. It doesn't last though. I was molested by a 30 year old and never told anyone that year.. My mom broke up with her bf so now I didn't have my moms bfs family anymore leaving me with only an aunt a sick gma and my mom and sis. We moved to a house that was falling apart. I couldn't handle my depression. I started drinking to cope again instead of just to have fun like when I was 15. Then my dad chainsawed his house apart and shot himself in the head. I kept pilling on the drugs. My mom got serverly depressed because of her post traumatic stress. She is never happy..I started doing pills. Oxycodone, tabs, xanax, valume, cocaine, meth, acid, shrooms, adderall, vvyans, morphine, drinking everyday, doing ecstasy twice or more a week etc...I get messed up everyday. I have cut myself so bad all over. Dropped out of school cuz of my drug and cutting problems Been to recovery centers twice in a year and even had to get staples for slicing my ankle open. I had unprotected sex for a min the other day and regret it. I stopped whhen i was doing thinking what was i doing so i made him pull out and he didn't ejaculate. So now I'm worried im pregnant and i want to abort it or make myself have a miscarriage which i know isn't safe or smart. I have no one to talk to and when I do no one really grasps what i'm saying. All I know are drug addicts. I think about suicide everyday and my mom said if it weren't for me being here and strong for her she couldn't live. My sister can care less about me now cuz she didn't go through all that I did. She just says i get a dead mans money. With all these drugs making it hard to concentrate and think rationally and having to pretend I'm ok I'm slowly dying. I'm a compusive liar now to cuz i have to lie about what i'm doing all the time that now it's natural and i feel like the biggest jerk..I care about people and hate seeing them in pain. When do I get help though. I've asked to go to rehab 3 times now and nothing. I really just feel like laying here and crying for the rest of my life which makes me feel pathetic cuz in reality my life isn't that bad compared to some people. I'm just so overwhelmed by these feelings and not being able to vent. Plus I'm scared of meds cuz last time i took zoloft for example it made me literally not have a conscious. please any advice I don't mean to whine but isn't this what this site is for?.. I'm only 17 i'll be 18 in a few days this worries me..