not sure if this is the right place for this or not. but lately i have been really thinking about my mom and i's relationship and the things she says to me and i feel like she is the reason i have low self esteem. growing up i always thought it was because i was picked on in school and maybe that was part of it, but now i think it's her. i don't want to look for someone to blame for my "issues" so if that is how it's coming off please let me know. i am ALWAYS second guessing myself. always. my mom nitpicks, nags, i know general mom things right? but i can do something, and she will find something about it to critisize. it has gotten a lot worse since my son was born 6 months ago. she makes me feel like a crap mom when i am trying my best. these are some of the comments she has said that have hurt me.
- mom- "you guys never cried as babies"
me- "what about when we were hungry?"
mom- "no I was always prepared"
i took this as her saying that i wasn't prepared because i was telling her how i have to let his bottle warm in the night when he is crying.
- me- "i pull his diaper tight, but he still seems to leak sometimes, especially at night"
mom- "that's because you are an inexperienced parent"
when we are INSIDE THE HOUSE she says stuff like "why isn't he wearing any socks under his sleeper? ooo mommy's going to let your little feet get cold"
i couldn't find his hat once and she went on and on how i should have it with everything else and how he was going to freeze even though i had other hats for him.
then when we are grocery shopping i mention that he is sleepy and she keeps trying to tell me he isn't. I KNOW MY CHILD!! he is tired. 10 minutes later he was asleep.
she makes comments about my house, pointing out every speck of dirt or dust. she makes comments about how my 16 YEAR OLD COUSIN will be such a great mother. even though it is true, this upsets me. i feel like she is somehow insinuating that I am not. In all fairness, i am not very maternal. I love my son more then anything, and I do everything for him, but I don't like other kids. When my son was first born i was VERY overwhelmed and stressed out because i had no clue what i was doing. i think i also had a case of baby blues which didn't help. after a month or so things got better and i became more comfortable with him.
seriously though, am i over reacting here? i feel like she is constantly insulting me and she says that i am always short and frustrated with her. i told her she was coming off as condescending but i guess she doesn't get it. i am 26 years old! i have been living with my husband since i was 20 and doing fine. she treats me like i am 10. i know she loves me, this just really upsets me. she has been like this my whole life, but having my son has made it worse and just has me re- evaluating my ilfe. it's also ok for her to come to anyone and say what she wants, but the second we go to her we are "attacking her" or "not fair" and she doesn't want to listen. i feel that this has taught me in life to not confront people....maybe i am wrong what do you think?
Parents can be very "toxic" people. Very co-dependent and carry double standards with their children. I know how you feel about the nit picking, critisim because I grew up with asian parents. They totally emotionally and verbally abuse and destroy you. Its their way of controlling your life.
You need to limit your time with "toxic" people as much as possible even if it's your own mom. She's no good for you at the moment, and if she caused so much emotional self esteem harm to you as a child, I wouldn't have her help raise your son.
If possible don't tell her anything, really, if she doesn't need to know the little things, than keep your mouth shut. I learned with my mom, because I am like 28 yrs old now, that if I don't share anything about my life with her, she won't comment, because there is nothing for her to comment on.
It's hard at first, to shut your mouth when talking about normal things with your mom, because normal people wouldn't respond the way she does, but you have to keep that boundary and set boundaries with her no matter how verbally abusive she becomes, because it is YOUR life, YOUR son, not hers.
You need to find people as your "healthy" mentors as a new mom, with a newly born son, and find advice and support from someone other than your "toxic" mom. If you live together, than that is a problem, but if your mom doesn't live with you and your husband than keep interactions with your mom to much bare minimum, and if possible only over the phone so you can hang up when she gets verbal.
Think of it this way...are you really a bad parent to your child? Are you really a bad person? Are the things you are condemned for by your mom, really do those things really matter? If not, than you got to get away from those toxic people that make you feel that way. If you are worried enough to seek help in forums like this, you are a very good mother to your son, and a good person.
Moms will be moms. My mother is 85 and I am old enough to have all silver hair. Mommy still trys to tell me what to do. I just say ok and do as I please. Get used to it if she is going to be around for a while.