I know this is a familiar tale, but I just need to get it out there. I'm 30, handsome, clean cut... On the outside, I'm everything I am supposed to be. On the inside, I'm screaming for help.
I'm just a sad guy, no matter what I do. I'm drowning in debt. I'm finishing my master's degree, but the job market is so bleak and the pay in my particular field so low, I don't feel like I will ever be able to make a substantial living for myself. I feel like it is impossible for me to feel happiness anymore.
Because of my neuroses, I have been in 3 failed mini-relationships since the fall, and my heart can't take the devastation anymore. I think about suicide all the time as a way to escape from myself, but I know the pain it would cause my family, especially my mother. I couldn't bear that guilt even in death. Still, I feel like I am constantly on the verge where the semi-rational person who is writing this message now is battling internally with this wild, caged animal. All it would take is one more detrimental episode in my life to send me whirling over the edge.
What sucks most is, I don't look at all crazy. I look perfect. I look perfect in my perfectly starched shirts, my perfectly shined shoes, my perfectly cute downtown apartment where everything is arranged just so... No one really gets or understands what it is like inside my head.
I don't know what caused this. I am vehemently distrustful of everyone, I am impatient to a fault, I am addicted to some not-so-nice things... but at the same time, I am so full of love and want to share that love with someone forever. WHAT IS THIS???
Is it chemical? Is it the result of some repressed childhood memory? All I know is that I need help or I will die. I have tried to help myself for years and obviously it is not working.
The feelings I have inside are so extreme, I would like to admit myself to a residential facility. The problem is, at least from my own assumptions, private facilities are costly and do not take insurance. Actually, I don't know... do any facilities take insurance for this sort of thing? It's not like I have a drug addiction or an eating disorder. I am just ******* sad. Can anyone offer guidance?
Thanks for reading.