Looking for advice
Hi, most people I know call me Sincere, no idea where I got my username from, something random I guess. I'm struggling to deal with my depression and i believe there's other mental issues too but i feel I've repressed most if not all of them for the time being. What brought me here is because I've been telling this same lie for what seems to be forever. I am past the point of being sad really and I have a hard time feeling any actual emotions that are mine. If i watch a sad movie, I'll feel sad for the actors but I just don't care in real life and normally I can pretend well enough to fool most people. Every now and then i meet people who can see through me and we usually hit it off well but i purposely seem to sabotage those relationships.
I have never had any professional help although I did buy Zoloft online once, started to fall real deep in depression and gained like 15 pounds in a very short time. The pills worked I guess, felt great and assertive, even lost 30 pounds in the 2-3 monthsii was on it. but that just led to me making outrageous decisions like quitting my job. I just never bought more. I will say that was the best I've ever felt...
Never really sat down with my thoughts so this is long and all over the place, apologies, but what brought me here is I no longer care about my life. Not suicidal per se, I have family, a month old niece, etc... But i have let my life deteriorate to a point where I'm going to cause my family pain and inconvenience anyway. I don't even know if I'm sick or crazy really, i just know I can't live like this, because this isn't living. I don't know if i should check myself in a mental hospital or just get more antidepressants.