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Old 03-04-2012, 11:05 PM   #1
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Ressamm20 HB User
Unhappy In need of support

Hello all,
I am so glad to have found this site for a chance to vent and find some much needed support.
I am a 30 year old single mother of two boys (my older son will be 10 on the 12th of March and my younger son will be 5 in December). My problems with depression started when I was a teenager after I was raped by my stepdad at the age of 12 and suffered ongoing sexual abuse until I was 17. He also was mentally abusive from the age of 7 and physically abusive from the age of 9. My mother was also mentally abusive in many ways although she does not see it that way (of course).
My adult years have also been full my many struggles. I joined the Navy when I was 18, right after I graduated from high school, as a way to get away from my mother and stepfather but was medically discharged two weeks from graduation from basic training for the depression, tendonitis and cancer. I was lucky in that I did not have to move back in with my mother and stepfather since I had found my birthfather and his family when I turned 18 just prior to my high school graduation and they invited me to live with them (one of the greatest choices I could have made for myself). Everything went really well for about a year and a half to a point I had no bouts of depression and life was great.
My life began to fall apart once more in 2001 in some ways but also improved greatly. In July of 2001 I was 19 years old. I had gone to a party with a guy I liked and was stupid and drank. Unfortunately that night I was a victim of the "date rape drug". I was not aware at the time that occurred I thought is it was simply having been drinking (one alcoholic drink). I woke up the next morning with my friend in my bed. I was not alarmed since I liked the guy and though he cared for me. I found out three weeks later I was pregnant with my first son. I informed my friend that I was expecting the baby and he stated he wanted nothing to do with it and moved two day later (I have not seen him since). I then found out when I was about four months into the pregnancy that my son was to be born with Gastroschisis (intestines outside of his body). Due to the wonderful support of my family I dealt with this blow very well and gave birth to my son who was healthy except for the Gastroschisis. He got to come home 30 days later.
In September of 2003, I got my first of the recent diagnoses. I have an autoimmune disease called Crohn's disease. Despite the ongoing illness I continued to function well for a long time. I was hospitalized 9 times over the next three years but felt I had plenty to look forward too. During this time, I experienced a tragedy I had not expected, my boyfriend at the time and I was planning our marriage and I got pregnant with our first child. We were both excited and looking forward to our future together, but on mother's day of 2005 I slipped at work and lost the baby. The loss of our child caused my boyfriend to leave me as well. He could not handle the loss of the baby. Thus began the depression once more.
I also began to be diagnosed with additional illnesses besides the Crohn's and depression. My next diagnosis was Diverticula. This new illness created further restrictions on my diet and additional stress on me but I handled it pretty well. Little did I know that over the following years I would be diagnosed with 18 more illnesses causes me to have at this time 20 diagnosed illnesses including: Crohnís disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Diverticula, erosion in my stomach, Hiatal hernia, Lupus, Osteoarthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, PTSD, Anxiety disorder, Depression, Insomnia, DVT, endometriosis, Tendonitis, Excessive Bile (the result of gallbladder removal surgery in September), migraines, and acid reflex disease. I have two new diagnoses from this past week, cervical cancer and HPV.
It is my belief that I contracted the HPV when I was raped five years ago by my younger son's father who was a good friend for 4 year and a boyfriend for 3 months prior to the rape. I ended our dating relationship about two and half weeks before the rape.

I wonder what the point of my trying is. I have lost myself to the illnesses and events of the past and canít seem to find my way out of the hole. I feel that fighting is not working. All I end up with more pain, stress, illnesses, and have no end in sight.

Last edited by Ressamm20; 03-05-2012 at 08:19 PM. Reason: Warning recieved Sorry Administrator

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Ressamm20
DiamondDiva (03-25-2012), flamesabers (03-05-2012)
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Old 03-05-2012, 10:47 AM   #2
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Re: In need of support

Hello Ressamm20.

I think you've endured a lot of pain and hardship in your life. I think being able to get through all of that shows you have a lot of strength and resilience during difficult times.

I'm not sure if there is a universal reason for continuing to try when life looks bleak. Maybe it's as basic as your life could improve in the future even if you can't envision it or believe it right now. I recommend talking to a therapist for finding a way out of the hole you're in. I've found talking to my therapist helps me to consider possibilities I haven't thought of and perspectives I wasn't aware of.

 
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:28 PM   #3
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Re: In need of support

You've been through a lot and that's commendable. I find myself feeling similar to the way that you feel which I think is overwhelmed with all that is going on with the sickness in our bodies. One thing that might help you is to concentrate on what's most important right now and not focus on the number of things that have been diagnosed that are related to each other unless that illness is causing major problems. I hope that makes sense.

It would seem that the most important thing to focus on is getting the cervical cancer taken care of and keeping your other illnesses under control, i.e., Lupus and Chrohn's.

The reason you keep moving forward and trying to keep better is the same reason that I do so and that's because I have children that I want to see become adults and I want them to have their mom around. I know there's a reason that we are going through these storms, I haven't figured it out yet. I do know that there are others who aren't here so I have to be grateful that I'm still being given a chance, I need my body to cooperate. Keep us posted and get well!

 
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