Hi, I'm Rachel.
I've been depressed about...a year now. I've been going to a therapist for a while and all that.
But, I have these thoughts...and they are getting worse and I can't stop them. Its scaring me right now to even write this. I just want to cry. The thoughts feel so real, like I'm actually gonna do this stuff in my head.
It all started with this TV Show Supernatural, I was watching it and then all of a sudden I was imagining myself as the killer in the show..doing these awful things to my family. Things like cannibalism, serial murdering...ect. The things won't leave my head! I've even thought of suicide to stop these thoughts, cause I just don't want to think anymore. I have massive panic attacks everyday, anxiety, and I just feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes I can almost make myself believe I hear thing or see things when I really don't. I just don't feel real and I feel like the world isn't real. I look at my hands and I think like "wow they don't even look real" sometimes. I don't have a good sleep pattern (I go to bed at 5 am and wake up at 4 in the afternoon). I've tried to get my mom to get me meds or something to help, but she hasn't. Everything is just coming down on me and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to let anybody close to me cause I don't want to hurt them so I haven't had a boyfriend in forever. I don't want to do these things, I just feel like I want to because of these thoughts...It feels like why else would I have these? Then I freak out even more when I think that. Like chills, and my body gets cold and I have panic attacks then. I need help. Help me!