*IS* this depression???
I was treated a few times in the past for episodes of depression. I would want to sleep all the time, didn't want to do anything, stopped singing, stopped reading and gardening. Felt sad all the time, 'down'.
I honestly don't know WHAT is going on with me now. It doesn't feel like I did in the past when depressed. I'm not sleeping all the time, in fact I have a hard time sleeping and sometimes take a half of husband's Ambien which works for me. It's impossible for me to nap most of the time. Went through several periods where I was waking up at 4am, no matter what time I went to bed and falling asleep again was impossible.
I'm 46, female, love my job, marriage is stable, 2 sons. One is 25 and moved out on his own last fall, is engaged. My youngest son went through a Percocet addiction and ended up in jail for a short time, which has been difficult and heartwrenching, although he's doing well now, I'm not thinking everything will be lollipops and fluffy clouds when he gets home. I've lost both my parents and inlaws in the past few years and that's been hard as we were all close.
I feel like I'm argumentative and whiny and complain a lot. When I hear myself do it I think "Where did that come from?? That's not me." I find myself being negative all the time, complaining. Again, not me. I've been the strong one through this, settling parents estates and dealing with a needy sister, helping her out, not crying, not falling apart or being useless.... When my husband suggests we ride over to see friends, the thought of having to change my clothes and put up my hair just seems like too much trouble. I can get the surface cleaning done at home but that's the extent of it. Sometimes I don't even cook dinner and that's not like me. I can't focus on anything, I can't get anything done. I'll maybe do a few dishes and then sit down and browse the web the rest of the day. Or read. There is so much I want to do and need to do but I can't seem to get started or stay on it. I remember waking up years ago bursting with energy and getting the entire house scrubbed and sparkling in one day and now I can't even seem to keep the kitchen floor swept on a regular basis. My friend says it's just age but I'm not THAT old and I know 65 year olds that can run circles around me. I have no energy at all. I've been on Proza before and while it helped me 'not feel as bad' I don't feel like it 'helped me feel better'. And I hated the sexual side effects.
I have no health issues other than pernicious anemia which I take ferrous sulfate/folic acid/B12/Vit C for every day and the numbers aren't way up but they're not terrible. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago (I'm NOT mourning the end of childbearing years or periods, believe me!) and my gall bladder came out 2 years ago, feel much better physically since then but only compared to 'before'. I don't know what is wrong with me, I hate this lethargy and sluggishness, I keep telling myself to just GET UP and DO IT but I can't. If I do, I can't sustain it. I want my old energy back. I want the old me back. I don't know what is wrong with me.