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Old 06-04-2012, 01:08 AM   #1
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Is there hope for me. Or is it time to submit.

I'm not sure if its almost my time to go or not. But i fear my own "sickness" will be the death of me.

I don't know any of you and you probaly dont want to take the time to listen to a stranger rant on about his life but if you have the time please listen to what i have to say.

My name is Jacob. And growing up as a kid i would always think "What will i be like in the future. Do i even have a future? Will i be a super hero or a villian?" You know the normal stuff a kid thinks of. Well that all changed when i became 9 years old. I was diagnosed with a Heart Murmor that threatened my life. I don't remember much from it just the nightmare of my mother and father crying knowing they may lose there only son. Going into surgery there was only a 5% chance i would survive it. But i somehow managed to pull through the surgery. But not all went as planned. While i was in the hospital going through the recovery i recieved news that no 9 year old would ever want to hear. My mother died on the way to the hospital to come visit me. It tore me apart. At that very moment in my life i forgot who i was, i took the guilt of her death and to this very day. 10 Years later i still hold onto it as if it just happened yesterday.

But my depression got much much worse. It turned to anxiety, which in then turned to me becoming a hypocondriac. I constantly think im going to die, i think my organs are shutting down one after another. I've been to doctors, have had bloodwork done, MRI's, CT Scans, and im perfectly healthy. Yet i think otherwise.

Pschiatrist and Counsolers say that im possibly the worst case ever and they dont know how to help me. I refuse to take drugs due to i think ill die if i take em. Just anyone out there got any advice for someone like me?

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sjb (06-04-2012)
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:18 AM   #2
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Re: Is there hope for me. Or is it time to submit.

Seems like you and your mother suffered serious losses. Im sure you heard this many times but your mother passing away the way she did has nothing to do with you as a person. In other words you do not deserve to feel guilty. What I can say to you is that you survived something very serious with your surgery and you should appreciate your existence. This is not easy but something you can look into with therapy and support of others.
Think of it this way, your mother wanted the best for you and even though they were unable to witness you growing up, they would have wanted a happy child. Happiness though is something to earn in my opinion and its not just a temporary state of mind. It comes about from a lifestyle.
Maybe you can talk about your life these days, how you spend your time, what you do in your life. Let us know all. Thanks

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sjb (06-04-2012)
Old 06-04-2012, 07:40 AM   #3
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Re: Is there hope for me. Or is it time to submit.

Hi yeah the mother was no where near the child so the child did not cause the mom's death. They say sunshine helps depression and staying away from sugar. So be comforted there is hope, hope to the end. sjb

Old 06-04-2012, 09:04 AM   #4
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Re: Is there hope for me. Or is it time to submit.

I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. I can relate to your feelings about your mother's death. When I was five, I saw my sister aged four hit by a truck and killed. I spent my whole childhood feeling guilty that I hadn't taken better care if her. It really defined my life for a long while, as your mother's death is defining yours. Life is a pretty random lottery in terms of who gets life and who dies. It must seem almost as if only one of you could survive and you got the winning ticket. Let me tell you though, having a son who is battling a life-threatening disease that has already put him in a wheelchair, that your mother would have willingly chosen to die instead of you. I would trade places with my son in a heartbeat.
You have survived for a reason; live your life to the full and make every minute count. Your mother wanted you to live a healthy life, so keep working on it. Write a letter to our mother saying what you have been going through, how you have felt about it and saying goodbye. I hope you get through this, you deserve this second chance. Sera

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