Re: Is there hope for me. Or is it time to submit.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. I can relate to your feelings about your mother's death. When I was five, I saw my sister aged four hit by a truck and killed. I spent my whole childhood feeling guilty that I hadn't taken better care if her. It really defined my life for a long while, as your mother's death is defining yours. Life is a pretty random lottery in terms of who gets life and who dies. It must seem almost as if only one of you could survive and you got the winning ticket. Let me tell you though, having a son who is battling a life-threatening disease that has already put him in a wheelchair, that your mother would have willingly chosen to die instead of you. I would trade places with my son in a heartbeat.
You have survived for a reason; live your life to the full and make every minute count. Your mother wanted you to live a healthy life, so keep working on it. Write a letter to our mother saying what you have been going through, how you have felt about it and saying goodbye. I hope you get through this, you deserve this second chance. Sera