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Old 06-06-2012, 05:20 PM   #1
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Can just anyone listen to me for once?

I hate myself so much, I hate life, I'm so sick of everything. I don't even want to live anymore......... I have been home schooled for 5 years because of where we moved, and now I feel so isolated from people. I had S.A.D. (Social Anxiety Disorder) when I was younger, now it is horrible. I feel like crying when I try to talk to people in person, it cripples me inside, and I just can't talk when I try. I'm really insecure; I feel ugly, fat, with a bad personality. Even though my family tells me it is just me that sees those things, no one else, it is coming from my mom, so I know they're lies just to make me feel better. I can't do anything right, people always think I'm weird, which I like being weird, but I'm too weird for people. I can't help it, I'm just a screwed up individual that nobody cares about. I feel like I don't even exist, when I get close to someone, it is a shock for me that anyone would care about me, and I try to open up to them too soon, and I always think I'm scaring people. I also struggle with who I am; I came out as a bisexual in September, but now I think I'm a lesbian, but I don't think I'm either, so I'd like to go by no labels, but I have no one to talk to about these things. I've tried bringing it up with people, then I think they think that I like them, so they don't write back; I just really want some advice is all. I'm tired of feeling alone, I feel like I can't be me with anyone, because when I do people leave. I have no friends, and I'm serious not even one, I'm just so lonely. People have every reason to hate me, I hate me too. I just feel like sleeping or crying, I have been miserable for years, nothing every gets better for me, every time I see a small change, it turns out to be another bad thing all over again. What did I do to deserve all of this? Sorry it is so long, I just really wanted to get all of this out. If anyone is interested in chatting, write me a message; we could talk and hopefully make each other feel better.

 
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:53 AM   #2
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

Hi,
Sounds very unfortunate. Growing up in an environment different to the people around does sound like a big burden to carry around. Reading some of your words it appears to me that you are a little confused on how you want to spend your time, like whether you want friends or just people you like hanging with. It appears though that you are tired of living the way you are and though it is easy for other to say if you want to change then change but its difficult to just change for short term benefits.

Personally I remember when I was younger I had no friends and every one would tell me to make friends even though I had no interest at the time. Things just suddenly turned around but currently I am living in a place where there are a lot of people but due to tradition and common ways of living life most of them are just the same to me.

One thing you can work out is a list of things you would like, maybe post it here or read it out and see what can be achieved over a day, week or month. Let me know how it goes. Thanks

 
Old 06-07-2012, 10:09 AM   #3
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

Hi there. I tried so hard to contact you last night but I kept getting errors. When I read your post, it sounded very familiar to things I have been saying myself. I'm not sure how many people that comment on posts like these understand how someone can feel this way, but I certainly do. I have had depression my whole life but here recently, it has gotten really bad and I have thoughts like that. I am going to see my Dr. because I can't go through life feeling this way. Its dreadful.

 
Old 06-07-2012, 12:05 PM   #4
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

Quote:
Originally Posted by taylorgoesmoo33 View Post
I hate myself so much, I hate life, I'm so sick of everything. I don't even want to live anymore......... I have been home schooled for 5 years because of where we moved, and now I feel so isolated from people. I had S.A.D. (Social Anxiety Disorder) when I was younger, now it is horrible. I feel like crying when I try to talk to people in person, it cripples me inside, and I just can't talk when I try. I'm really insecure; I feel ugly, fat, with a bad personality. Even though my family tells me it is just me that sees those things, no one else, it is coming from my mom, so I know they're lies just to make me feel better. I can't do anything right, people always think I'm weird, which I like being weird, but I'm too weird for people. I can't help it, I'm just a screwed up individual that nobody cares about. I feel like I don't even exist, when I get close to someone, it is a shock for me that anyone would care about me, and I try to open up to them too soon, and I always think I'm scaring people. I also struggle with who I am; I came out as a bisexual in September, but now I think I'm a lesbian, but I don't think I'm either, so I'd like to go by no labels, but I have no one to talk to about these things. I've tried bringing it up with people, then I think they think that I like them, so they don't write back; I just really want some advice is all. I'm tired of feeling alone, I feel like I can't be me with anyone, because when I do people leave. I have no friends, and I'm serious not even one, I'm just so lonely. People have every reason to hate me, I hate me too. I just feel like sleeping or crying, I have been miserable for years, nothing every gets better for me, every time I see a small change, it turns out to be another bad thing all over again. What did I do to deserve all of this? Sorry it is so long, I just really wanted to get all of this out. If anyone is interested in chatting, write me a message; we could talk and hopefully make each other feel better.
I don't understand exactly what it is like to be you, but I understand what it is like to be completely depressed. I am so miserable all the time, I avoid all social situations as much as possible and push everyone away even as I want friends. I grew up as an only child and got very used to being by myself. It is so sad to me to spend our one chance at existence in such a miserable state, it really seems like hell on earth. Life is such an amazing gift, such a precious thing, and we are trapped inside our minds hating ourselves. People are definitely going to treat you the way you treat yourself to a certain degree, and like you said if you don't love yourself why would anyone else. I wish I had some answers for you. My greatest fear is that my children are going to grow up and be miserable- i pray to God that they grow up happy and with a good self image, I love them so much and I want them to enjoy their life and not hate themselves. But I also know that depression is partly genetic, my mother is depressed, and I feel like an awful person having children who may grow up depressed.

I know it is cliche to say it, but I didn't really know how much I could love something until I had a child. I'm sure your mother loves you beyond words and she is trying so hard to tell you that you are loved, and that whoever you are, it is enough. Whatever you do, whoever you become, its ok. You are still loved. I know its not easy to accept that, I have depression like you and I see everything through a filter. I will always feel like a disappointment to my mother and father, I will always feel like they are ashamed of me and wanted more from me. But they love me just the way I am- and that is the way it is with my children. And I'm sure that is how it is with your mom. I could care less what my children decide to do for work, or if they are straight or gay, or if they have one friend or no friends or are the most popular person in school, as long as they are happy. I don't think your mother is lying to you when she says those things to you, she loves you more than she can possibly describe, and you are the most beautiful thing in the world to her.

 
Old 06-07-2012, 12:25 PM   #5
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

Hello taylorgoesmoo33.

I don't think you deserve to feel miserable. If you haven't tried this, I would suggesting finding a therapist to talk to. When we constantly feel hopeless, helpless, and screwed up, I think it can be really hard to break out of that cycle. I think talking to a therapist can help us gain a new and healthier outlook as well as ways to cope with such depressive feelings.

 
Old 06-07-2012, 03:31 PM   #6
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

Quote:
Originally Posted by taylorgoesmoo33 View Post
I'm tired of feeling alone, I feel like I can't be me with anyone, because when I do people leave.
Hello tgm33,

Welcome and know that you no longer have to feel alone because you are among friends now.
I know what your first thought may be;"how can they be my friends,when I don't even know them?"

The answer to that lies somewhere in between us caring for the members of this board,while ready to provide advice and support without judging;unconditionally.

We are here and we are listening because it's "we" people that create the energy flow on this board.

Know that you are more than a member here;ok?

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:45 PM   #7
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Re: Can just anyone listen to me for once?

taylorgoesmoo33- I tried to PM you, But since I just registered, I don't have that ability yet. When you were diagnosed with S.A.D. did they put you on any meds for it? The reason I ask is sometimes certain ones can actually do the opposite of what they're for and make it worse. I suspect that after taking Cymbalta. Just so that you know, I don't think you are weird at all. You just need to know that people do really care. I've had the social anxiety that you mentioned, and it has finally gotten a little better. Crowds sometimes give me panic attacks. Being isolated is very hard. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

 
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