Hello everyone! I may just ramble, but please bare with me. I need some "pick me up" words. I feel myself falling into a funk and I'm having a hard time getting myself out of it. The loneliness doesn't go away. I feel very different from what society portrays as "acceptable and normal." At the age of 34, I've never viewed relationships and sex casually. I've always had standards/morals and live the staight and narrow. Why does it seem that those that don't are ahead? I've always had recurrent issues with depression/anxiety/self-esteem. I know I'm a good person but have such a hard time meeting people. I find I spend a lot of time alone. I'm ok with it sometimes, but other times, the loneliness is awful. I've had limited experience in relationsips with men. Where are the guys who want more than sex? I'm not that type of girl and I feel outnumbered. Anyone ever feel that way? Almost like I'm losing for having morals and standards. I feel I don't belong.
My lifetime best friend is going through a divorce. She's meeting men left and right, via online (which I don't trust) and has random sexual encounters. Granted I know she's unhappy deep down and working through whatever it is she needs to work through, but I will be honest, this angers me. It's a double edged sword. On one hand, I'm angry that it's so easy for her to do this, when it's so hard for me. She can go weeks without hearing from them, but then jump when they contact her. I don't get that at all. Am I a prude? Too boring? Too independent? On the other hand, it puts such a bitter taste in my mouth about guys. Where's the guy who is past that nonsense of just having sex, who actually wants to get to know someone? I don't feel I should lower my standards to get attention. This all snowballs into becoming depressed. It then "paralyzes" me where I don't know how to put myself out there, again making me feel worse. I end up not knowing what to do with myself, so I sit home. I feel outnumbered, because it seems so many more people can have random encounters and not care. Any words of encouragement?
You shouldn't ever feel bad about having certain morals or convictions. Some people are just less concerned about the types of things that are important to you personally. It doesn't make you any less of a person for standing firm to what you believe. Never compromise on what's important to you out of loneliness. You already know in your heart that you would not be happy having a string of meaningless flings with tons of different guys because that's not how you are and that's totally ok! If your friend is happy doing that then that's just what makes her happy. Neither one of you is wrong, you're just different. And that's ok!
Loneliness can be a terrible thing, but it's much, much worse to chase after something that would ultimately make you feel like you've "sold out" on your moral compass. It's there for a reason and it means that when you do ultimately find someone, you won't settle for just "good enough", you'll be with someone who you belong with because he adds something special to your life. Even if it takes a few years to find him at least it will be a meaningful and fulfilling relationship and not something that makes you unable to look at yourself in the mirror each day.
The following user gives a hug of support to Kszan: Will I Be Happy (06-18-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: Will I Be Happy (06-18-2012)
Kszan....THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!! I needed someone else to tell me that. It's how I truly feel deep down but sometimes feel so defeated...almost to the point of giving up completely. But I stick to how I feel. It's just really hard sometimes to not 2nd guess myself. I can't thank you enough!!!
I'm glad I could help! I've seen all your posts here, I know how much you've struggled with relationships but I just don't want you to feel like you're doing anything wrong by feeling that way. I'm the same as you, I really value deep connections with people. I can't just go from guy to guy, that's not how I roll.
You're going to be ok. You should get a dog or a cat. Having a pet fills a major void because they will be there for you 100% of the time, unlike human beings. And they won't ever make you feel bad about yourself. I have 2 cats and they make me laugh all the time. When you have a pet, you're not really alone because there is another living being there that provides companionship. Something to consider.
Congrats to you for staying true to your own beliefs, and principles. You'll never find happiness by adopting the morals of your friends. Staying true to yourself, your moral compass, and own personal belief system will eventually help you find what you're looking for. You'll be respected for these very things and more when you do find the right guy. Loneliness is always a painful thing. I don't know where you are meeting these men who expect instant sex; sex and intimacy aren't the same thing. Perhaps you need to change your game plan on where to meet a suitable partner. Do you try any classes or clubs where you meet people who already share a common interest with you? It can be anything -- birdwatching, church group, painting, whatever! I think if you're looking for a serious relationship, it's always better to meet someone in a sober state of mind. Bars are just dicey, there's some joke about calling a guy you met at the bar, and he says "Hi I'm Joe. No, you didn't meet me last night, you met me after my third drink..." I don't tell it well, but meeting where everyone is buzzed is not really meeting the real person, in a way. Also, remember that you want a man who Respects you, and anyone who pushes for sex that you're not ready for is not respecting you one little bit. Try to keep busy during the lonely times, you'll have more fun, and won't have a desperate air about you when you do meet quality men.
Try finding a good local Church and becoming active in their singles group, you might find a better match for you there. Bars and other singles hang outs are just not where you are going to meet a person who is interesting and sober minded.
Being a Christian myself, I find the world a bit dismaying. Especially since I don’t drink, boy you don’t drink in this world and you REALLY find yourself left out. I just took my family to Florida for a nice vacation in Destin. I tell you, Destin really has turned into a junkhole almost to the extent of Panama City Beach. We stayed in a condo beside the road and at random and for no reason, people would drive by and yell “F YOU” or other obscenities. I didn’t understand what would make someone lean out a window and yell X rated comments with very young children around. The rest it seemed were just all drunks…every last one of them. We couldn’t even enjoy the pool for the morons spilling their drinks into the pool or otherwise making a butt of themselves.
But in any event, you should celebrate your morals. Never compromise and just know that God has a particular person out there for you and if you do compromise, you might just miss out on that person.
As I tell my children, the world is full of people willing to hoop and holler it up with you and help you ruin your life. But when you are standing there in front of a judge, God, or your parents, etc. they won't be there to help you take the blame for your actions. You stand alone.
There's so many positive and encouraging cliches that are probably appropriate but you've heard them all before. Personally, I just think you have to remember the simple approach of hoping for the best, but being prepared for the worst (admittedly paraphrasing a tad).
Yes there are many guys that are only interested in sex. But I believe there are just as many that really want more (and they may even be interested in sex too! Just no ONLY sex). Sometimes they hide behind a mask of cockiness as a form of protection (I won't let her know me enough to hurt me until I'm sure it's safe). Sometimes it may be because they've been the nice guy that gets ignored while women seem to gravitate towards the jerks. Sometimes they're just disrespectful pigs. And even worse, sometimes they've mastered the art of only appearing sincere.
There's always a risk ... but if you don't hope for the best, you'll just spend all your time assuming that the worst is the only option. You just might miss someone genuine.
Take it or leave it ... but that's what I think. Oh, and don't force it. If you focus on living the best life you can, you'll be much more likely to encounter someone with a similar outlook than just throwing yourself into random situations.
Last edited by MoZZeReTH; 07-02-2012 at 04:50 PM.
unfortunately, I feel the same way most of the time!...seems like the people who do wrong and who are mean, untrustworthy, and dishonest always get the breaks in life...people who try hard can't get anywhere!...there ARE good people out here still...I have to believe that or else what is the point in going on?...but, they are few and far between...the main thing is to not settle for something substandard to your standards because you think there is no other option!...I'm going through this very thing right now with a verbally abusive BF, and I KNOW I don't deserve to be treated that way!
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I do, most of the time feel outnumbered. Kind of like the black sheep or the kid in class who just doesn't get it. Yet, deep down I don't feel I need to change my morals or standards to fit it. But, it's hard to stickf to my guns all the time, eventhough I have. Sometimes, as Celestialkel said, what's the point of going on? It's hard to get knocked down and keep getting back up, forcing yourself to believe there is better out there.