Hello Everyone. My name is Jim. I've been battling frustrated, hopeless, numb, angry feelings for a few months now. I used to be very very social. I had so much fun and hung out with everyone. I had so many friends. I had a very exciting job. I met my soul mate and we fell in love. We had so much in common and spent every waking moment together. I lost my job and she was in school and so had no choice and moved in with her parents.
Last October i proposed. We've been dating 3 years . I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I went from my exciting job where i did pretty well to a high stress low paying job just to pay for the bills which we do have. The last 3-5 months I have not been my self. I never want to do anything, I feel frustrated and worried 100% of the time, I blame her for how i feel, I continuously wonder if we should break up as we argue alot. She has changed as a person a little bit since our best times and i'm sure i have. She always thinks i'm doing something mischievious and i'm lying to her. I really hate that as I'm a very truthful person. All of her friends have moved away so I'm basically the only person she has. I loved to hang out with her every waking minute but now i find it almost like a chore. I feel like i'm always worried if shes happy. If i think i've done something wrong I have to instantly try to fix it. I find my self lately getting very angry at her over very little things and calling her names I wouldn't ever dream of. If she shows any emotion but happiness I comtemplate taking a break.
I love her and I want to start a family with her but I'm not sure what is causing these emotions... Is it my crappy job, Is it the fact that we have to live with her parents and I feel trapped or is it her? I guess i just cant imagine its her even though in my head i blame her. She tells me, hi babe every morning, and she loves me and be safe and lets hang out tonight. And its almost irritates me??? I Used to be the friendliest guy in the whole world... I just dont want to feel like this. I guess its kinda hard to explain how I feel, but its almost obsessed in a bad way with her. Maybe her lack of trust in me is eating at me. but i'm sure alot of girls get jealous and suspecious expect I love and respect her enough I would never do anything.
Its like I have a lack of all feelings and thoughts except worried, angry, and irritated. I dont want to feel like this...
We have very good communication and i know she feels bad i'm depressed. Last night I told her I hate how she doesn't seem like she trusts me and she tells me shes sorry she has trust issues and she is working on it... That should be good enough for me but I feel likes it not. She derserves someone to treat her like the angel she is but i'm not able to right now.
Sounds like you might want to consider talking to someone....your conflicting feelings can be a classic sign of depression/anxiety.
When I get depressed I feel bad about everything from what I feed the kids to how much college savings I have for them to how much the dog has to stay inside all day. It's kind of heck on the mind.
I'm hearing someone who loves his fiance but has some negative feelings. Perhaps a church based counseling program that can often be free will help, since money seems to be a problem. Keep in mind, you are going through a lot...it weighs on you.
I have been married almost 30 years now. My wife has been disabled for 16 years. I have been the sole bread winner since then. 4 years ago I lost a very good job with great benefits. I had cancer 26 years ago and over the past 9 years the long term side effects have been catching up with me. I can't lift anything over 20lbs w/o the risk of fracturing a vertebrae. I can't walk very far without using a cane or a walker w/o severe pain. There are times that my hands shake so bad I can't write. So I have had to give up most of my hobbies...golf, bowling, woodworking, etc. Why am I telling you this? Because these extreme changes over the past 4 years definitely put me into severe depression.
You have clearly had some very significant changes in your life that would clearly have a huge impact on your feelings of self worth and would easily cause depression. This isn't abnormal so don't beat yourself up over it. There are things that you can do that may help.
I would recommend starting with finding a therapist. You need a professional objective person to speak with and it really does help. You may also need to see a psychiatrist as medication could also be a help to you. Helping yourself will help you to relate better with your soul mate.
One more thing...if you are both having issues this early you may consider couples therapy to work through some of your issues together. This can only help you to make your relationship stronger.
I hope this helps. Keep in mind this is only my opinion....I am not a professional...just a regular guy that has had to deal with similar issues.