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Old 07-16-2012, 05:44 AM   #1
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Can anyone help?

Hello my name is Dan. I'm new to this site, and this is the first post of this type I have made. Please bear with me as I try to give you a little bit of background about me.

As far back as I can remember I have always been sad, and I have always found it hard to be happy. I often thought about killing myself, and how I would do it. I never tried though, and I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. When I was about 15-16 years old my parents finally divorced, and I had grown up in the ending of their relationship. It was around this time that I felt feelings of depression much stronger than before. I don't think the divorce was a cause, but more of a trigger for these feelings. The years that followed were really horrible for me until I left school at the age of 18. My depressive feelings were so intense that I started playing an online game called World of Warcraft. I was very committed to this game and it offered me a means of escape from my feelings. My head was not full with sad thoughts, but instead was full with thoughts about the game. All the friends I had at school pre the age 15-16 I no longer had contact with and I had no idea what to do with my life. I knew things were still bad, but they were being masked by this game for me. I think 2-3 years passed for me pretty much waking up, playing the game, going to work in a ****** retail job and then coming home and playing the game. I still lived with my mother and step father and that was my routine. Then I met a girl, and we became the best of friends. I got on so well with her family and I quit the game and we spent a lot of time together. This came at a cost for me however, as all the depressive thoughts that I had been suppressing for all these years seemed to hit me at once. This past year has been so very hard. I realised things were getting out of control and began to use antidepressants in a reasonably high dosage. They didn't seem to make any difference to me, apart from make me really sleepy. I eventually stopped taking them and sought counselling. After months with my counsellor I do not feel like I progressed so I've recently stopped seeing him.

Now, let me talk about how I'm feeling now. Generally I am sad, I tried to keep track of the days that are particularly bad. I worked out on average that I experience one of these days every 3-4 days. It can last anything from an hour to the whole day, but it normally stops at the end of the day. Recently however, mainly in the last two weeks it has been worse than anything that has come before which is why I am now here. For an entire week I felt this way, and this week has started the same. It seems to be constant and I'm having no break from it, like I normally do.

I will try to explain the "feeling". I feel intense sadness. I feel like I don't want to be here. I feel like I want to kill myself. I imagine killling myself. I sometimes hold the things I would use to kill myself and just look at them. I can't sleep, and when I do I have nightmares about dying. I phase out and don't communicate with people. I'm aware of whats going on around me, but at the same time I am not. I just want to be alone, and I just want to cry. I feel utterly consumed and paralyzed by it all.

Please can somebody respond to this and advice me on what to do now. I feel like my time is running out, and that I'm not going to be able to keep resisting my feelings for much long. There's been no downtime, and it feels like I'm in a battle for survival. I want to fix my problems, but I don't know how. I have tried everything I can think of, I need some new ideas.

Help me please...

 
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:19 AM   #2
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Re: Can anyone help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reachin View Post
This past year has been so very hard. I realised things were getting out of control and began to use antidepressants in a reasonably high dosage. They didn't seem to make any difference to me, apart from make me really sleepy. I eventually stopped taking them and sought counselling. After months with my counsellor I do not feel like I progressed so I've recently stopped seeing him.
Hello Dan and welcome

With respect to the medication/s you were taking,you can always explain to your prescribing physician about your lethargic feelings.
Depending upon the actual medication,there are some that are not advisable to simply discontinue.

With respect to your therapist and therapy,you must realize that everything is a process.

Try not to be so willing to dismiss therapy entirely.

Was it the therapist's approach that made you feel that you were getting nowhere?

Is it a matter of incompatibility?

With therapy,sometimes what you put in is what you get out of it.

As i'm not aware of your specific reason,i'll leave it there for now.

Please respond,if you're up to it.

Don't give up on yourself;we surely won't give up on you.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 07-16-2012 at 07:57 AM.

 
Old 07-16-2012, 03:06 PM   #3
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Re: Can anyone help?

Thank you for the reply. The girl I mentioned in my post, I went to see her today and I explained to her, as I explained to you where I am at with things. It made me feel slightly better to know I had her support and that she had noticed I had been acting differently in recent weeks.

In terms of the med's I tried, I built it up to the first level, and then extended to a second level, and then came back off them slowly before I stopped using them. I know there are different antidepressants and I did use mine for a good few months. I gave my feedback to my doctor and this is what led to me coming off them in the end. I don't think any other types would produce different results. I could discuss this with my doctor a second time though I guess. If you think it is worthwhile to do so.

In terms of my therapy I have given it a longtime and really opened myself up to it which took a lot of personal effort. I got on with my therapist but I think the main problem is that I'm not seeing the right type of therapist. This guy was very much about being proactive, and exercising and trying to listen to me rather than tell me what I should be doing. I think if I see a proper psychiatrist this might help me more. This is what my friend suggested to me today. Do you think this is a good idea? The downside is I will have to wait in a queue system to see one under the National Health Service (NHS).

At the moment I feel ok, not great, not terrible. Just coasting. My friend distracted me from today pretty much. I'll see what tomorrow brings though. As I type this I'm not in the mood to give up. The suggestions above are more long term, and if anyone can add to them or correct them that would be great. I do however really need some short term suggestions.

Last edited by Reachin; 07-16-2012 at 03:11 PM.

 
Old 07-16-2012, 06:45 PM   #4
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Re: Can anyone help?

I'm sorry you're feeling down and sad. The only advice I could offer is what my therapist told me, start a journal for positive thoughts. Everyday write down one thing you are grateful for, pleased about, or anything positive. Some of mine were "I have a supportive family". "I walked today". It doesn't have to be anything too extensive. And gradually build up to a few times a day. Review them periodically. Write down good things that happen to you no matter how small.

You could start with positive affirmations. Some people write these down, others write on their mirror or look into a mirror as they say them, whatever works for you. Just tell yourself one positive thing about yourself to start. It can be as simple as "I like my eyes" "I'm a kind person". Gradually over time build up to a few times a day.

These are hard to start at first and you might find yourself saying the same ones over and over, but that's okay.

Also, try to get back on medication. THe best combination is one of therapy and meds. Interview prospective therapists if you can and find out what their philosophy is. It sometimes takes a few times to find the right one.

Hope this helps.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 01:21 AM   #5
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Re: Can anyone help?

I guess I can try that out. Thanks for the post. It's atleast something that I can start straight away, so that's a big benefit in my eyes. I'm not sure if it will make me feel any better, but it definately can't hurt.

I'll try and query about medication and seeing a psychiatrist today, but it's often hard to get hold of my family doctor and I would rather not talk to any other doctor. She's normally so busy with appointments, but hopefully she can slip me in. Alternatively I may ask if she can call me later in the day or something along those lines.

 
Old 07-18-2012, 12:51 PM   #6
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Re: Can anyone help?

Just to keep you up to date. My family doctor has referred me to "the mental health team". I asked her about antidepressants and she didn't think it was a good idea as they didn't work for me last time. But she wanted to wait to see what "the mental health team" suggest as the best course of action in terms of medication.

 
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Old 07-19-2012, 04:17 AM   #7
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Re: Can anyone help?

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Originally Posted by Reachin View Post
Just to keep you up to date. My family doctor has referred me to "the mental health team". I asked her about antidepressants and she didn't think it was a good idea as they didn't work for me last time. But she wanted to wait to see what "the mental health team" suggest as the best course of action in terms of medication.
Hello Reachin

It's good to know that help is on the horizon for you.
Please try and keep an open mind to the MHT and their professional suggestions.

Wishing the best for you
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Old 07-20-2012, 07:19 AM   #8
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Re: Can anyone help?

When you mention your depression are there any feelings that stand out to you specifically?

 
Old 07-20-2012, 12:04 PM   #9
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Re: Can anyone help?

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When you mention your depression are there any feelings that stand out to you specifically?
When I'm depressed I feel sad. Normally I just want to be alone, sometimes anger. Generally just feel completely hopeless. I guess I feel on edge a bit. Suicidal thoughts tend to follow.

When I'm feeling okay, and looking back on when I was depressed or thinking about the fact that I suffer from depression. It makes me annoyed, it makes me feel weak, it makes me hate myself, and it makes me angry. I also feel so frustrated and useless. I feel like this thing is holding me back all the time. I don't like thinking about it for too long, because that can make me sad, and i don't want to repeat the cycle.

 
Old 07-20-2012, 12:12 PM   #10
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Re: Can anyone help?

I was just wondering growing up do you remember a lot of reassurance?

 
Old 07-20-2012, 02:44 PM   #11
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Re: Can anyone help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blujonny View Post
I was just wondering growing up do you remember a lot of reassurance?
I don't really remember one way or the other to be honest.

 
Old 07-20-2012, 04:12 PM   #12
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Re: Can anyone help?

It seems like there's maybe a reason that you don't feel so sure of yourself...

 
Old 07-24-2012, 11:07 AM   #13
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Re: Can anyone help?

Try to keep your head up above the depression. The girl sounds good- is she the one that helps keep your mind offthe depression? Can you volunteer somewhere you feel in need? Do you exercise or workout, even walking counts. Winston Churchill referred to his chronic depression as" the black dog waiting by the back door. " Your brain is a muscle and therefore you are in control of what you let your brain think of.
I have nonstop depression and anxiety and only suggest these things as they help for my problem. Good luck

 
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